Joey Elias' Comedy Course: In Retrospect

I just read over every post I've made about Joey's workshop. Back in February I really had no idea what I was signing up for and now almost 4 months later it's probably one of the best things I've ever done in my life. Having reflected on my show the past few days and gotten feedback from people, I know that this is something I can do, and more importantly, something I want to do.

After the show, a friend asked me "What's the greatest insight you got?" I was half buzzed from the alcohol, half buzzed from the high of being on stage, and I said "Fear is half the battle" and "Trust your gut" because I'm still kind of an idiot and they sounded like good answers. After thinking about it, I realized the one piece of advice I always thought of while I was trying to write was "Comedy is about misdirection. It's like magic, with wordplay." That's gotta be the thing that stuck the most. Every joke I've written, I've done so with the intention of surprising or even confusing the crowd.

I have also reconsidered my criticisms of the writing methods Joey taught us. I understand why he forced us to lock into our topics, since it really forced me to develop the jokes. Looking back on my notes, at least 75% of the jokes I had in, say Week 5, didn't make the cut on Sunday. The lesson I took was to never stop re-writing or trying to improve a topic you think you've exhausted. I still don't like how he taught us to choose topics out of negativity, but I can see how it's useful. Obviously, you're more likely to rant out of frustration than admiration. Although I was just thinking today about how awesome Vicks-scented Kleenex is. I could probably get a minute or two out of that.

I think I've also started to find my style. I always wanted to be deadpan but wasn't sure that I'd be able to have the writing ability to pull it off, or the facial discipline. I have yet to watch the tape, and I'm sure I was pretty close to cracking a few times, but the reviews have been good so far so I'll probably be continuing with the deadpan. I'm pretty happy about that.

What I really benefited from the course wasn't so much the writing tips, but the experience of being with other people who want to perform stand up comedy. This whole process has completely taken the intimidation out of what I'm doing. The thought of doing stand up comedy has always seemed a little crazy to me, and now I've found a group of people who don't think it's crazy at all. That support group alone is invaluable.

Also, after reading through everything I've written, I realized I might have been a little harsh on my classmates, either individually or as a collective. And for that, assuming some of them will eventually discover this blog whether I tell them about it or not, I apologize. Everything I wrote, I believed in at the time, but I've also realized that everyone is taking their own path at their own pace and will eventually get to where they want to be. Everyone had improved significantly towards the end of the workshop and we all had solid sets and got some laughs at the show. I truly hope to run into my comedy comrades often and am looking forward to witnessing everyone's comedic evolution. Each time I see any of them, it will remind me of our little workshop. This is only our beginning and the best of each of us is yet to come. And I absolutely realize how cheesy this last paragraph was but I mean every word of it and it needed to be said.

Overall, as much as the workshop was one of the best things I've ever decided to do, the show itself was one of the greatest experiences of my life. My thanks go out to anyone was a part of it.

And yes, I've been bombarded by requests to post the video. Trust me, no one wants it more than I do. The guy who taped it is gonna send us everything as soon as he's finished processing and editing it. Patience is a virtue. Once again, in the meantime, I've got some pictures from the show.


I also signed up for Twitter, which I gotta admit is a little cooler than I thought it'd be. The link should be on the right hand side of this page. I'll mostly be posting one liners and news about my blog or any shows I'll be doing.

Great Success!

Hey everyone... it's about 2 AM and I have to be up at 6:45 to go to work. I just finished my first show and then went out drinking to celebrate with everyone, so I'm just a little tipsy. And I can tell you that the evening was fantastic. I think the final tally was 18 performers doing 5 minutes. The MC was local comic Dan Bingham and Joey closed the show with a quick set. Everyone gave their best and the crowd reaction was more than positive. Personally, I'm very happy with my work and got some great comments from people throughout the night.

I must say, any doubts I had about giving an honest effort to be successful have been obliterated. There were cameras around and hopefully I'll be posting my set soon. Maybe it's the beer talking, but I am actually a little eager to show it off.

That closes the book on the Comedy Course by Joey Elias. From here on out, it's all me. I'll be posting a retrospect on the whole thing within the next couple days. All I know is, this ends the first chapter and the rest of the book is Choose-Your-Own-Adventure style. So really, who the hell knows. First of all, I gotta get some sleep.

The Home Stretch

It's only a few more days until my class' graduation show and I'm feeling pretty good. Last Sunday was our last workshop and Joey couldn't make it, so the inmates ran the asylum. Those of us who showed up gave a quick run through of our sets and got a couple minutes extra to play around with anything else we've been working on. No pressure or critiquing, just some stage time and listening to everyones jokes for the eighth time.

I wasn't actually planning on performing that night. I thought there would be a lot more socializing and hanging out, but everyone else was pretty eager to rehearse one more time. Towards the end someone asked how many people were left and my name was thrown out there, so I just went with it. I wasn't really prepared and while I think it showed a little, I didn't really screw anything up. I might have even been more relaxed than usual because I thought to myself, "Ah fuck it. Let's see what happens." once I was coaxed on stage. I also threw out a few one liners I'd written and they actually went over very well. I definitely know what I'll be closing with now. Afterwards someone said to me "So, you're doing Steven Wright stuff now?" I wouldn't go quite that far, but it was a nice comment.

Also of note, I still haven't hit an open mic. I was going to today, but seems like I miscalculated how quickly those nights get booked up. Oops. On the bright side, this fulfills my desire to have my first real performance be in front of a packed club. Looks like I'm going big, or going home.

One-on-one with Joey Elias

I had my alone time with Joey on Sunday and 10 minutes wasn't nearly enough time to get into everything I wanted to. After very little critiquing about my set, we started talking about any random thoughts on comedy that I had. There were other people waiting to chat though, so we had to wrap it up. He said I could email him any time if I have questions, but it's not nearly the same as a free flowing dialogue. Once I started asking about one liners and talking about the whole experience of taking the class, I really wanted to just sit there and keep going.

On the topic of my material, he really didn't have any negative stuff to say, which I guess I'll finally accept as a good thing. He noted how my character on stage is very even-keeled, with a touch of sarcasm. That's pretty much just an extension of me, so I've got the "be yourself" bases covered. He also said that I've got some good similes and that I could be probably be a little edgier, at least, that's the natural evolution he sees in what I'm doing.

He also remarked that I seemed comfortable on stage, when in reality there's still a several moments when I'm not. He gave me a quick tip on microphone technique that I'll probably use and also compared the stage to a batters box, since I was wearing my Expos hat. He said not to start your set until your comfortable and in your stance. Don't just walk up and start talking as you get to the mic. Have the ump call time, get set and go when you're ready.

I told him I was expecting a little harsher criticism after he told us all he'd revert to Simon Cowell mode. He said that honestly, he didn't think I needed it and suggested maybe going to an open mic before the show. I still haven't been to one yet, and even though I know I should, I also wanted to take my driving test without taking any lessons. I like the idea of it being my first time in front of a paying audience. But then afterwards while talking with some classmates, I agreed to hit an open mic the Wednesday before our show with a couple people.

I also discovered a week ago that my softball schedule revolves around Sunday, Monday and Wednesday nights. Mondays and Wednesdays are the nights of the two major open mics in town. I'll have to pull off some fancy time management if I want to fit in everything I want to this summer.

Week 7

Last night, after almost exactly a month off, I had a comedy workshop. It was fairly uneventful, but I did have a fun little encounter on the way there. More on that later.

I spent most of the afternoon before the class fine tuning my material and rehearsing it over and over. It was probably the most I'd concentrated on my work since I started. After such a long hiatus, I wanted to return with a bit of a bang. We needed between 4 and 5 minutes of material and after working on it for a couple months, I figured it should be getting pretty close to what we're going to perform. And I also tried something I'd never thought of before. I brought my tape recorder and hit record before taking the stage. I can't believe I never thought of something that simple before. Just goes to show that even though I'm learning, I'm still an idiot.

Having listened back to my set a few times, it's amazing the things you don't notice when you're on stage. Sometimes the tone of my voice isn't even close to what I think it should be. Other times there's scattered laughter where I really don't remember there being any and vice versa. I've picked up a couple words that I need to pronounce a little better and words I should emphasize more. I think I learned more by recording myself, with an audience, than anything else I've done so far.

After my set I got the usual thumbs up from Joey. His only criticism this time was that I was playing with the mic cord. Each time I've gone up I've done something different with the mic. This time I put the stand aside and realized I was playing with the cord a little while I was doing it. I was just trying to get comfortable when I wasn't using my other hand. Apparently that's not a good thing. Oh well. I'll keep it in mind.

I'm also glad to report that there was a very noticeable improvement in practically everyone else in the workshop. It had been a month since I'd seen them and it was obvious we had all been practicing and honing our routine. That was really nice to see. Even the people I thought would really struggle have started coming into their own.

Someone also took pictures and recorded our sets on a video camera. I think we'll get a DVD copy next workshop. Here's a picture of me in the meantime...


Next week is, sigh, another off week because of Mother's Day. Then it's two more workshops and the big show. On the 17th we're getting some one-on-one time with Joey, which I'm really looking forward to. He hasn't been very specific or critical of anything I've done and I've never known quite how to take that. Getting a good 10 minutes alone to just pick his brain on everything I have is gonna be fun. He warned us that he'll be playing the role of Simon Cowell. I think I need a good kick in the ass. My jokes are decent, but I still think it needs a lot of work.


Now, here's what happened on the way there. I'd been psyching myself up all afternoon and was really in the zone when I got off the bus a block away from the club. For anyone who knows Montreal, it was the corner of Sherbrooke and Atwater. And then I heard someone yell "Excuse me! Excuse me, can you please help me?" from the bus shelter. It was an older lady in distress. She was sitting on the bench and holding crutches. Being the good samaritan, I walked over to see if I could lend her a hand.

Lady: "Oh, sir! Please help me! I've, I've lost a contact lens. And... I was just dropped off here and I don't have my transport pass... Can you believe someone did this to me? I'm a student at McGill, I'm in psychology! I've never even heard of anything like this! I'm sorry if I start crying..."
Jesse: "I'm sorry ma'am, is there anything I can do?"

She was clearly in need of help but also very insane. I thought she'd just ask for money, I could say no and walk away.

Lady: "I need to get somewhere by 7... is it 7 PM yet? Oh god, I can't believe this... can you help me to the corner and help me hail a ride?"
Jesse: "Oh, sure. Like a cab?"
Lady: "No, no, I don't have any money... I'm sure someone will help me, I mean, look at me, how could anyone do this? I'm a PhD student!"
Jesse: "Uh, alright, I can do that."

So she stands up very slowly. I put my arm under hers very slowly and she shuffles towards the corner of the street very slowly. But not without criticizing how I'm helping her. "You don't have to hold me up you know, I can stand just find! Just keep your arm under mine! You're taller than me, it hurts if you try to hold me up!" Alright then.

She asks a man walking by us if he's driving anywhere. He says no, he's walking. She yells him the rest of her story for no particular reason while he keeps walking away. Yup. Definitely crazy.

We get to the corner and she asks me to tap the window of a car that is stopped at the light. She yells at them giving her spiel about losing the contact lens and not having a bus pass. They say no and laugh as they drive off. "Did you see that? Those fucking assholes were laughing? Who would laugh at me? They think it's funny... what if it happened to them? Can you fucking believe that?"

At this point I'm starting to get a little impatient. It's 7:05 PM and all I can think of is a way to get out of this without basically dropping this old lady onto the sidewalk. Then a man comes over to me...

Man: "Hey, let me guess, she said she lives in the West Island and she needs money to get home? I gave her $20 last week and have seen her at this corner twice since then. Don't give her anything."
Lady: "Who the fuck are you? I've never seen you before in my life! Don't lie to him, he's just helping me! Look at me, they left me here like this and I lost a contact lens!"
Man: "Dude, just so you know, she's scamming you."
Jesse: "Thanks, I'll be fine."
Lady: "I've never seen that man before, why would he say that to you? Fucking asshole, trying to scare you away like that."

And now, a police car stops at the red light...

Jesse: "Oh look, a police car, they ca-"
Lady: "NO! No, don't even look at them! Don't fucking look at them or get their attention!"
Jesse: [trying not to smile] "Why? They can probably help."
Lady: "No, they'll arrest me."
Jesse: [laughing] "Why?"
Lady: "Because, it's illegal in Montreal to ask for a ride."
Jesse: [stiffling laughter] "Well, under these circumstances I think they could make an excep-"
Lady: [angry] "NO! Please, please do not look at them. Just forget them."

The next car I stop again drives away, but this time I try to take over the talking. She does not like that.

Lady: "Can I ask you something? Please DO NOT talk to them! You'll scare them away, they'll think it's a scam!"
Jesse: "Actually, I think they'd listen to me more than you."
Lady: "No, they'll think we're related and that it's a scam! Please, please, please, don't say anything!"
Jesse : "But you're clearly frustrated and distraught, I think it'd hel-"
Lady: "DON'T TALK TO THEM!"
Jesse: [laughing a little again] "I'll try not to."

By this point, it's been over 10 minutes and my arm is still under hers. As badly as I wanted to get the hell out of there, I couldn't bring myself to just leave her in hysterics, barely able to stand on the corner of the sidewalk. And then a car stops at the red, but in the lane furthest away from us. She asks if I can run across to tap his window so she could talk. She says she'll be fine if I leave her standing there. Free! Free at last!

I run across to the guy, tap the window and start mentally planning my apology to her for leaving when he drives away. But no. This guy actually says he'll help. So he pulls across the lane, cutting through traffic now that the light is green, nearly causing an accident right beside me. He opens the passenger door and I help load her into the car. Meanwhile at least two cars are honking behind him and each time there's a honk, she yells and swears at them.

Just as I close the door, she thanks me and says "You know, if I was in Ottawa the first person would have picked me up!". And the driver immediately says "I am from Ottawa!". I closed the door and walked away briskly while hearing the car peel through the intersection on a yellow light.

I walked into class 15 minutes late and had completely forgotten my entire set. Fucking Ottawa.

No Week 6

I didn't make it to my Week 6 comedy workshop, but I actually have a semi-legitimate excuse. On Saturday I was out for a bachelor party that lasted from noon until beyond midnight and it was my birthday on Sunday. Excuse me if I felt like spending my birthday hungover while catching up on TV shows with my girlfriend. Besides, the assignment was to perform without our notebooks, which I was already pretty capable of doing.

To remedy the situation, I'm going to head out for an Open Mic night tomorrow. I also asked a comedy comrade how things went on Sunday and what are assignment was. He said we just needed another minute of material and that our "graduation" is tentatively scheduled for May 30th and June 1st. That gives a solid month to hone our sets. It should get pretty interesting down the stretch.

In the meantime, since it was my birthday, I'm going to go into the vault and post something I wrote a couple years ago. It's not a part of my guide to healthy living, but I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere.

I do have a few other things I want to talk about soon though, like my ongoing infatuation with one-liners. Before the end of the week, I promise.

Week 5

Better late than never!

Last week I was pretty busy, then I went out to Nova Scotia to visit family over the Easter weekend. There was no workshop this Sunday and also none for this upcoming Sunday, but I will try to give a quick recap of what went down on the 5th of April.

The assignment we had was to add a tag line to our jokes. It wasn't that hard to tack on a few lines. But it was a little tricky to come up with something I thought was funny. I can remember one that got a few extra laughs, so I considered it mission accomplished.

After I performed, Joey gave me this assessment...

Joey: "Well, I always like the soccer stuff..."
Jesse: "I tried to trim a little off like you said, but I felt I basically did the same as last week."
Joey: "Nah, you definitely got to your punchlines quicker. But you have some clever lines that are getting lost in there. Overall, good job."
Jesse: "How do I make sure they don't get lost?"
Joey: "Wait a beat. Count it out in your head if you have to. One... two... You're just not giving them time to sink in."
Jesse: "So I just need to work on my timing."
Joey: "Exactly. Wait a beat for people to get it."

From that, there are two things that came to mind. First, I'm fairly certain he hasn't used the word 'clever' to describe anyone else's material. I took that as a pretty big compliment. I like being clever. And secondly, I think I have pretty good timing in general, but there weren't many laughs coming from a crowd that heard everything a week before. If you wait a beat and get nothing, that's pretty bad. Just an extended awkward silence. I was also more nervous that week than any other week, because I felt like I didn't make much progress. Like I said, I thought I just repeated the same jokes from the week before, with a few extra lines in the place of some others. Basically, I don't think I got any worse, but almost everyone else improved markedly and that psyched me out a little.

All in all, he thinks I've got some clever lines and it's easy to work on timing. I'm taking that to the bank for now.

When we rejoin on the 26th, we're supposed to be able to perform without any notes. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to pull that off. Until then I'm constantly trying to tweak everything I've got so far. Also, because we're locked in to our topics, I may try out an Open Mic soon to test out other random stuff I've written. It'll also keep me in a groove during this mini hiatus.

Week 4: Part Deux

...and now, the exciting conclusion!

But first, a couple notes that I forgot to mention about the last workshop.

- During the break I joined in on a conversation. Someone had a bit about being afraid of heights and said "The only people who aren't afraid of heights are Native Americans and blind people." I didn't quite get the reference to natives and a few other people apparently didn't either. He said that he thought it was common knowledge but natives are rarely afraid of heights. He has friends in construction and many of the high rise workers that have to walk beams while building skyscrapers are native. Someone backed him up and said that they have an innate ability to find a center of balance. I still don't know whether to believe it. Interesting, nonetheless.

- The guy who was afraid of heights also happened to be a professionally ranked pool player. He was just down in Philadelphia for a tournament. I definitely have to play him once, just to see how good he is. I used to be good, but haven't played in forever. It'll be fun when he demolishes me.

So I went down to Comedyworks to see the Best Open Micers and Joey perform. The show started an hour earlier, so I actually missed most of the amateurs. However I did catch the last four and they were all very, very different from each other. Bonus: Ali Hassan, the guy I saw perform on Friday, was MC'ing! Good stuff.

First I saw was a guy who really kinda sucked, if I'm gonna be honest. The only joke of his I can remember was that a good way to pick up girls is to start talking to them and then let out a silent fart (seriously) before saying "Awww gross, I think someone farted... let's go back to my place and watch the beginning of Titanic..." Ugh.

Next up was someone who is apparently in the workshop, although I can only vaguely remember her from the first week. She had a very good impression of her father from Barbados, most of her five minutes was about growing up with him. I liked it.

Third was a musical act. I'd describe the guy as Jason Schwartzman-esque. Had a nice outfit with suspenders and a tie. Sharp looking fellow. He had a keyboard up on stage and said "Have you ever been in a relationship you knew was bad for you? But you kept going back? That's what this song is about. It's called Chinatown." As an admirer of musical comedy, I really enjoyed the song. Very clever, a little catchy, hit all his notes. Very well done.

Last of the amateurs was some big dude who basically yelled and stomped around his entire set, which was a real shame because his jokes were great. If I didn't feel like I was being assaulted, it would have been hilarious.

A comic by the name of Heidi Foss also performed. She's written for "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" (It's a Canadian satire news show, think The Daily Show but with four anchors and it's been on for at least 15 years now. Very popular up here.) and I'd seen her perform once before. Her whole set is deadpan one-liners. I have a very soft spot for deadpan and one-liners so I love her stuff. I'd also love to show a clip of her but I can't seem to find one. You know what they say, if it ain't on YouTube, it doesn't exist.

Joey Elias took the stage last and stayed true to his claim of "Don't learn from me on stage. I'm a terrible example of what I'm teaching you." Don't get me wrong, he's great, but he's much more of a storyteller than a joke teller. He's just very comfortable on stage and basically goes with whatever's on his mind. Or maybe it's just that he's been doing this for 15 years and he's gotten really good at it. Either way, he's a natural on stage and it was fun seeing him perform after getting to know him.

After Joey performed it was announced that Andrea, the girl in my class, had won the competition. She now gets an opening slot on a weekend show. I really thought the Chinatown guy shoulda won, but I was happy for her. It also gave me a sense of "If she can do it, then I can do it!" if that makes any sense.

Here's a clip of Joey Elias to finish it off. It's barely even funny, but it's the only thing he's got on YouTube. I'll tell him he might wanna get on that.

Week 4

This past Sunday was probably the first time I've seen both progress and regress in our little comedy workshop. (Ooooh... I like that. Workshop. I'm gonna retroactively change all references to "Class" and "Course" to "Workshop". I always thought it sounded too formal.) So yeah, the workshop was pretty interesting. I felt that we got a real sense of some people's sense of humour. As well as how well some people can follow instructions.

As you remember, our assignment was to find the punchlines in our rants and write a setup for it. Basically, just reduce our rants into sweet, sweet concentrate. I wasn't too happy with my mini rants last week about being hairy and the Expos, so I went back to my list and also cheated a little by using an old topic I'd written about a while ago. Going in, I was fairly confident in what I had come up with.

I hate to say it, but I wasn't very impressed with the rest of the group. Most of them basically repeated their rants from two weeks ago, I could barely tell the difference. Inexplicably, a couple even chose just one rant and expanded on it. There were also several people who either had trouble identifying their punchlines or simply had none to work with. The worst case was someone who went up and said "One", then a couple sentences with no discernable punchline, setup or topic. "Two", repeat. "Three", you get the idea. He basically chose what he thought was the punchline and tacked on the line right before it, without really introducing any subject. It was bizarre, to say the least.

One guy, who was a writer, ranted last week about reading material in the bathroom. It was his only rant and it wasn't bad. He clearly knows how to write something meant to be read, it just needed a lot of cutting down. But this time he just went with another rant, basically starting over. When Joey asked why he didn't stick with his other topic he said that we've all heard it, he didn't want to use stale material. I was very glad someone brought that up, because I've always thought I'd have a hard time repeating the same act over and over again. It seems to me that there'd be people there who would have heard the jokes before and I wouldn't want to give the impression that I only have ten minutes of material that I repeat over and over. However, it was pointed out to me that people listen to songs over and over and go to concerts just to hear the band playing the same songs. And the band has to play the same songs every night for a different audience. I also could watch the same YouTube clip of my favourite comics many times. Not a bad way to look at it.

Joey also had a few encouraging words. "Get ready to hate everything you've written. You're going to be bored with it, you're not going to think it's funny anymore, you're not gonna want to repeat it. But that's how you build it. Also, don't memorize anything. I know a lot of you are going up there and reading and that's fine, but don't memorize it word for word. If you do that, you don't let it evolve. In fact, that's one of the ways it'll stay fresh to you. Write everything down, just don't memorize word for word." I may have cleaned that up a bit. At least, that's the message I got out of it.

There were about five of us left to go when we all stood up at the same time. Joey gave each person a number and I ended up last. I took the stage and said "I've always wanted to be a headliner" before getting into it. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I want divulge what I say anymore, because I'm pretty sure I'm writing some jokes I'll want to keep and it'll be much more satisfying to eventually post a video of me doing stand-up without people having read it. I dunno, I might change my mind. The subjects were "Not sleeping enough", "Not liking soccer" and "Being afraid of birds". I got some good laughs. Including a big, delayed one where I wasn't expecting to get it. It took me by surprise and I had to compose myself before moving on. I actually can't even remember what I said, which is terrible. Hopefully it gets the same reaction next week if I don't cut it out of the joke. I also got one of the loudest groans of the night. Good groans, I think. I'd rather get something than nothing. On the flip side, I was met with dead silence on one line I thought would kill. Meh. Comedy. It's a funny thing.

Joey was giving everyone feedback right after their mini-routines. As I said, most people were getting "Trim the fat" but there was a few times he would point out a specific word or phrase that should be expanded or deleted. I was pretty eager to hear what he had for me. "That was pretty good. Pretty good. I hate soccer too, so I loved that stuff. You still gotta tighten it up a bit, but yeah, I liked it. Pretty good." That might not look good in writing but there weren't many "pretty goods" that night. I took it as an endorsement and felt good.

After the show, Joey mentioned he was a featured performer in about an hour, down the street at Comedyworks for the Best Of Open Mic night. All the best amateurs of the month were invited back to compete for an opening slot for a weekend show. I was feeling good and thought I should mingle a bit more with my new friends, so for the second time in three days I visited the Comedyworks. This time it actually was a field trip.

To be continued...

And furthermore...

Alright, probably about time to explain what I meant about not digging Joey's methods. We've only had three classes so far and I've only been to two of them, but what we've gone over is very stereotypical sources of finding and creating humour.

The first exercise we had was to make the list. We were told not to be funny, so I tried to stick with a fairly honest and straight forward approach. And now that's the material I'm supposed to draw from to write my first jokes. There's definitely some stuff to work with but when looking over notes I've taken down or topics I've written about in the past, it's not usually about me. When it is about me, it's a long drawn out story, like what I wrote about my knee surgeries. I'd rather talk about something random that I think is funny than something about me which I don't find as funny. Here's a quick sample of topics that I've jotted down because I thought it could go somewhere:

- When Keifer Sutherland was in jail they said he was an exemplary prisoner and never complained about having to wash dirty underwear. In passing, they said he also worked in the kitchen...

- The option to have automatic parallel parking on your Lexus costs $4000. You know what I can do for $4000? Parallel park your car. Whenever you want. Same goes for the $15000 machine in my office that folds papers into envelopes and breaks down every week...

- I think it'd be really fun to give your kid an accent. It'd take dedication, but it'd be totally worth it. I just can't decide between Pirate or Christopher Walken...

- Why is a vest the only piece of clothing that has been successfully bulletproofed? Do we seriously not have the technology for bulletproof sleeves?

- Jesus was the world's first great magician. If he was alive today, he'd probably be some crazy celebrity magician with a cheesy fake name, like Criss Angel or something less obvious... (Uh, I actually have a lot of stuff written about Jesus... moving on...)

These are not exactly the type of things that bother me or are obvious about me or etc, etc. Perhaps this means that I'm more of an observational comic. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm still trying to carve out exactly who I want to be on stage.

The problem I'm running into now is that Joey wants us to stick to the list we wrote. And our rants. And creating a proper setup and punch line. I'm working at it, but it's tough to be inspired when you don't think the material is all that funny to begin with.

On the bright side of all this, you can't learn to run without learning to walk. All of these techniques I'm learning will hopefully form a good base to get comfortable with. Then once I am feeling good, I'll definitely be messing around with the formula we're being taught. I don't especially like following instructions either, so I'm already trying to figure out some kind of "Punchline Jeopardy" where the punchline becomes the setup and, well, you get the idea.

And once I'm through with these topics, they will probably be classified in "Things to avoid". I might even try the same thing over again using 3 not obvious things about me, 10 things I like, am amused by or love and 5 positive characteristics. After all, gotta be yourself.

Week 3

Knowing that I was going to miss the second class, I sent an email to Joey with my assignment. I had a bit of trouble coming up with the list (3 obvious things about you, 10 things you hate, are bothered by or scared of, 5 negative characteristics) because in general I’m a pretty happy and positive guy. Things piss me off all the time, but I can’t really think of them on command. I was also expecting a reply from Joey with the assignment for week three. Alas, there was none. No reply, that is.

The first week I didn’t know what to expect, but that was okay, because we were all in the same boat. This time, I took my seat just as Joey started talking. “So, did anyone have trouble with their assignment this week?” he said. A few people said they weren’t sure if they did it right and one guy said he accidentally erased it. Hmmm… erased it? “Well, you should all have your six rants in front of you. Choose your three favourites and let’s hear ‘em.” Uh oh. I raised my hand and asked exactly what the assignment was, since I missed last week. “Just take three topics from the list you made and write a rant about each one. Avoid obvious characteristics like ‘Lazy’ and ‘Procrastination’, pick a few that are unique only to you. We’ll give you some time, just go when you’re ready.” Well, being lazy and procrastinating were definitely on my list of negative characteristics.

So while other people took the stage and read or ranted, I was trying to figure out what to do. I could barely remember the list I emailed over a week earlier. I never even put it to paper. Not to mention, it was much more fun listening to everyone else.

Other people’s rants were pretty varied. According to the instructions given, you shouldn’t try too hard to be funny. Just write or record what comes to mind on your subject. Apparently the twist was that Joey didn’t tell people they’d be sharing their thoughts. The guy who ‘erased’ his only rant had recorded it without writing it down and was ill prepared to perform it for an audience. He mostly rambled on about how he always gets angry or cries when an animal dies in a movie. Old Yeller was prominently involved.

From what I could tell, everyone fell into one of three categories: The Ramblers, The Train Of Thoughts and The Trying To Be Funny’s. The difference between the train of thoughts and the ramblers was that the TOT’s rants were pretty well constructed while the ramblers were all over the place, often veering in and out of the subject. And then there were the people clearly trying to get laughs. I can’t say I blame them, given what we’re all trying to do, but a couple might have learned a lesson or two when they paused for laughs and didn’t get any. Of course, there were a handful of people who were genuinely funny and had a few solid jokes already written in.

Some of the better rants were about rain (from a mailman), the green and red underlines in Microsoft Word, fear of your own mother, car flags for sports teams (Montreal Canadiens car flags are EVERYWHERE here), and Bluetooth headsets. More than a few of rants I didn't like started with “my apologies to the ladies, but…” As well as the person who said “I will not apologize to the ladies, but…” and then went on with the filthiest, most offensive rant of the night. Not the good kind. And he was one of the people who has been doing stand-up for a little while. I understand why he’s taking the class.

With about five or six people to go and not wanting to go last, I took the stage with two pretty rough rants.

“Hey, I’ve been trying to write and listen to you guys at the same time and it’s damn near impossible, so I’ve only got two quick rants for everyone.

I’m hairy. Really hairy. Head to toe, front to back, it’s connected. [motioning to my neck] I call this here a natural turtleneck. In Sex Ed class, when they told us that we’d grow hair where there was no hair before… that was eerily correct in my case. I also would have liked to have been warned about nipple hairs. Those were the first ones to grow in and they grow back if you pull them out. The rest of my body filled out like a patchy beard. Symmetry was a foreign concept to my hormones. Girls have told me they want to get my shirt off, just to wax me. Probably just to hear me scream. I’ve thought of waxing, but I wouldn’t know where to start or where it’d end.

I really, really hate that the Expos are gone. It’s spring, the snow is melting and I should be convincing myself that the Expos are finally going to win the World Series, until a month from now when they’re eliminated from playoff contention. This city has the worst sports fans in the world. They only show up when a team is doing well and it’s “cool” to be a fan, or when it’s $1 hot dog night. It got so bad with the Expos that they even hired a friend of mine to be their Video Guy. And they provided him with a satellite dish to tape games. But one day he didn’t get a channel their game was on. I got it. With regular cable. The Expos satellite didn’t. So he asked if I could tape the game. I told him only if I had the express written consent of Major League Baseball. I taped it, but never did get the written consent. Nowadays, I can’t help but think… if only the Expos sold some car flags, maybe they’d still be around today.”

I got a few solid laughs, especially at the end, since I brought back someone else’s rant. I thought that was a pretty smooth move, if I do say so myself. Always bring it back. There were probably more laughs for the Expos rant, and some enthusiastic clapping and cheering when I brought up the subject. After I sat back down, someone came over and gave me a hug. The hair rant didn’t go over so well with the guys, but the few girls in the class seemed to dig it. Call me, ladies. I didn’t have too many awkward pauses either, just a couple times when I had to look down at my notes. There were a lot of people who read too, so I tried to keep my head up and look at the crowd. All in all, I thought I did alright, especially on short notice.

The next assignment is to write out our rants and circle the places we got laughs or think we’d get laughs. We’ll use those as punchlines. Then we have to write a setup that lasts no more than 30 seconds. After this class, it started becoming clearer to me that I don’t think I’m jiving with the whole process Joey’s teaching us. I’m enjoying it and definitely learning from it, but I’ll get more into this next time. I’m writing at work now and my lunch break is almost over.

There’s no class on the 22nd, since Joey’s out of town, which is both good and bad news. The St-Patrick’s Day Parade is this Sunday, so that means drinking on the street all day with thousands of people dressed in green. The good news is I can now get as drunk as I want. The bad news is I was really looking forward to showing up drunk. I know I can do that any Sunday, but it’s just not the same.

No Week 2

No, I haven't quit already. I was just out of town this past weekend so I couldn't make it to comedy class. However, it was very worth it. I went to Toronto and attended a couple World Baseball Classic games and saw the Raptors lose to the Jazz.

The best part of the Raptors game was how they choked away a 6 point lead after the 3rd quarter. The crowd kept booing them as they missed shot after shot, but if they scored 100 points, everyone at the game gets a free slice of pizza the next day at Pizza Pizza. With 3 minutes left they had 97 points. With 1 minute left they had 99 points. They missed about 10 shots in the last minute and the crowd was hungrily booing their team. Then with the final seconds ticking off the clock Anthony Parker dunked it and the place exploded. Buzzer sounds. Final score: Jazz 109 - Raptors 101. I love Toronto fans.

More importantly, I also got to hang out with my best friends, several of whom no longer live in Montreal. I may become the first comedian to only tell inside jokes. I have enough material for a 3 hour routine.

Week 1

So last night I had my first class at the Comedynest and took my first step to becoming a stand-up comic. People slowly trickled into the club and grabbed a chair while Joey chatted with a few people and watched everyone walk in. He commented on how interesting it was to see some people’s body language. That some of us looked nervous and then others had a look on their face like they were ready to go. While I’ll admit to a few butterflies, I’d like to think I fell into the latter category. I typically grabbed a seat near the back, but thought better of it and moved up to the front corner, right at the side of the stage. Glad I did too, because from my angle I was able to scope out the rest of the crowd.

There’s about 20-25 of us. I’d say more than half the class was guys in their mid to late 40’s. At least I’m having my mid-life crisis a little early. There were 5 girls, which Joey was very impressed with, since there are very few lady comics working in Montreal these days. The first thing we had to do, not surprisingly, was walk up to the stage with the lights on you and introduce yourself to everyone. Name, age, what you do, where you’re from and why you’re here. Pretty standard stuff. One caveat: no microphone. He said we’ll spend a whole class on mic techniques later. For now he wants us to project our voice.

Here’s my introduction:

Jesse: “Hey, my name is Jesse. I’m 27 years old, born and raised in Montreal. NDG, to be specific. I work for Volkswagen Finance. And like everyone else here, I’m a big fan of comedy. I’ve been wanting to try stand-up for a while and came across this course while checking out local shows. I just thought it’d be a great place to start.”
Joey: “So what does Volkswagen finance?”
Jesse: “Mostly cars, I assume.”
Joey: “And have you ever performed before?”
Jesse: “Nope. Never.”
Joey: “And who’s your favourite comedian?”
Jesse: [brief pause] “Norm Macdonald.”
Joey: “Wow. I was not expecting that answer.”
Jesse: “Really? Norm’s the best. I can’t not laugh at him.”
Joey: “Yeah, it’s a good answer. Cool.”

Afterwards I asked him why Norm was an unexpected answer. He said that not many people know he even did stand-up, that they think of him just from Saturday Night Live. He said he’d never gotten that answer before, it was very refreshing. If he’s used to people not knowing Norm did stand-up, then I’m not sure what to expect from the rest of the class anymore. That’s absurd.

First impressions of my comedy comrades: There are a few strange ones on the group, which was totally expected. We witnessed a lot of pacing around and hands in pockets. A few people even put their hand up to block the glare of the lights. That strikes me as a bad habit. Although, the lights were a lot brighter than I thought they’d be. I had to fight off the urge to put my hand up and I could barely see anyone in the audience. There were also a few really interesting jobs. One girl was a war crimes lawyer, but got out of that and took an improv class at Second City in Toronto. So she clearly has an unfair advantage, since war crimes are hilarious. I definitely would like to ask her about that at some point. One guy is an unemployed circus performer. A couple people were writers or have a writing background. Then there were a handful of people who are currently doing standup or have in the past and just want to learn more or get back into it.

After the intros, Joey said that we all did pretty well and he wasn’t worried about anyone. I don’t know about that. There were a couple people who looked terribly uncomfortable up on stage. I’m rooting for everyone, but I think some folk are gonna struggle with this. “You can’t fail this class.” Joey said. We’ll see about that. On the other hand, there were at least 3 people who I think will end up being very funny.

Most of us were pretty quiet and attentive, except for one guy who kept trying to get a few one liners in and sat there with a smug smile on his face afterwards. For instance, while Joey was talking about a few words to avoid, such as the “C-word”, Smuggy said “Chicken?” to a few chuckles. Yup. And that was probably his best one.

I dropped one line that I couldn’t resist. While introducing himself, this guy said we were lucky he showed up because he was missing women’s curling. A few people laughed, but he kept talking about it until it was obvious he wasn’t joking in the slightest, going on about Jennifer Jones winning gold in 2010. He said he was taping it and was going to watch it the second he got home. Joey said “Alright then, we don’t want you to miss too much so we’ll try to hurry this up for you.” To which I replied “Hurry hard!” just loud enough for a few people around me to hear. It got a good reaction. It’s a curling joke. If you didn’t get it, then you’re probably not Canadian.

The rest of the class he spoke about a lot of the basics. “Be yourself.” “Be confident.” “Speak clearly and enunciate.” Nothing you can’t figure out on your own. There was one thing he did say that stuck with me. “Comedy is all about misdirection. It’s basically magic, but with wordplay.” Another pretty obvious point, but I really liked how he put it. He already wasn’t expecting me to say Norm Macdonald, so I’m obviously on the right track, n’est ce pas?

We got our first assignment as well. List 3 things that are obvious to other people about you, 5 negative characteristics and 10 things you hate, that bother you and that scare you. No funny stuff yet, just an honest list to start working from. And from there we’ll learn how to build the setup, the punch line and the tag. Bonus: We can get into Thursday night shows for free to watch as much comedy as we can. I think I’ll be taking more than a few field trips for this class.

And that concluded our first session. Overall, it really wasn’t bad. I think there’s gonna be some good times ahead. Not to mention our ‘graduation’, when we all perform a 5 minute set in front of a live audience filled with family and friends. Now THAT is gonna be fun.

"It's the final countdown!" (cue awesome synthesizer)

Well, I'm a week away from my first stand-up class, if I can even call it that, and I have no idea what to expect from it. I discovered the course while checking out upcoming shows at a comedy club. Here's the ad:

"So you think you're funny? Learn stand-up from a pro Joey Elias and The Nest present a 20-hour course (10 weeks) Sunday evenings beginning March 1st $200.00 / space is limited"

Joey Elias is a pretty well known local comic and is actually quite funny. I've had the pleasure of seeing him perform and remember listening to an afternoon radio show he used to co-host on The Team 990, Montreal's sports radio station. That must have been 7 or 8 years ago. Now he's hosting The Comedy Hour on CJAD every weekday night at 11 PM. He's described it as a "Comedy Writing Course" on the air and last I heard there was only one spot left. Them spots are selling like hotcakes, I tells ya.

Either way, I didn't think too hard before signing up for the course. If anything I'm sure it'll be a good time and I'll meet some interesting people. In the meantime, I've been reading over stuff that I've previously written, just to try and have some ideas to work with on the first day. Hopefully there's no pop quiz.

I hope you enjoyed the clip of Anthony Jeselnik I posted. There isn't much I've found out about him, but that set is borderline genius as far as I'm concerned. Definitely worthy of being the first one on my blog. I'm going to keep posting videos of my favourite comedians, whether they be well known or just something I stumbled upon.