Jesse G's Guide to Healthy Living, Vol. 2

The lesson: Reach for the stars.

It was back in the summer of 2002... I was living downtown, just left my job to go back to school and American Idol had taken the world by storm. Like everyone else, I watched the first season and laughed at all the auditions. And lets be honest, that's why people watch the show. If you're a real fan of music, Idol is the last place you should be looking for it. There's this thing called the radio if you want to find music. Once you're done with that, I'll teach you about the iPod.

You can't help but feel a little bad about some of the hopefuls. And to clear my conscience about laughing at them, I decided I would try out as soon as there was a Canadian Idol. That way, I could giggle guilt free. I also convinced myself that maybe I'd get through a round. I have a pretty deep baritone and people have told me I should be on the radio. They probably meant I'd make a good morning host, but let's not split hairs. My voice is clearly meant to be heard.

I was a little too impatient to wait around for Canadian Idol. Not knowing whether it'd ever be created, I saw an ad for Popstars and jumped at it. This was an Idol clone that was around in Canada. I forget whether it was to try out for a group or to become a solo artist but that didn't matter much, I was determined to make an ass of myself. Whether it be on my own or with the help of others, so be it.

It was only an hour before the deadline for auditions by the time I psyched myself up to go down there. I told a few people about it but no one really believed I was actually gonna go through with it. (Another lesson: Friends are useless.) A small part of me was hoping there'd be a huge line and I wouldn't be able to get in. Okay, maybe a large part of me. I breathed a sigh of relief when I got there and there was nobody around. Aw shucks. I guess they were full and told everyone to go home. Until I saw someone sitting down at the registration table.

Jesse: "Uh, is this the place for the Popstars auditions?"
Guy: "Yeah, fill this out and go on in."
Jesse: "Are there a lot of people inside? Like, what's the waiting time?"
Guy: "Oh, don't worry, it should take 30 minutes tops."

They slapped a number on me and directed me to the auditorium. I walked in and surveyed the scene. About 50 people in line and a very sparse crew. And a large stage with 5 microphone stands. No sign of any judges. Almost immediately 5 people take the stage and get their own mic. Each person sang for about 30 seconds and then they all walked off the stage. No critique or anything. I guess it was the screening stage. Either way, I was unimpressed.

After hearing a few people sing, I started to think I was making a terrible mistake. Then a production assistant asked me what song I was going to sing. It was then that I realized I made a terrible mistake. I told her I hadn't decided yet. She said I only had 5 songs to choose from. Three of them I didn't know the words, one was an Eminem song and the other was... Nickelback. "How You Remind Me". Well, at least I know the words.

Waiting in line, it was fairly obvious who was taking it seriously and who wasn't. I wasn't. Everyone else was. And then the girl next to me started hyperventilating.

Jesse: "You okay?"
HyperGirl: "I dunno. Just really nervous... [trying to take deep breaths] You don't seem nervous..."
Jesse: [shrugging] "Well... you know... whatever happens, happens."
HyperGirl: [pondering my advice] "Whatever happens, happens. Whatever happens, happens." [repeating it like a creepy mantra] "Okay... thanks!"

She lasted a good 5 minutes before freaking out again.

Finally, it was the moment of truth. I was called up to the stage along with 4 other people. Naturally, I was center stage. However, the next few minutes are a bit of a blur. Here is what I remember:

- HyperGirl was actually pretty good. She had nothing to worry about.
- I was not good. I got the lyrics right but the spotlight was bright and I didn't know who to look at, so I think I sang with my eyes closed. That's right. I was in the zone, baby.
- As soon as I stopped singing and stepped away from the mic, I started cracking up. It was as if the sheer absurdity of what I'd just done hit me all at once. Of course, the guy who sang right after me was terrible, so it looked like I was laughing at him. Which only made me laugh harder. I tried my best to hold it all in but I don't know how good of a job I did. It probably looked like I was having a seizure.

By the time I left the stage, I was wiping tears of laughter off my face when a production assistant made her way over to me...

PA: "It's okay, you weren't that bad."
Jesse: [sniff] "How do I know if I made it through?"
PA: "What? Oh, um... don't worry about it."