April 22nd, 2006

This is the running diary of my 25th birthday party. I left it pretty much as is, aside from a few small changes. The postscript at the end was written then as well. I hope it amuses.


6:54 PM - Stop by the bank to take out some money, just in case my cheapskate friends don't pay for me. Man, my friends suck.

6:56 PM - Holy shit... I have significantly more money than I remembered having. Mr Account Balance got me an early present. Either that or Revenue Qubec is processing taxes at an astonishing rate. I suspect the latter.

7:00 PM - Get to Sharx Pool Hall right in time for Game 1 of the Montreal Canadiens vs Carolina Hurricanes. Sister Sheree and Brother Bobby are the only ones there so far. No worries. I'm sure everyone's just warming up and getting ready to leave. Stretching... jogging on the spot... that kinda stuff.

7:11 PM - Matt Cullen scores for the Hurricanes. Less than a minute into the game. Wonderful.

7:20 PM - Bobby: "You just know that some really marginal acquaintance is going to show up first while it's just Sheree and I here. It's gonna be so awkward. I can't wait."

7:30 PM - Like always, Bobby is wrong. Jen and Nancy show up first. We switch tables to somewhere right beside a TV.

8:00 PM - My dad shows up to play a few quick games, says he's gonna teach us what real pool is like. Gives me $50 and says I can keep it if I beat him. And you people wonder why my brother and I are obsessively competitive.

8:01 PM - So my dad's pretty good.

8:03 PM - Alright. I'll get him in the rematch.

(Just to fill you in... according to family lore, my dad was quite the pool hustler in his youth. My grandfather used to hang out at the bar my dad played at because he'd never have to pay for a beer, he'd simply bet on him or my dad would pay the tab with his winnings. He's got a few trophies lying around the house too. I don't remember him being that good when I was a kid, but he obviously went easy on me... and neglected to teach me how to be half as good as him.)

8:10 PM - Tara and Janice show up. So we've got my father, brother, sister, girlfriend, girlfriend's sister... then friend and someone I've never met from Pittsburgh. And here's where I have to make sure they don't think they're walking in on a family reunion. In the background my brother sinks maybe 3 balls in the game against dad. I've got one more match before he has to go.

8:15 PM - After once again clearing off the table, Dad scratches on the eight ball on the easiest shot he had. I seriously question the legitimacy of that shot. My dad walks up to me as I try to hand back the $50 because he took a dive. Without breaking stride he shakes my hand, says "Happy birthday, kid." with a huge smile on his face and walks to the exit. This infuriates me for an instant, before I am quickly cheered up by the fact I'm $50 richer.

8:20 PM - Shane shows up by sneaking up behind me with some girl who I can only assume is a present for my birthday.

8:21 PM - Nope. Apparently they are quite cozy together and are off to go bowling.

8:30 PM - Game update: Habs are winning at this point by at least a couple of goals. Good times, everyone's happy and the TV we're watching is on RDS. Everyone else in the bar is on CBC. Our feed is about 5 seconds faster than theirs, thus we get to cheer for goals first. Suckers.

8:35 PM - Gainer and Tasha walk in. Things are starting to pick up. More food and drinks are ordered and we have a merry time watching the game and playing pool for the next hour and a half. During this time Bobby and Sheree leave, meaning I no longer have to be a role model. In the industry, we call this foreshadowing.

10:00 PM - Habs won, Sharx is done, off to a good pub, Hurley's. Shane and his girl leave us, off to do whatever it is they do.

10:10 PM - We get to Hurley's and grab a room to the left of the bar with plenty of seats and open tables. Only a group of four men are smoking cigars in the corner, but they seem friendly.

10:15 PM - Conversation flowing well... everyone getting along... getting some calls from people saying they'll show up soon. Everything is falling into place.

10:30 PM - The first shots are starting to come in. I specifically request vodka for the evening and Nancy obliges with a shot and a pint of Harp. There's not many good things to say about Nancy, but she does know her alcohol.

10:45 PM - Brad, Duke and Jason show up while Gainer leaves. Decent trade, although our crew is now sorely lacking narcolepsy.

10:50 PM - Matt arrives, followed quickly by Mazzy. Getting a little heavy on the guys right now.

10:53 PM - Tasha leaves and Marc shows up, not necessarily in that order. On one hand, the ratio is getting worse... on the other, Marc buys me a shot. Wait... I'm not sure if either of those are good things.

10:54 PM - Whiskey? Fuck you, Marc. I want vodka.

11:00 PM - Sandy and Amanda arrive to give the group a sorely needed kick of estrogen. They grab the seats right in the middle of everyone and cautiously glance around the room, not sure what they have gotten themselves into.

11:15 PM - A very heated debate breaks out about who would win in an Iron Chef competition between Marc (an actual chef) and I. For the moment, I'll admit that I'm a long shot and that Marc is the Iron Chef, but I think I can pull off an upset. Jen shotguns Chairman, while Marc and I decide on Duke, Tara and Brad as judges. Mazzy even volunteers to tape the proceedings. The theme ingredient is momentarily decided as ketchup but that is later rescinded. Once the logistics are seriously considered, it becomes clear that the chances of this happening are slim. (Although, Jen seems determined to set this up.) [Editor's note: The Iron Chef competition actually happened a while later and I had to forfeit due to illness the day of. Do not bring this up while in my presence.]

11:20 PM - Jon, Ferguson, Obie and Rakish enter the fray. Ferguson immediately orders shots. Whiskey again. Alright, at least my friends aren't cheapskates.

11:45 PM - Jon's girlfriend Myrle makes her debut along with two friends, one of whom I think was named Lindsay. Maybe the other is Rachel. To be honest, I think I could rattle off at least 20 names before I get either of them right. Sadly, I don't think I said a word to any of them other than "Nice to meet you" and "Thanks for coming" a while later. I guess there's always next year.

12:00 AM - A surprise appearance by my godwife Caro. Sandy apparently knows her because they are both from the West Island and play sports. Good for them.

12:15 AM - Someone: "Who wants to play darts?"
Jesse: "I do! I do!"
Nobody: "That's a great idea! I'm gonna go watch!"
Everyone: [dead silence]

12:20 AM - Playing an odd game of darts with Marc, Nancy and Caro. First one to hit 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 and a Bullseye wins.

12:21 AM - Tanya and Stef join the celebration. Marc and I leave the game to greet them and ask about the Badfish (Sublime tribute band) concert they were coming from. Stef had a few recordings on her cell but the sound quality left much to be desired. I couldn't tell a single song. Or maybe I was getting drunk. Nancy and Caro continue playing...

12:30 AM - Nancy and Caro are still playing and not done the game. Some guy named Mitch is taking shots for Nancy and trying to teach her how to throw. I rejoin the game, hit a bullseye and claim that I'll finish the game in 5 minutes and for everyone to set their watch.

12:36 AM - Game over. I win. I was told it was more than 5 minutes but I'll be damned if it was much more than that.

12:45 AM - Tara and Janice call it a night. In a stroke of pure genius, I slap Tara's ass on the way out. She spins around and inquires about who spanked her. I don't think it could be much clearer that it's the drunk guy grinning like an idiot. Marc points to Duke. Duke points to random man. Random Man: "Yeah. It was me." I keel over laughing and walk away. Word of mouth is that Tara tried to kick random guy in the nuts. Duke offers to buy him a drink but apparently he had a sense of humour about it.

1:00 AM - Jen leaves because she's not feeling well. Boooo-urns. She asks if I'm still doing alright. I reassure her that I'm fine, haven't had too much to drink and I'll see her when I get home. After she walks out I get a nagging suspicion that she didn't believe me... Nah.

1:10 AM - Chugging commences. Or at least, I think it was around here that I started chugging semi-competitively.

1:30 AM - Matt pulls my chair out from under me. I hit my head on the floor. Jerk.

1:30-1:45 AM - I miss several chairs which were not pulled out from under me and drink whatever I get my hands on. At least that's what I am told. The end is near.

1:50 AM - I start challenging anyone in the room to chug with me, eventually heading over to the guys in the corner, including Mitch, the dude who was playing darts. He says he'll chug with me but our beers are uneven. I try to even them out to no avail when he asks if I really want to do this because he was in the army or something. I yell out something along the lines of "Hey everyone! Mr. Kosovo thinks he can drink more than me!" before questioning his military authenticity by telling him he can't do pushups. He starts doing pushups. I either hit him with a chair, sat on him, or both. Instead of kicking my ass, he seems amused.

1:52 AM - In all confusion following the pushups, I decide it'd be fun to throw a closed umbrella clear across the room at Jason. Maybe 10 or 20 feet tops. It hits the table and wipes out everything on it. Strike... and strike.

1:55 AM - The bouncer comes in and demands to know who threw the umbrella and tells us all to leave. Before I can say anything Mitch intervenes, tells the bouncer that he threw it and says we were all leaving anyways. I told Mitch he didn't have to do that. He says it's my birthday and I entertained his friends so he didn't want me getting in trouble. Amazing.

2:00 AM - I am kicked out of a bar for the first time in my life.

Unknown - I am suddenly throwing up in the middle seat of a cab. Driver flips out and kicks us all out into the street... in the pouring rain. I think we're around the Imperial Tobacco buildings.

Unknown - I am awakened in a cab by my house. I tell friends that I'm fine and try to walk out on my own. Stepping out the car door and falling face first onto the trunk of the cab proves otherwise. I am brought into the stairs of my house and assure my friends I'm okay there.

Unknown - I am shivering and peel off my soaking wet clothes to go to bed.

10:00 AM - Lying in bed. Pain. Lots of pain. Jen is there and fills me in on a few gaps. Notably the fact that I apparently only got into bed around 4:30 AM yet I was dropped off at my house around 3:00 AM. Nice.

10:10 AM - Jen: "So, did you have a good time last night?"
Jesse: "Yup."


POST SCRIPT - As I have become aware of, Mitch is apparently the Umpire in chief of NDG Baseball. I don't know if he recognized Jason, Brad or myself, but it's more than likely that our paths have crossed and will cross again in the future. It is also a handy explanation of why I threw the umbrella, since Brad and Jason were yelling to Mitch about baseball when I chucked it... however, I prefer to think I had better reasons than that.