Week 3

Knowing that I was going to miss the second class, I sent an email to Joey with my assignment. I had a bit of trouble coming up with the list (3 obvious things about you, 10 things you hate, are bothered by or scared of, 5 negative characteristics) because in general I’m a pretty happy and positive guy. Things piss me off all the time, but I can’t really think of them on command. I was also expecting a reply from Joey with the assignment for week three. Alas, there was none. No reply, that is.

The first week I didn’t know what to expect, but that was okay, because we were all in the same boat. This time, I took my seat just as Joey started talking. “So, did anyone have trouble with their assignment this week?” he said. A few people said they weren’t sure if they did it right and one guy said he accidentally erased it. Hmmm… erased it? “Well, you should all have your six rants in front of you. Choose your three favourites and let’s hear ‘em.” Uh oh. I raised my hand and asked exactly what the assignment was, since I missed last week. “Just take three topics from the list you made and write a rant about each one. Avoid obvious characteristics like ‘Lazy’ and ‘Procrastination’, pick a few that are unique only to you. We’ll give you some time, just go when you’re ready.” Well, being lazy and procrastinating were definitely on my list of negative characteristics.

So while other people took the stage and read or ranted, I was trying to figure out what to do. I could barely remember the list I emailed over a week earlier. I never even put it to paper. Not to mention, it was much more fun listening to everyone else.

Other people’s rants were pretty varied. According to the instructions given, you shouldn’t try too hard to be funny. Just write or record what comes to mind on your subject. Apparently the twist was that Joey didn’t tell people they’d be sharing their thoughts. The guy who ‘erased’ his only rant had recorded it without writing it down and was ill prepared to perform it for an audience. He mostly rambled on about how he always gets angry or cries when an animal dies in a movie. Old Yeller was prominently involved.

From what I could tell, everyone fell into one of three categories: The Ramblers, The Train Of Thoughts and The Trying To Be Funny’s. The difference between the train of thoughts and the ramblers was that the TOT’s rants were pretty well constructed while the ramblers were all over the place, often veering in and out of the subject. And then there were the people clearly trying to get laughs. I can’t say I blame them, given what we’re all trying to do, but a couple might have learned a lesson or two when they paused for laughs and didn’t get any. Of course, there were a handful of people who were genuinely funny and had a few solid jokes already written in.

Some of the better rants were about rain (from a mailman), the green and red underlines in Microsoft Word, fear of your own mother, car flags for sports teams (Montreal Canadiens car flags are EVERYWHERE here), and Bluetooth headsets. More than a few of rants I didn't like started with “my apologies to the ladies, but…” As well as the person who said “I will not apologize to the ladies, but…” and then went on with the filthiest, most offensive rant of the night. Not the good kind. And he was one of the people who has been doing stand-up for a little while. I understand why he’s taking the class.

With about five or six people to go and not wanting to go last, I took the stage with two pretty rough rants.

“Hey, I’ve been trying to write and listen to you guys at the same time and it’s damn near impossible, so I’ve only got two quick rants for everyone.

I’m hairy. Really hairy. Head to toe, front to back, it’s connected. [motioning to my neck] I call this here a natural turtleneck. In Sex Ed class, when they told us that we’d grow hair where there was no hair before… that was eerily correct in my case. I also would have liked to have been warned about nipple hairs. Those were the first ones to grow in and they grow back if you pull them out. The rest of my body filled out like a patchy beard. Symmetry was a foreign concept to my hormones. Girls have told me they want to get my shirt off, just to wax me. Probably just to hear me scream. I’ve thought of waxing, but I wouldn’t know where to start or where it’d end.

I really, really hate that the Expos are gone. It’s spring, the snow is melting and I should be convincing myself that the Expos are finally going to win the World Series, until a month from now when they’re eliminated from playoff contention. This city has the worst sports fans in the world. They only show up when a team is doing well and it’s “cool” to be a fan, or when it’s $1 hot dog night. It got so bad with the Expos that they even hired a friend of mine to be their Video Guy. And they provided him with a satellite dish to tape games. But one day he didn’t get a channel their game was on. I got it. With regular cable. The Expos satellite didn’t. So he asked if I could tape the game. I told him only if I had the express written consent of Major League Baseball. I taped it, but never did get the written consent. Nowadays, I can’t help but think… if only the Expos sold some car flags, maybe they’d still be around today.”

I got a few solid laughs, especially at the end, since I brought back someone else’s rant. I thought that was a pretty smooth move, if I do say so myself. Always bring it back. There were probably more laughs for the Expos rant, and some enthusiastic clapping and cheering when I brought up the subject. After I sat back down, someone came over and gave me a hug. The hair rant didn’t go over so well with the guys, but the few girls in the class seemed to dig it. Call me, ladies. I didn’t have too many awkward pauses either, just a couple times when I had to look down at my notes. There were a lot of people who read too, so I tried to keep my head up and look at the crowd. All in all, I thought I did alright, especially on short notice.

The next assignment is to write out our rants and circle the places we got laughs or think we’d get laughs. We’ll use those as punchlines. Then we have to write a setup that lasts no more than 30 seconds. After this class, it started becoming clearer to me that I don’t think I’m jiving with the whole process Joey’s teaching us. I’m enjoying it and definitely learning from it, but I’ll get more into this next time. I’m writing at work now and my lunch break is almost over.

There’s no class on the 22nd, since Joey’s out of town, which is both good and bad news. The St-Patrick’s Day Parade is this Sunday, so that means drinking on the street all day with thousands of people dressed in green. The good news is I can now get as drunk as I want. The bad news is I was really looking forward to showing up drunk. I know I can do that any Sunday, but it’s just not the same.