Norm MacDonald ESPY Monologue

This clip combines my love of sports with my love of Norm MacDonald. And my love of awkward audience reactions. Ken Griffey Jr, I'm looking at you.

Cerebral? Really?

After moving in with my girlfriend, getting a dog and going to weddings almost every weekend for about two months, my summer is finally slowing down a little. And to celebrate, I went to an open mic last Monday.

I hadn't really prepared much for it. It was the first time that I wasn't using any new jokes and I just cobbled together 5 minutes from stuff I'd already written and performed, hoping to put together a real strong set. Whether I accomplished that or not is up for debate.

Here's the thing... considering the prep I put into it, I was remarkably comfortable on stage. I thought I was smooth, composed and had a good rhythm going. I didn't fuck anything up and never stuttered. I even ad libbed a little, which I had never done before. It felt pretty good. But for whatever reason, the crowd wasn't digging me at all. I have a joke about birds becoming religious terrorists because they've learned how to take down planes. Hell, since it seems like any video of me is on a permanent hiatus, here it goes...

"I don't like birds, but I do like foreigners... which is a little confusing, since they're both friendly, everywhere and have learned how to take down planes... In one fell swoop, birds have become religious terrorists. You see, they've always been the animal closest to God... and now they want the sky back. Apparently, a 747 is no match for a flock of suicidal seagulls. I know, I know... I shouldn't joke about that. I mean, birds are dumb, but even they don't believe in God."

I like that joke, I think it's pretty strong and has gotten a good reaction each time so far. This time, it was only a couple laughs from the back. I was frustrated and quipped "You guys read the news, right? You know that birds took down a plane? -silence- Of course you do, you're an educated crowd." At another point there was a lonely Nelson Muntz-esque "Ha-HA" after a joke and immediately mocked the laugh and said "I don't need your pity laughs." So yeah, didn't go as well as I hoped. I didn't come close to bombing, but my favourite jokes didn't go over.

After I walked back a couple other comics said they liked it. One even said "I think your stuff was a little too cerebral for this crowd." I didn't think so, until a guy who went up after me and started with this joke.

"So I take the bus a lot, right? And you know what happens on the bus, people ask for your seat. So this old lady comes up to me and asks if she can have my seat. Of course, I do what anyone would do, I said 'Shut up you old bitch and sit on the floor!!!" [uproarious laughter] Anyways, I guess I just have to continue to find my audience, because a crowd that laughs at that certainly is not it.

As for the shameful lack of activity on this blog, I've been having a hard time thinking of things to write about. At first it was easy since I was taking classes every week and had plenty of stuff to cover. But now, unless I'm going up on stage all the time (which I suppose I should be doing) I find myself with little to impart your way. One idea I've had is to start reviewing comedy albums, like a music critic. Like, one a month or week something. I dunno... just something to keep this thing going and make sure I am writing. I could easily write about 10 reviews of albums I already listen to, so it seems logical and hopefully even entertaining.

Until then, go back and read some old posts. Maybe you missed a joke or two. They're like leftover chili. Always better the second time around.

Just For Laughs and Louis CK

(Note: I started writing this on July 28th, then didn't finish it. Then I rewrote it today, August 14th, and Blogger is giving me credit for having written it on July 28th. I don't know how I feel about that. Or whether it even matters. Moving along...)

A few weeks ago Montreal hosted their annual Just For Laughs festival. Last I heard, it was the largest comedy festival in the world and always attracts some pretty big names in comedy. In fact, let me do a little research...

Well, I can only find the 2007 numbers right off the bat, since that was the 25th anniversary of the festival and they broke all their records, which were probably broken once again this year.

Number of indoor shows: 445
Number of outdoor shows: 1288
Number of artists: 1,682
Number countries represented: 19
Number of venues: 25
Festival attendance including ticketed and outdoor attendance: an estimated 2 million people

So that gives you all an idea of how big this thing is. All that to say, I went to see Louis CK on July 24th and was pretty much blown away. Not only that, but Jimmy Carr surprise opened for him with a quick 20 minute set before Louis took the stage. I'm a pretty big fan of Jimmy Carr and wouldn't hesitate to see him headline an event, so it was a real treat to see him open.

And then Louis CK came out and threw down 90 minutes of comedy. It was pretty impressive, to say the least. The first 70 minutes was all new material that I'd never heard, coming from someone who is putting out one hour specials every year. He recently went through a divorce, so his usual family themed (but definitely not family friendly) observations all had a new twist to it as he spoke about splitting up and being single again. And then for an encore, he went into an extended version of his "Everything is awesome, nobody is happy" bit that he did on Conan and is now a YouTube sensation. I posted it a few months ago, for anyone not familiar, just click on the Louis CK label to find it.

By the end of the evening my face hurt. The laughs were pretty much non-stop. I don't think a whole minute went by without cracking up. If that wasn't a big name comedian performing at the top of his game, then I don't know what is.

Slacking a little bit...

So it's been a long time since I've posted anything here, or anywhere, for that matter. Here's the scoop of what I've been up to lately and for the next little while...

I moved on July 1st and was really busy with that. I'm pretty much settled in now, although I've still got a few boxes to unpack and shelves to put up, it's at the point where I'm comfortable enough that I've lost motivation to keep unpacking. Why do work when you can sit and watch tv? Then, I've got two weddings to go to in the next couple weekends, including a few parties and seeing lots of friends visiting from out of town. And I'm still playing softball a couple times a week, primarily on the open mic nights.

Unfortunately, because of all this, I haven't had much time to do anything comedic lately. I suppose I should be making the time, but I've been sidetracked by that other stuff. I keep seeing my classmates going to shows (in some cases multiple times a week) and I can't help but feel like I'm really slacking off right now. I'm not even getting out there to support them because I've got something going pretty much every night.

I've gotta start putting other stuff on hold and making stand-up more of a priority. Which is easier said than done, but I might as well let everyone know that I know that I'm a slacker. Which should also come as no surprise to anyone who knows me.

Michael Jackson

I forgot to throw this in before posting the last entry, but this probably deserves to be addressed on it's own because it's the topic du jour and I'm nothing if not topical. I like Michael Jackson. Even though I'm more of a rock/alternative/metal kinda guy, my musical interests are all over the map, as I think everyone's should be. (As an aside, has anyone ever browsed your iPod and said "Wow, there's a lot of weird/different/strange stuff on here"? I think that's a good thing. I'd be disturbed by someone who has 30 gigs worth of one genre of music.)

Anyways, my point is that Michael Jackson made great music. His talent cannot be denied and is by all accounts not only a musical genius but he can be argued as the greatest entertainer of all time. I get it. But can everyone just calm the fuck down? If I read one more person's Twitter or Facebook update about him then I'm gonna start burning his albums out of spite. It's been 48 hours and I'm still getting "This is hitting me harder than I thought it would!" and "I still can't believe he's gone!" and "RIP MJ! we'll miss u :-("

And as far as the media's reaction to it all? I'll let Jon Lajoie handle that... and no, it's not too soon.

Adapting to a crowd

I'm moving in a few days, I've been packing pretty much all day and I've just gotta take a break for a bit. I figure watching Zack and Miri Make a Porno while cranking out a post oughta do the trick.

The other day I mentioned something about adapting to a crowd. I've been trying to read a lot of different opinions on stand up and one recurring theme is that the audience is having a conversation with you. You might be the only one talking, but there's a lot of give and take going on. If you pick up on their vibe, they'll tell you what they want to hear.

Now, it might be because I'm stubborn, but I've been of the opinion that if they don't laugh, then fuck'em. I know what's funny and if they don't like it, then they don't have a good enough sense of humour. But last week, I had a joke about religion that didn't land and then went through with another minute or two on religion. Well, that didn't really work either. Looking back on it, I could have easily bypassed it based on the reaction to the first joke. And I think that might be a good thing to do in the future. Except I don't really want to. I actually do think that if something doesn't work (unless I fuck it up, which is entirely possible and I'm pretty sure I'd notice, but didn't happen on Monday) then they're the problem, not me.

This is probably one of those things that I'll just figure out as I go along, but as of right now, I don't think I'm nearly comfortable enough to change my routine on the fly and I'd rather go out there and give what I think is my best stuff, regardless of reaction. Unless I bomb. I think if I ever bomb I might change my tune.

I'll take this moment to mention Matt Ruby. He's a New York comic who's been writing his blog for a few years and I've been reading his blog a lot since I started. If what I'm doing here ever ends up half as good as his page, that'd be fine by me. He also discusses the topic of tuning your set to the audience fairly often, including this post about a month ago: http://www.sandpapersuit.com/2009/05/adjusting-your-material-based-on-type.html

And now, back to packing. Or sleeping. Unfortunately not a combination of the two, because sleeppacking would be awesome. -Wake up- "Hey, everything's done! I must have packed it in my sleep!" -Self High Five-

Baby Steps

So I performed at the ComedyWorks open mic last night, as you may have been aware of. I'd say there were about 40 or 50 people there including a small handful of friends. Here are my thoughts on the evening... in exciting PRO and CON point form!!!

CON - I didn't do as well as I wanted to. Not saying that I bombed or anything, but I thought I'd be better.

PRO - Most of my biggest laughs came towards the end and I finished pretty strong.

CON - It was my first time on the stage there and two things threw me off. Firstly, the mic stand sucked. Maybe it was just me and I haven't learned how to use them yet, but it took a while to adjust it to my height and it kept slipping down while I was doing my set. Eventually I just said "Screw this thing" and took the mic out. By then I was already flustered and it made me skip over a joke. Also, the lights were a lot brighter than other ones I'd been in front of. I could see the first row and a couple side tables, but that was it. Overall, I don't think I was ever really comfortable and it effected me the whole 5 minutes.

PRO - I tried out some new material that went over well.

CON - I tried out some new material that really did not go over well.

PRO - I think I've figured out how to adapt to a crowd. They seemed picky (my friends said it was a tough crowd, I kinda disagree) and didn't react to what I thought was a great joke. And that led into an extended bit on the same topic. If a crowd reacts poorly to that again, I could just skip over the bit and go with something else. In fact, I'll probably expand on this whole point about "bad crowds" and "playing to the crowd" in another post.

CON - I cracked noticeably at least once because I stumbled over a word during a new joke. I hate cracking. Ruins the deadpan.

Overall, it was probably okay for the first time at a new place, and for trying new material, and for being only the second time I've ever been on stage with a paying audience. I didn't quite live up to my expectations but that's part of the learning experience.

TGIF

I'm just happy it's Friday... I've had a long week. Only 3 more hours to go at work... but I'll use some of this lunch hour to update.

The past two weeks have been largely uneventful. I haven't done any more shows since softball keeps getting in the way, but this Monday I'm gonna try to book myself for the open mic at ComedyWorks. I was able to make it this past week to support a couple classmates and the overall talent was better than I thought it'd be, and several pros came out to try new material.

There were about 8 amateurs doing 5 mintue sets and 4 or 5 pros so the night dragged on just a little. It was the first open mic I'd been to there, so I found out how they pick who returns for the Best Of at the end of the month. There's a ballot, and you rate each comic on a 1-to-5 scale, 5 being the best. It seems pretty easy to stack it in your favour if you bring a tonne of friends to the show. I'm tempted to not tell people when I'm performing there, as a real test.

The top two were announced as getting a spot for the show. One of which was my favourite of the night, some skinny kid who was all one-liners. The only criticism I had of him was this line "My friends think I have a gambling problem. I bet them $10 that I don't." Really? You're gonna use that? That joke doesn't even do the word "filler" justice. That's like saying "I threw a box of Corn Flakes out the window. I'm a cereal killer." However, the bulk of his stuff was very good. My two comrades had decent if unspectacular sets.

In this "downtime" I've been writing a fair bit. At least half of the stuff I'll be using on Monday will be new. Also, I know everyone is still waiting for the video. Trust me, I am too. And the guy who taped it is getting harassed by everyone else. It's coming and I'll post it the second I can.

Joey Elias' Comedy Course: In Retrospect

I just read over every post I've made about Joey's workshop. Back in February I really had no idea what I was signing up for and now almost 4 months later it's probably one of the best things I've ever done in my life. Having reflected on my show the past few days and gotten feedback from people, I know that this is something I can do, and more importantly, something I want to do.

After the show, a friend asked me "What's the greatest insight you got?" I was half buzzed from the alcohol, half buzzed from the high of being on stage, and I said "Fear is half the battle" and "Trust your gut" because I'm still kind of an idiot and they sounded like good answers. After thinking about it, I realized the one piece of advice I always thought of while I was trying to write was "Comedy is about misdirection. It's like magic, with wordplay." That's gotta be the thing that stuck the most. Every joke I've written, I've done so with the intention of surprising or even confusing the crowd.

I have also reconsidered my criticisms of the writing methods Joey taught us. I understand why he forced us to lock into our topics, since it really forced me to develop the jokes. Looking back on my notes, at least 75% of the jokes I had in, say Week 5, didn't make the cut on Sunday. The lesson I took was to never stop re-writing or trying to improve a topic you think you've exhausted. I still don't like how he taught us to choose topics out of negativity, but I can see how it's useful. Obviously, you're more likely to rant out of frustration than admiration. Although I was just thinking today about how awesome Vicks-scented Kleenex is. I could probably get a minute or two out of that.

I think I've also started to find my style. I always wanted to be deadpan but wasn't sure that I'd be able to have the writing ability to pull it off, or the facial discipline. I have yet to watch the tape, and I'm sure I was pretty close to cracking a few times, but the reviews have been good so far so I'll probably be continuing with the deadpan. I'm pretty happy about that.

What I really benefited from the course wasn't so much the writing tips, but the experience of being with other people who want to perform stand up comedy. This whole process has completely taken the intimidation out of what I'm doing. The thought of doing stand up comedy has always seemed a little crazy to me, and now I've found a group of people who don't think it's crazy at all. That support group alone is invaluable.

Also, after reading through everything I've written, I realized I might have been a little harsh on my classmates, either individually or as a collective. And for that, assuming some of them will eventually discover this blog whether I tell them about it or not, I apologize. Everything I wrote, I believed in at the time, but I've also realized that everyone is taking their own path at their own pace and will eventually get to where they want to be. Everyone had improved significantly towards the end of the workshop and we all had solid sets and got some laughs at the show. I truly hope to run into my comedy comrades often and am looking forward to witnessing everyone's comedic evolution. Each time I see any of them, it will remind me of our little workshop. This is only our beginning and the best of each of us is yet to come. And I absolutely realize how cheesy this last paragraph was but I mean every word of it and it needed to be said.

Overall, as much as the workshop was one of the best things I've ever decided to do, the show itself was one of the greatest experiences of my life. My thanks go out to anyone was a part of it.

And yes, I've been bombarded by requests to post the video. Trust me, no one wants it more than I do. The guy who taped it is gonna send us everything as soon as he's finished processing and editing it. Patience is a virtue. Once again, in the meantime, I've got some pictures from the show.


I also signed up for Twitter, which I gotta admit is a little cooler than I thought it'd be. The link should be on the right hand side of this page. I'll mostly be posting one liners and news about my blog or any shows I'll be doing.

Great Success!

Hey everyone... it's about 2 AM and I have to be up at 6:45 to go to work. I just finished my first show and then went out drinking to celebrate with everyone, so I'm just a little tipsy. And I can tell you that the evening was fantastic. I think the final tally was 18 performers doing 5 minutes. The MC was local comic Dan Bingham and Joey closed the show with a quick set. Everyone gave their best and the crowd reaction was more than positive. Personally, I'm very happy with my work and got some great comments from people throughout the night.

I must say, any doubts I had about giving an honest effort to be successful have been obliterated. There were cameras around and hopefully I'll be posting my set soon. Maybe it's the beer talking, but I am actually a little eager to show it off.

That closes the book on the Comedy Course by Joey Elias. From here on out, it's all me. I'll be posting a retrospect on the whole thing within the next couple days. All I know is, this ends the first chapter and the rest of the book is Choose-Your-Own-Adventure style. So really, who the hell knows. First of all, I gotta get some sleep.

The Home Stretch

It's only a few more days until my class' graduation show and I'm feeling pretty good. Last Sunday was our last workshop and Joey couldn't make it, so the inmates ran the asylum. Those of us who showed up gave a quick run through of our sets and got a couple minutes extra to play around with anything else we've been working on. No pressure or critiquing, just some stage time and listening to everyones jokes for the eighth time.

I wasn't actually planning on performing that night. I thought there would be a lot more socializing and hanging out, but everyone else was pretty eager to rehearse one more time. Towards the end someone asked how many people were left and my name was thrown out there, so I just went with it. I wasn't really prepared and while I think it showed a little, I didn't really screw anything up. I might have even been more relaxed than usual because I thought to myself, "Ah fuck it. Let's see what happens." once I was coaxed on stage. I also threw out a few one liners I'd written and they actually went over very well. I definitely know what I'll be closing with now. Afterwards someone said to me "So, you're doing Steven Wright stuff now?" I wouldn't go quite that far, but it was a nice comment.

Also of note, I still haven't hit an open mic. I was going to today, but seems like I miscalculated how quickly those nights get booked up. Oops. On the bright side, this fulfills my desire to have my first real performance be in front of a packed club. Looks like I'm going big, or going home.

One-on-one with Joey Elias

I had my alone time with Joey on Sunday and 10 minutes wasn't nearly enough time to get into everything I wanted to. After very little critiquing about my set, we started talking about any random thoughts on comedy that I had. There were other people waiting to chat though, so we had to wrap it up. He said I could email him any time if I have questions, but it's not nearly the same as a free flowing dialogue. Once I started asking about one liners and talking about the whole experience of taking the class, I really wanted to just sit there and keep going.

On the topic of my material, he really didn't have any negative stuff to say, which I guess I'll finally accept as a good thing. He noted how my character on stage is very even-keeled, with a touch of sarcasm. That's pretty much just an extension of me, so I've got the "be yourself" bases covered. He also said that I've got some good similes and that I could be probably be a little edgier, at least, that's the natural evolution he sees in what I'm doing.

He also remarked that I seemed comfortable on stage, when in reality there's still a several moments when I'm not. He gave me a quick tip on microphone technique that I'll probably use and also compared the stage to a batters box, since I was wearing my Expos hat. He said not to start your set until your comfortable and in your stance. Don't just walk up and start talking as you get to the mic. Have the ump call time, get set and go when you're ready.

I told him I was expecting a little harsher criticism after he told us all he'd revert to Simon Cowell mode. He said that honestly, he didn't think I needed it and suggested maybe going to an open mic before the show. I still haven't been to one yet, and even though I know I should, I also wanted to take my driving test without taking any lessons. I like the idea of it being my first time in front of a paying audience. But then afterwards while talking with some classmates, I agreed to hit an open mic the Wednesday before our show with a couple people.

I also discovered a week ago that my softball schedule revolves around Sunday, Monday and Wednesday nights. Mondays and Wednesdays are the nights of the two major open mics in town. I'll have to pull off some fancy time management if I want to fit in everything I want to this summer.

The Art of Moviewatching

A friend and I were arguing about whether it's okay to see a movie alone. He routinely goes to the theater by himself and can't fathom how anyone thinks this is a strange thing. Most other people think that seeing a movie by yourself is just plain wrong. "Why do you need someone to see a movie? Do you need someone at home when you watch a movie? You get your popcorn, your Nestle Iced Tea and you enjoy the movie. It's the most natural thing in the world." He makes a good point... or does he?

I actually fall somewhere in the middle of the argument. I probably could see a movie alone. In fact, I once did. A few years ago I found myself downtown with a couple hours to kill before meeting friends. So I decided to see a movie by myself. Jurassic Park 3. And I couldn't help but feel ashamed while I sat there all alone. As did everyone else. The movie was that bad. But in a more accurate way, I had more to feel ashamed of. I had no one to lean over to during the previews and say "I can't believe they made a sequel to that!" or to repeat all my favourite lines during the movie immediately after hearing them.

Aside from the awkward factor, it's a terrible waste of space. You're essentially taking up 3 seats all to yourself. No one will ever sit beside a stranger in a theater unless absolutely necessary. So if you're on your own, that's really 3 seats you're taking up. In other words, you're using only 33% of your socially allotted space. Also to take into consideration is the fact that you're likely to be given more than a 1 seat buffer by anyone in your row. Either they'll assume you have a friend in the lobby or they don't want to sit near the loser who's by himself out of fear you'll start talking to them or, heaven forbid, the movie itself. Of course, the more people in your group, the more efficient your space ratio becomes. For example, a group of 6 people works at a fantastic 75% clip. The only respectable option for a solo viewer is to take an aisle seat. Its benefits are two fold: a) You are taking up the same percentage of seats as a couple and b) You can make a bee line to the exit once the movie's over, to avoid eye contact with anyone who figured out you have no friends.

And then, when you walk out of the theater, you run into someone you know coming out of another movie that just finished. You exchange pleasantries until she asks what movie you saw. You say "Fast & Furious". She laughs nervously and asks who you managed to drag to that. You tell her you saw it alone. She once again laughs nervously. There's an uncomfortable pause... and then she abruptly says she'll see you around.

That's why we don't see movies alone.

The camera puts on 10 pounds...

...and makes everything less funny.

As I mentioned before, last class there was someone who taped everyone's set. And a couple days ago I finally got to watch myself on stage. It was moderately painful. I have very little experience performing in front of a camera. (That's what she said.) Amateur, would be the word that comes to mind. To make matters worse, there were only 20 people in the club and they'd all heard different variations of my set for the past month and a half. Since we've all heard each others material several times now, our workshops have taken on the context of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. "Hi. My name is Jesse and I haven't told a joke in 3 weeks." And at the end everyone claps and says "Good job. That was nice."

I suppose the reactions were basically what I'd heard on the audio I'd recorded myself, but it just looks worse when you can tell how terrible the atmosphere was. It looks like someone performing at a real club with no one there and fewer laughs, even for the good stuff. Someone commented on their video "This is my impression of doing stand-up for the hearing impaired."

The one thing I really wasn't happy with was my stage presence. I need to work on that. I can't put my finger on it yet, but I just looked too cautious, like I was trying not to break something. I thought I was comfortable on stage but it doesn't show. I'll figure it out.

And I'm sorry for not actually posting the video, but I'm not nearly ready to show it. I want the first video of myself posted here to be my first show in front of a real audience. Hopefully it'll also stand alone as something I'd be want to post regardless. Once I've got a few videos under my belt, I'll put it up and you can all bask in my humble beginnings.

Countdown to the show... T-Minus 19 Days...

New & Improved!

I don't know if anyone's noticed, but my blog's address has been www.promisenottolaugh.com for a week or so now. My awesome sister bought me the domain for my birthday. Thanks Sheree!

And because of the change to an actual domain, I thought I should at least try to put a little bit of a personal touch on the page while I try to figure out exactly what I'm gonna do with it. I figure now it's a little snazzier than the boring BlogSpot template I was using. I mean, it's still a boring BlogSpot template, but now it has a colour scheme and a banner I made all by myself! I can also write "boobs" on my calculator!

I'm sure there'll be a much more thorough overhaul in the future. Consider this version 1.1 with a 2.0 in the works. The black and yellow scheme simply means "Under Construction".

Week 7

Last night, after almost exactly a month off, I had a comedy workshop. It was fairly uneventful, but I did have a fun little encounter on the way there. More on that later.

I spent most of the afternoon before the class fine tuning my material and rehearsing it over and over. It was probably the most I'd concentrated on my work since I started. After such a long hiatus, I wanted to return with a bit of a bang. We needed between 4 and 5 minutes of material and after working on it for a couple months, I figured it should be getting pretty close to what we're going to perform. And I also tried something I'd never thought of before. I brought my tape recorder and hit record before taking the stage. I can't believe I never thought of something that simple before. Just goes to show that even though I'm learning, I'm still an idiot.

Having listened back to my set a few times, it's amazing the things you don't notice when you're on stage. Sometimes the tone of my voice isn't even close to what I think it should be. Other times there's scattered laughter where I really don't remember there being any and vice versa. I've picked up a couple words that I need to pronounce a little better and words I should emphasize more. I think I learned more by recording myself, with an audience, than anything else I've done so far.

After my set I got the usual thumbs up from Joey. His only criticism this time was that I was playing with the mic cord. Each time I've gone up I've done something different with the mic. This time I put the stand aside and realized I was playing with the cord a little while I was doing it. I was just trying to get comfortable when I wasn't using my other hand. Apparently that's not a good thing. Oh well. I'll keep it in mind.

I'm also glad to report that there was a very noticeable improvement in practically everyone else in the workshop. It had been a month since I'd seen them and it was obvious we had all been practicing and honing our routine. That was really nice to see. Even the people I thought would really struggle have started coming into their own.

Someone also took pictures and recorded our sets on a video camera. I think we'll get a DVD copy next workshop. Here's a picture of me in the meantime...


Next week is, sigh, another off week because of Mother's Day. Then it's two more workshops and the big show. On the 17th we're getting some one-on-one time with Joey, which I'm really looking forward to. He hasn't been very specific or critical of anything I've done and I've never known quite how to take that. Getting a good 10 minutes alone to just pick his brain on everything I have is gonna be fun. He warned us that he'll be playing the role of Simon Cowell. I think I need a good kick in the ass. My jokes are decent, but I still think it needs a lot of work.


Now, here's what happened on the way there. I'd been psyching myself up all afternoon and was really in the zone when I got off the bus a block away from the club. For anyone who knows Montreal, it was the corner of Sherbrooke and Atwater. And then I heard someone yell "Excuse me! Excuse me, can you please help me?" from the bus shelter. It was an older lady in distress. She was sitting on the bench and holding crutches. Being the good samaritan, I walked over to see if I could lend her a hand.

Lady: "Oh, sir! Please help me! I've, I've lost a contact lens. And... I was just dropped off here and I don't have my transport pass... Can you believe someone did this to me? I'm a student at McGill, I'm in psychology! I've never even heard of anything like this! I'm sorry if I start crying..."
Jesse: "I'm sorry ma'am, is there anything I can do?"

She was clearly in need of help but also very insane. I thought she'd just ask for money, I could say no and walk away.

Lady: "I need to get somewhere by 7... is it 7 PM yet? Oh god, I can't believe this... can you help me to the corner and help me hail a ride?"
Jesse: "Oh, sure. Like a cab?"
Lady: "No, no, I don't have any money... I'm sure someone will help me, I mean, look at me, how could anyone do this? I'm a PhD student!"
Jesse: "Uh, alright, I can do that."

So she stands up very slowly. I put my arm under hers very slowly and she shuffles towards the corner of the street very slowly. But not without criticizing how I'm helping her. "You don't have to hold me up you know, I can stand just find! Just keep your arm under mine! You're taller than me, it hurts if you try to hold me up!" Alright then.

She asks a man walking by us if he's driving anywhere. He says no, he's walking. She yells him the rest of her story for no particular reason while he keeps walking away. Yup. Definitely crazy.

We get to the corner and she asks me to tap the window of a car that is stopped at the light. She yells at them giving her spiel about losing the contact lens and not having a bus pass. They say no and laugh as they drive off. "Did you see that? Those fucking assholes were laughing? Who would laugh at me? They think it's funny... what if it happened to them? Can you fucking believe that?"

At this point I'm starting to get a little impatient. It's 7:05 PM and all I can think of is a way to get out of this without basically dropping this old lady onto the sidewalk. Then a man comes over to me...

Man: "Hey, let me guess, she said she lives in the West Island and she needs money to get home? I gave her $20 last week and have seen her at this corner twice since then. Don't give her anything."
Lady: "Who the fuck are you? I've never seen you before in my life! Don't lie to him, he's just helping me! Look at me, they left me here like this and I lost a contact lens!"
Man: "Dude, just so you know, she's scamming you."
Jesse: "Thanks, I'll be fine."
Lady: "I've never seen that man before, why would he say that to you? Fucking asshole, trying to scare you away like that."

And now, a police car stops at the red light...

Jesse: "Oh look, a police car, they ca-"
Lady: "NO! No, don't even look at them! Don't fucking look at them or get their attention!"
Jesse: [trying not to smile] "Why? They can probably help."
Lady: "No, they'll arrest me."
Jesse: [laughing] "Why?"
Lady: "Because, it's illegal in Montreal to ask for a ride."
Jesse: [stiffling laughter] "Well, under these circumstances I think they could make an excep-"
Lady: [angry] "NO! Please, please do not look at them. Just forget them."

The next car I stop again drives away, but this time I try to take over the talking. She does not like that.

Lady: "Can I ask you something? Please DO NOT talk to them! You'll scare them away, they'll think it's a scam!"
Jesse: "Actually, I think they'd listen to me more than you."
Lady: "No, they'll think we're related and that it's a scam! Please, please, please, don't say anything!"
Jesse : "But you're clearly frustrated and distraught, I think it'd hel-"
Lady: "DON'T TALK TO THEM!"
Jesse: [laughing a little again] "I'll try not to."

By this point, it's been over 10 minutes and my arm is still under hers. As badly as I wanted to get the hell out of there, I couldn't bring myself to just leave her in hysterics, barely able to stand on the corner of the sidewalk. And then a car stops at the red, but in the lane furthest away from us. She asks if I can run across to tap his window so she could talk. She says she'll be fine if I leave her standing there. Free! Free at last!

I run across to the guy, tap the window and start mentally planning my apology to her for leaving when he drives away. But no. This guy actually says he'll help. So he pulls across the lane, cutting through traffic now that the light is green, nearly causing an accident right beside me. He opens the passenger door and I help load her into the car. Meanwhile at least two cars are honking behind him and each time there's a honk, she yells and swears at them.

Just as I close the door, she thanks me and says "You know, if I was in Ottawa the first person would have picked me up!". And the driver immediately says "I am from Ottawa!". I closed the door and walked away briskly while hearing the car peel through the intersection on a yellow light.

I walked into class 15 minutes late and had completely forgotten my entire set. Fucking Ottawa.

One-Liners

I've always had a soft spot for comedians who go up and just fire off one-liners. Demetri Martin is growing more popular by the minute. Anthony Jeselnik still seems to be relatively unknown, but that can't last much longer. Rodney Dangerfield would have gotten no respect at all if it weren't for one-liners.

I believe it was Shakespeare that once said "Brevity is the soul of wit." Having read his work, I don't think he practiced what he preached, but he was on to something. A one-liner may be the ultimate form of stand-up comedy, if not the purest. To get a laugh out of a single, stand alone sentence can't be topped, in my opinion. They might not have quite the same payoff as a longer story with a huge punchline, but one-liners are often the jokes that you remember afterward. They'll get repeated amongst friends and quoted.

While trying to figure out my own personal style of comedy, I keep coming back to the thought of going this route. The only problem is that it seems like the hardest to do properly. When you're telling a story or riffing on a topic, if something doesn't go over, you can kinda keep chugging along. But with the abrupt and usually rapid fire nature of telling one-liners, if a joke misses, there's no covering it up. It's like "Okay... Uh, let's try the next one." In my mind, there is no other style that is so dependent on writing. A great delivery helps, but what it comes down to is how well crafted the joke is.

Since I've started writing the past couple months, I've been trying to come up with a few of my own and it's effing hard. All together I've written about 12-15 that are ready to go, with a few that probably need some major tweaking. And today, I wrote one that I think is my best so far. Because of my obsession with this, I'm finding it hard to concentrate on the work I've already developed for our show. All I'm thinking about is adding new ones to the list. Once I've got 5 minutes worth, I'll give them a shot and see if they get the reactions I feel they should. Might as well try everything to see what feels right.

I'll leave you with a true master... the late, great Mitch Hedberg.

April 22nd, 2006

This is the running diary of my 25th birthday party. I left it pretty much as is, aside from a few small changes. The postscript at the end was written then as well. I hope it amuses.


6:54 PM - Stop by the bank to take out some money, just in case my cheapskate friends don't pay for me. Man, my friends suck.

6:56 PM - Holy shit... I have significantly more money than I remembered having. Mr Account Balance got me an early present. Either that or Revenue Qubec is processing taxes at an astonishing rate. I suspect the latter.

7:00 PM - Get to Sharx Pool Hall right in time for Game 1 of the Montreal Canadiens vs Carolina Hurricanes. Sister Sheree and Brother Bobby are the only ones there so far. No worries. I'm sure everyone's just warming up and getting ready to leave. Stretching... jogging on the spot... that kinda stuff.

7:11 PM - Matt Cullen scores for the Hurricanes. Less than a minute into the game. Wonderful.

7:20 PM - Bobby: "You just know that some really marginal acquaintance is going to show up first while it's just Sheree and I here. It's gonna be so awkward. I can't wait."

7:30 PM - Like always, Bobby is wrong. Jen and Nancy show up first. We switch tables to somewhere right beside a TV.

8:00 PM - My dad shows up to play a few quick games, says he's gonna teach us what real pool is like. Gives me $50 and says I can keep it if I beat him. And you people wonder why my brother and I are obsessively competitive.

8:01 PM - So my dad's pretty good.

8:03 PM - Alright. I'll get him in the rematch.

(Just to fill you in... according to family lore, my dad was quite the pool hustler in his youth. My grandfather used to hang out at the bar my dad played at because he'd never have to pay for a beer, he'd simply bet on him or my dad would pay the tab with his winnings. He's got a few trophies lying around the house too. I don't remember him being that good when I was a kid, but he obviously went easy on me... and neglected to teach me how to be half as good as him.)

8:10 PM - Tara and Janice show up. So we've got my father, brother, sister, girlfriend, girlfriend's sister... then friend and someone I've never met from Pittsburgh. And here's where I have to make sure they don't think they're walking in on a family reunion. In the background my brother sinks maybe 3 balls in the game against dad. I've got one more match before he has to go.

8:15 PM - After once again clearing off the table, Dad scratches on the eight ball on the easiest shot he had. I seriously question the legitimacy of that shot. My dad walks up to me as I try to hand back the $50 because he took a dive. Without breaking stride he shakes my hand, says "Happy birthday, kid." with a huge smile on his face and walks to the exit. This infuriates me for an instant, before I am quickly cheered up by the fact I'm $50 richer.

8:20 PM - Shane shows up by sneaking up behind me with some girl who I can only assume is a present for my birthday.

8:21 PM - Nope. Apparently they are quite cozy together and are off to go bowling.

8:30 PM - Game update: Habs are winning at this point by at least a couple of goals. Good times, everyone's happy and the TV we're watching is on RDS. Everyone else in the bar is on CBC. Our feed is about 5 seconds faster than theirs, thus we get to cheer for goals first. Suckers.

8:35 PM - Gainer and Tasha walk in. Things are starting to pick up. More food and drinks are ordered and we have a merry time watching the game and playing pool for the next hour and a half. During this time Bobby and Sheree leave, meaning I no longer have to be a role model. In the industry, we call this foreshadowing.

10:00 PM - Habs won, Sharx is done, off to a good pub, Hurley's. Shane and his girl leave us, off to do whatever it is they do.

10:10 PM - We get to Hurley's and grab a room to the left of the bar with plenty of seats and open tables. Only a group of four men are smoking cigars in the corner, but they seem friendly.

10:15 PM - Conversation flowing well... everyone getting along... getting some calls from people saying they'll show up soon. Everything is falling into place.

10:30 PM - The first shots are starting to come in. I specifically request vodka for the evening and Nancy obliges with a shot and a pint of Harp. There's not many good things to say about Nancy, but she does know her alcohol.

10:45 PM - Brad, Duke and Jason show up while Gainer leaves. Decent trade, although our crew is now sorely lacking narcolepsy.

10:50 PM - Matt arrives, followed quickly by Mazzy. Getting a little heavy on the guys right now.

10:53 PM - Tasha leaves and Marc shows up, not necessarily in that order. On one hand, the ratio is getting worse... on the other, Marc buys me a shot. Wait... I'm not sure if either of those are good things.

10:54 PM - Whiskey? Fuck you, Marc. I want vodka.

11:00 PM - Sandy and Amanda arrive to give the group a sorely needed kick of estrogen. They grab the seats right in the middle of everyone and cautiously glance around the room, not sure what they have gotten themselves into.

11:15 PM - A very heated debate breaks out about who would win in an Iron Chef competition between Marc (an actual chef) and I. For the moment, I'll admit that I'm a long shot and that Marc is the Iron Chef, but I think I can pull off an upset. Jen shotguns Chairman, while Marc and I decide on Duke, Tara and Brad as judges. Mazzy even volunteers to tape the proceedings. The theme ingredient is momentarily decided as ketchup but that is later rescinded. Once the logistics are seriously considered, it becomes clear that the chances of this happening are slim. (Although, Jen seems determined to set this up.) [Editor's note: The Iron Chef competition actually happened a while later and I had to forfeit due to illness the day of. Do not bring this up while in my presence.]

11:20 PM - Jon, Ferguson, Obie and Rakish enter the fray. Ferguson immediately orders shots. Whiskey again. Alright, at least my friends aren't cheapskates.

11:45 PM - Jon's girlfriend Myrle makes her debut along with two friends, one of whom I think was named Lindsay. Maybe the other is Rachel. To be honest, I think I could rattle off at least 20 names before I get either of them right. Sadly, I don't think I said a word to any of them other than "Nice to meet you" and "Thanks for coming" a while later. I guess there's always next year.

12:00 AM - A surprise appearance by my godwife Caro. Sandy apparently knows her because they are both from the West Island and play sports. Good for them.

12:15 AM - Someone: "Who wants to play darts?"
Jesse: "I do! I do!"
Nobody: "That's a great idea! I'm gonna go watch!"
Everyone: [dead silence]

12:20 AM - Playing an odd game of darts with Marc, Nancy and Caro. First one to hit 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 and a Bullseye wins.

12:21 AM - Tanya and Stef join the celebration. Marc and I leave the game to greet them and ask about the Badfish (Sublime tribute band) concert they were coming from. Stef had a few recordings on her cell but the sound quality left much to be desired. I couldn't tell a single song. Or maybe I was getting drunk. Nancy and Caro continue playing...

12:30 AM - Nancy and Caro are still playing and not done the game. Some guy named Mitch is taking shots for Nancy and trying to teach her how to throw. I rejoin the game, hit a bullseye and claim that I'll finish the game in 5 minutes and for everyone to set their watch.

12:36 AM - Game over. I win. I was told it was more than 5 minutes but I'll be damned if it was much more than that.

12:45 AM - Tara and Janice call it a night. In a stroke of pure genius, I slap Tara's ass on the way out. She spins around and inquires about who spanked her. I don't think it could be much clearer that it's the drunk guy grinning like an idiot. Marc points to Duke. Duke points to random man. Random Man: "Yeah. It was me." I keel over laughing and walk away. Word of mouth is that Tara tried to kick random guy in the nuts. Duke offers to buy him a drink but apparently he had a sense of humour about it.

1:00 AM - Jen leaves because she's not feeling well. Boooo-urns. She asks if I'm still doing alright. I reassure her that I'm fine, haven't had too much to drink and I'll see her when I get home. After she walks out I get a nagging suspicion that she didn't believe me... Nah.

1:10 AM - Chugging commences. Or at least, I think it was around here that I started chugging semi-competitively.

1:30 AM - Matt pulls my chair out from under me. I hit my head on the floor. Jerk.

1:30-1:45 AM - I miss several chairs which were not pulled out from under me and drink whatever I get my hands on. At least that's what I am told. The end is near.

1:50 AM - I start challenging anyone in the room to chug with me, eventually heading over to the guys in the corner, including Mitch, the dude who was playing darts. He says he'll chug with me but our beers are uneven. I try to even them out to no avail when he asks if I really want to do this because he was in the army or something. I yell out something along the lines of "Hey everyone! Mr. Kosovo thinks he can drink more than me!" before questioning his military authenticity by telling him he can't do pushups. He starts doing pushups. I either hit him with a chair, sat on him, or both. Instead of kicking my ass, he seems amused.

1:52 AM - In all confusion following the pushups, I decide it'd be fun to throw a closed umbrella clear across the room at Jason. Maybe 10 or 20 feet tops. It hits the table and wipes out everything on it. Strike... and strike.

1:55 AM - The bouncer comes in and demands to know who threw the umbrella and tells us all to leave. Before I can say anything Mitch intervenes, tells the bouncer that he threw it and says we were all leaving anyways. I told Mitch he didn't have to do that. He says it's my birthday and I entertained his friends so he didn't want me getting in trouble. Amazing.

2:00 AM - I am kicked out of a bar for the first time in my life.

Unknown - I am suddenly throwing up in the middle seat of a cab. Driver flips out and kicks us all out into the street... in the pouring rain. I think we're around the Imperial Tobacco buildings.

Unknown - I am awakened in a cab by my house. I tell friends that I'm fine and try to walk out on my own. Stepping out the car door and falling face first onto the trunk of the cab proves otherwise. I am brought into the stairs of my house and assure my friends I'm okay there.

Unknown - I am shivering and peel off my soaking wet clothes to go to bed.

10:00 AM - Lying in bed. Pain. Lots of pain. Jen is there and fills me in on a few gaps. Notably the fact that I apparently only got into bed around 4:30 AM yet I was dropped off at my house around 3:00 AM. Nice.

10:10 AM - Jen: "So, did you have a good time last night?"
Jesse: "Yup."


POST SCRIPT - As I have become aware of, Mitch is apparently the Umpire in chief of NDG Baseball. I don't know if he recognized Jason, Brad or myself, but it's more than likely that our paths have crossed and will cross again in the future. It is also a handy explanation of why I threw the umbrella, since Brad and Jason were yelling to Mitch about baseball when I chucked it... however, I prefer to think I had better reasons than that.

No Week 6

I didn't make it to my Week 6 comedy workshop, but I actually have a semi-legitimate excuse. On Saturday I was out for a bachelor party that lasted from noon until beyond midnight and it was my birthday on Sunday. Excuse me if I felt like spending my birthday hungover while catching up on TV shows with my girlfriend. Besides, the assignment was to perform without our notebooks, which I was already pretty capable of doing.

To remedy the situation, I'm going to head out for an Open Mic night tomorrow. I also asked a comedy comrade how things went on Sunday and what are assignment was. He said we just needed another minute of material and that our "graduation" is tentatively scheduled for May 30th and June 1st. That gives a solid month to hone our sets. It should get pretty interesting down the stretch.

In the meantime, since it was my birthday, I'm going to go into the vault and post something I wrote a couple years ago. It's not a part of my guide to healthy living, but I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere.

I do have a few other things I want to talk about soon though, like my ongoing infatuation with one-liners. Before the end of the week, I promise.

Jesse G's Guide to Healthy Living, Vol. 2

The lesson: Reach for the stars.

It was back in the summer of 2002... I was living downtown, just left my job to go back to school and American Idol had taken the world by storm. Like everyone else, I watched the first season and laughed at all the auditions. And lets be honest, that's why people watch the show. If you're a real fan of music, Idol is the last place you should be looking for it. There's this thing called the radio if you want to find music. Once you're done with that, I'll teach you about the iPod.

You can't help but feel a little bad about some of the hopefuls. And to clear my conscience about laughing at them, I decided I would try out as soon as there was a Canadian Idol. That way, I could giggle guilt free. I also convinced myself that maybe I'd get through a round. I have a pretty deep baritone and people have told me I should be on the radio. They probably meant I'd make a good morning host, but let's not split hairs. My voice is clearly meant to be heard.

I was a little too impatient to wait around for Canadian Idol. Not knowing whether it'd ever be created, I saw an ad for Popstars and jumped at it. This was an Idol clone that was around in Canada. I forget whether it was to try out for a group or to become a solo artist but that didn't matter much, I was determined to make an ass of myself. Whether it be on my own or with the help of others, so be it.

It was only an hour before the deadline for auditions by the time I psyched myself up to go down there. I told a few people about it but no one really believed I was actually gonna go through with it. (Another lesson: Friends are useless.) A small part of me was hoping there'd be a huge line and I wouldn't be able to get in. Okay, maybe a large part of me. I breathed a sigh of relief when I got there and there was nobody around. Aw shucks. I guess they were full and told everyone to go home. Until I saw someone sitting down at the registration table.

Jesse: "Uh, is this the place for the Popstars auditions?"
Guy: "Yeah, fill this out and go on in."
Jesse: "Are there a lot of people inside? Like, what's the waiting time?"
Guy: "Oh, don't worry, it should take 30 minutes tops."

They slapped a number on me and directed me to the auditorium. I walked in and surveyed the scene. About 50 people in line and a very sparse crew. And a large stage with 5 microphone stands. No sign of any judges. Almost immediately 5 people take the stage and get their own mic. Each person sang for about 30 seconds and then they all walked off the stage. No critique or anything. I guess it was the screening stage. Either way, I was unimpressed.

After hearing a few people sing, I started to think I was making a terrible mistake. Then a production assistant asked me what song I was going to sing. It was then that I realized I made a terrible mistake. I told her I hadn't decided yet. She said I only had 5 songs to choose from. Three of them I didn't know the words, one was an Eminem song and the other was... Nickelback. "How You Remind Me". Well, at least I know the words.

Waiting in line, it was fairly obvious who was taking it seriously and who wasn't. I wasn't. Everyone else was. And then the girl next to me started hyperventilating.

Jesse: "You okay?"
HyperGirl: "I dunno. Just really nervous... [trying to take deep breaths] You don't seem nervous..."
Jesse: [shrugging] "Well... you know... whatever happens, happens."
HyperGirl: [pondering my advice] "Whatever happens, happens. Whatever happens, happens." [repeating it like a creepy mantra] "Okay... thanks!"

She lasted a good 5 minutes before freaking out again.

Finally, it was the moment of truth. I was called up to the stage along with 4 other people. Naturally, I was center stage. However, the next few minutes are a bit of a blur. Here is what I remember:

- HyperGirl was actually pretty good. She had nothing to worry about.
- I was not good. I got the lyrics right but the spotlight was bright and I didn't know who to look at, so I think I sang with my eyes closed. That's right. I was in the zone, baby.
- As soon as I stopped singing and stepped away from the mic, I started cracking up. It was as if the sheer absurdity of what I'd just done hit me all at once. Of course, the guy who sang right after me was terrible, so it looked like I was laughing at him. Which only made me laugh harder. I tried my best to hold it all in but I don't know how good of a job I did. It probably looked like I was having a seizure.

By the time I left the stage, I was wiping tears of laughter off my face when a production assistant made her way over to me...

PA: "It's okay, you weren't that bad."
Jesse: [sniff] "How do I know if I made it through?"
PA: "What? Oh, um... don't worry about it."

I have a blog?

Apparently, negligence is the leading cause of all blog death. Followed closely by hackers. Probably. Alright, I don't know where I'm going with that, but 3 out of 4 followers would surely agree that I haven't been posting much. Aside from the comedy workshop hiatus, I just haven't found myself with free evenings after work and my weekends have been booked solid. Not counting a few hurried breakfasts, I just had the first meal I've eaten at my house in almost two weeks. And I didn't even cook it, I just picked up a sub because I have no food in the kitchen and am too tired to go grocery shopping. Mmm... cold cut combo.

So, I'm gonna try to whip up an old story for another installment of Jesse G's Guide to Healthy Living. In the meantime, I'll provide you with a clip of someone I just discovered... Bo Burnham. I know, I know. I like to think I'm "with it" and know all the latest intertrends, but I missed out on Bo. I found out about him while looking for comedy to download for the long drive to Nova Scotia. I saw his name, checked out one of his songs on YouTube and got the album. I gotta say, I'm quite jealous of this kid. He's barely 18, his writing is beyond words and he plays music. And musical comedy seems to be all the rage these days too. Flight of the Conchords, Jon Lajoie, The Lonely Island... and perhaps better than all of them, Bo Burnham.



And if you liked that, I strongly encourage you to watch his other videos. I want to adopt him.

Week 5

Better late than never!

Last week I was pretty busy, then I went out to Nova Scotia to visit family over the Easter weekend. There was no workshop this Sunday and also none for this upcoming Sunday, but I will try to give a quick recap of what went down on the 5th of April.

The assignment we had was to add a tag line to our jokes. It wasn't that hard to tack on a few lines. But it was a little tricky to come up with something I thought was funny. I can remember one that got a few extra laughs, so I considered it mission accomplished.

After I performed, Joey gave me this assessment...

Joey: "Well, I always like the soccer stuff..."
Jesse: "I tried to trim a little off like you said, but I felt I basically did the same as last week."
Joey: "Nah, you definitely got to your punchlines quicker. But you have some clever lines that are getting lost in there. Overall, good job."
Jesse: "How do I make sure they don't get lost?"
Joey: "Wait a beat. Count it out in your head if you have to. One... two... You're just not giving them time to sink in."
Jesse: "So I just need to work on my timing."
Joey: "Exactly. Wait a beat for people to get it."

From that, there are two things that came to mind. First, I'm fairly certain he hasn't used the word 'clever' to describe anyone else's material. I took that as a pretty big compliment. I like being clever. And secondly, I think I have pretty good timing in general, but there weren't many laughs coming from a crowd that heard everything a week before. If you wait a beat and get nothing, that's pretty bad. Just an extended awkward silence. I was also more nervous that week than any other week, because I felt like I didn't make much progress. Like I said, I thought I just repeated the same jokes from the week before, with a few extra lines in the place of some others. Basically, I don't think I got any worse, but almost everyone else improved markedly and that psyched me out a little.

All in all, he thinks I've got some clever lines and it's easy to work on timing. I'm taking that to the bank for now.

When we rejoin on the 26th, we're supposed to be able to perform without any notes. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to pull that off. Until then I'm constantly trying to tweak everything I've got so far. Also, because we're locked in to our topics, I may try out an Open Mic soon to test out other random stuff I've written. It'll also keep me in a groove during this mini hiatus.

Week 4: Part Deux

...and now, the exciting conclusion!

But first, a couple notes that I forgot to mention about the last workshop.

- During the break I joined in on a conversation. Someone had a bit about being afraid of heights and said "The only people who aren't afraid of heights are Native Americans and blind people." I didn't quite get the reference to natives and a few other people apparently didn't either. He said that he thought it was common knowledge but natives are rarely afraid of heights. He has friends in construction and many of the high rise workers that have to walk beams while building skyscrapers are native. Someone backed him up and said that they have an innate ability to find a center of balance. I still don't know whether to believe it. Interesting, nonetheless.

- The guy who was afraid of heights also happened to be a professionally ranked pool player. He was just down in Philadelphia for a tournament. I definitely have to play him once, just to see how good he is. I used to be good, but haven't played in forever. It'll be fun when he demolishes me.

So I went down to Comedyworks to see the Best Open Micers and Joey perform. The show started an hour earlier, so I actually missed most of the amateurs. However I did catch the last four and they were all very, very different from each other. Bonus: Ali Hassan, the guy I saw perform on Friday, was MC'ing! Good stuff.

First I saw was a guy who really kinda sucked, if I'm gonna be honest. The only joke of his I can remember was that a good way to pick up girls is to start talking to them and then let out a silent fart (seriously) before saying "Awww gross, I think someone farted... let's go back to my place and watch the beginning of Titanic..." Ugh.

Next up was someone who is apparently in the workshop, although I can only vaguely remember her from the first week. She had a very good impression of her father from Barbados, most of her five minutes was about growing up with him. I liked it.

Third was a musical act. I'd describe the guy as Jason Schwartzman-esque. Had a nice outfit with suspenders and a tie. Sharp looking fellow. He had a keyboard up on stage and said "Have you ever been in a relationship you knew was bad for you? But you kept going back? That's what this song is about. It's called Chinatown." As an admirer of musical comedy, I really enjoyed the song. Very clever, a little catchy, hit all his notes. Very well done.

Last of the amateurs was some big dude who basically yelled and stomped around his entire set, which was a real shame because his jokes were great. If I didn't feel like I was being assaulted, it would have been hilarious.

A comic by the name of Heidi Foss also performed. She's written for "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" (It's a Canadian satire news show, think The Daily Show but with four anchors and it's been on for at least 15 years now. Very popular up here.) and I'd seen her perform once before. Her whole set is deadpan one-liners. I have a very soft spot for deadpan and one-liners so I love her stuff. I'd also love to show a clip of her but I can't seem to find one. You know what they say, if it ain't on YouTube, it doesn't exist.

Joey Elias took the stage last and stayed true to his claim of "Don't learn from me on stage. I'm a terrible example of what I'm teaching you." Don't get me wrong, he's great, but he's much more of a storyteller than a joke teller. He's just very comfortable on stage and basically goes with whatever's on his mind. Or maybe it's just that he's been doing this for 15 years and he's gotten really good at it. Either way, he's a natural on stage and it was fun seeing him perform after getting to know him.

After Joey performed it was announced that Andrea, the girl in my class, had won the competition. She now gets an opening slot on a weekend show. I really thought the Chinatown guy shoulda won, but I was happy for her. It also gave me a sense of "If she can do it, then I can do it!" if that makes any sense.

Here's a clip of Joey Elias to finish it off. It's barely even funny, but it's the only thing he's got on YouTube. I'll tell him he might wanna get on that.

Louis CK

Hmmm... it seems the clip I want to show isn't allowed to be embedded. I'll just post a link and promise that it's worth it to leave this page or open a tab. Funny, I'm afraid that most people are too lazy to click a link instead of just hitting "Play" on the little YouTube screen. That's actually a beautiful segue into the clip...

Louis CK on Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Week 4

This past Sunday was probably the first time I've seen both progress and regress in our little comedy workshop. (Ooooh... I like that. Workshop. I'm gonna retroactively change all references to "Class" and "Course" to "Workshop". I always thought it sounded too formal.) So yeah, the workshop was pretty interesting. I felt that we got a real sense of some people's sense of humour. As well as how well some people can follow instructions.

As you remember, our assignment was to find the punchlines in our rants and write a setup for it. Basically, just reduce our rants into sweet, sweet concentrate. I wasn't too happy with my mini rants last week about being hairy and the Expos, so I went back to my list and also cheated a little by using an old topic I'd written about a while ago. Going in, I was fairly confident in what I had come up with.

I hate to say it, but I wasn't very impressed with the rest of the group. Most of them basically repeated their rants from two weeks ago, I could barely tell the difference. Inexplicably, a couple even chose just one rant and expanded on it. There were also several people who either had trouble identifying their punchlines or simply had none to work with. The worst case was someone who went up and said "One", then a couple sentences with no discernable punchline, setup or topic. "Two", repeat. "Three", you get the idea. He basically chose what he thought was the punchline and tacked on the line right before it, without really introducing any subject. It was bizarre, to say the least.

One guy, who was a writer, ranted last week about reading material in the bathroom. It was his only rant and it wasn't bad. He clearly knows how to write something meant to be read, it just needed a lot of cutting down. But this time he just went with another rant, basically starting over. When Joey asked why he didn't stick with his other topic he said that we've all heard it, he didn't want to use stale material. I was very glad someone brought that up, because I've always thought I'd have a hard time repeating the same act over and over again. It seems to me that there'd be people there who would have heard the jokes before and I wouldn't want to give the impression that I only have ten minutes of material that I repeat over and over. However, it was pointed out to me that people listen to songs over and over and go to concerts just to hear the band playing the same songs. And the band has to play the same songs every night for a different audience. I also could watch the same YouTube clip of my favourite comics many times. Not a bad way to look at it.

Joey also had a few encouraging words. "Get ready to hate everything you've written. You're going to be bored with it, you're not going to think it's funny anymore, you're not gonna want to repeat it. But that's how you build it. Also, don't memorize anything. I know a lot of you are going up there and reading and that's fine, but don't memorize it word for word. If you do that, you don't let it evolve. In fact, that's one of the ways it'll stay fresh to you. Write everything down, just don't memorize word for word." I may have cleaned that up a bit. At least, that's the message I got out of it.

There were about five of us left to go when we all stood up at the same time. Joey gave each person a number and I ended up last. I took the stage and said "I've always wanted to be a headliner" before getting into it. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I want divulge what I say anymore, because I'm pretty sure I'm writing some jokes I'll want to keep and it'll be much more satisfying to eventually post a video of me doing stand-up without people having read it. I dunno, I might change my mind. The subjects were "Not sleeping enough", "Not liking soccer" and "Being afraid of birds". I got some good laughs. Including a big, delayed one where I wasn't expecting to get it. It took me by surprise and I had to compose myself before moving on. I actually can't even remember what I said, which is terrible. Hopefully it gets the same reaction next week if I don't cut it out of the joke. I also got one of the loudest groans of the night. Good groans, I think. I'd rather get something than nothing. On the flip side, I was met with dead silence on one line I thought would kill. Meh. Comedy. It's a funny thing.

Joey was giving everyone feedback right after their mini-routines. As I said, most people were getting "Trim the fat" but there was a few times he would point out a specific word or phrase that should be expanded or deleted. I was pretty eager to hear what he had for me. "That was pretty good. Pretty good. I hate soccer too, so I loved that stuff. You still gotta tighten it up a bit, but yeah, I liked it. Pretty good." That might not look good in writing but there weren't many "pretty goods" that night. I took it as an endorsement and felt good.

After the show, Joey mentioned he was a featured performer in about an hour, down the street at Comedyworks for the Best Of Open Mic night. All the best amateurs of the month were invited back to compete for an opening slot for a weekend show. I was feeling good and thought I should mingle a bit more with my new friends, so for the second time in three days I visited the Comedyworks. This time it actually was a field trip.

To be continued...

Field trip!

I hadn't been out to see a show since I've started taking the class and last night I didn't have any plans, so at the last minute I decided to head down to Comedyworks for the 11 PM show. My brother joined me, which was good news for the comics, since when we're together we laugh at pretty much everything, no matter how inappropriate.

When we got there and headed up to the room, the guy at the door sat us right in front because I was wearing my Expos hat. He thought that would be an excellent topic of conversation and good for a few jokes. Oh, Montreal Expos... never taken seriously, even in death.

I honestly didn't catch the MC's name, something like Ron Beaudry, but that's not right. (Edited 5/7/09: His name was Ron Vaudry. I saw him headlining the same place about a week ago) He was decent, but the crowd really wasn't into him. Even the people he was chatting up didn't appreciate him making fun of them. Get with the program people.

The first act was Christophe Davidson. I'd actually seen him MC twice at another club and had basically heard his entire set before. He's started getting weekend gigs so I assume he's climbing the local ladder. Personally, it was interesting to see him six or seven months later performing the same material, but clearly better. Looked more comfortable on state, the timing was a little tighter, added some good lines to a few jokes. Proof that practice does make perfect, which was comforting to see. It's good to know that if I suck right away there is hope.



Number two was Ali Hassan. He had a pretty high energy set and was very funny. Probably got the most laughs out of the audience than anybody on stage. One of my favourite jokes of the night was his about vegetarians. I'll do my best here, but it's not word for word and I'm sure some humour will be lost: "Vegetarianism is fine, I don't like it but cool, whatever. I just hate all those people who say they're vegetarian but eat fish and chicken. No! That's not vegetarian! That's like saying you're a heterosexual and you only like vagina... but yeah... you'll also have some cock."

Sadly, I can't seem to find any Ali Hassan on YouTube. There's a Indian comedian by the same name with tonnes of stuff on there, don't be fooled by imitations!

The headliner of the evening was Joe DeRosa. I know I've seen him before but I couldn't think of where, probably a Comedy Network special or something. Now, I'm not sure what happened, but the audience did not respond to a lot of his jokes. Maybe it was because it was past midnight, maybe he was just a little too angry, maybe it was because he had a bit centered around yelling out "Fuck Jesus!" but whatever the case at least half the people there were not very amused by him. Sitting front and center was a couple, and the girl was not only not laughing, but looked upset at her boyfriend for the first 5 minutes of the set. Like she was personally insulted by Joe before he even got started and by her boyfriend for bringing her there. Towards the end of his set, he started heckling the crowd. Then it just became open contempt for the room. But in a good way, he wasn't ruffled at all, he was rolling with it. About ten of us were loving it and cracking up, myself and my brother included.

And then, the coup de grace. While he was openly admitting to us that he was searching for a closer he said "I get depressed. Anyone else here get depressed? That happen to them?" only to be met with dead silence. He made a little more fun of us and then he noticed someone with his head down, sleeping, out like a light. My brother and I had been laughing at this for a couple minutes by now. He started riffing on him and the room ate it up. It culminated with a line like "You know how I said was depressed? If you could take a picture of my soul, that's basically what it would look like." It probably got his loudest laughs of the night and as soon as the applause died down I said "There's your closer!" and he replied "That's nice. It's good when some guy is telling me I should just get off the stage." He kept going another minute or two, successfully milking the situation a little more and then said goodnight.



It was a very nice evening of comedy, even if nobody picked on my Expos hat. As far as learning goes, I have now seen a solid progression out of another local comic and been witness to someone who took a bad crowd and turned it around without losing his cool. It was very professional actually.

Tomorrow is another class and I've got a couple jokes that I hope will go over well. Stay tuned for a full report!

And at this point, it's probably worth saying that if there are any loyal readers out there, go on and spread the word. Tell your friends! Let's get that comments section going! Feedback is fun!

And furthermore...

Alright, probably about time to explain what I meant about not digging Joey's methods. We've only had three classes so far and I've only been to two of them, but what we've gone over is very stereotypical sources of finding and creating humour.

The first exercise we had was to make the list. We were told not to be funny, so I tried to stick with a fairly honest and straight forward approach. And now that's the material I'm supposed to draw from to write my first jokes. There's definitely some stuff to work with but when looking over notes I've taken down or topics I've written about in the past, it's not usually about me. When it is about me, it's a long drawn out story, like what I wrote about my knee surgeries. I'd rather talk about something random that I think is funny than something about me which I don't find as funny. Here's a quick sample of topics that I've jotted down because I thought it could go somewhere:

- When Keifer Sutherland was in jail they said he was an exemplary prisoner and never complained about having to wash dirty underwear. In passing, they said he also worked in the kitchen...

- The option to have automatic parallel parking on your Lexus costs $4000. You know what I can do for $4000? Parallel park your car. Whenever you want. Same goes for the $15000 machine in my office that folds papers into envelopes and breaks down every week...

- I think it'd be really fun to give your kid an accent. It'd take dedication, but it'd be totally worth it. I just can't decide between Pirate or Christopher Walken...

- Why is a vest the only piece of clothing that has been successfully bulletproofed? Do we seriously not have the technology for bulletproof sleeves?

- Jesus was the world's first great magician. If he was alive today, he'd probably be some crazy celebrity magician with a cheesy fake name, like Criss Angel or something less obvious... (Uh, I actually have a lot of stuff written about Jesus... moving on...)

These are not exactly the type of things that bother me or are obvious about me or etc, etc. Perhaps this means that I'm more of an observational comic. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm still trying to carve out exactly who I want to be on stage.

The problem I'm running into now is that Joey wants us to stick to the list we wrote. And our rants. And creating a proper setup and punch line. I'm working at it, but it's tough to be inspired when you don't think the material is all that funny to begin with.

On the bright side of all this, you can't learn to run without learning to walk. All of these techniques I'm learning will hopefully form a good base to get comfortable with. Then once I am feeling good, I'll definitely be messing around with the formula we're being taught. I don't especially like following instructions either, so I'm already trying to figure out some kind of "Punchline Jeopardy" where the punchline becomes the setup and, well, you get the idea.

And once I'm through with these topics, they will probably be classified in "Things to avoid". I might even try the same thing over again using 3 not obvious things about me, 10 things I like, am amused by or love and 5 positive characteristics. After all, gotta be yourself.

Week 3

Knowing that I was going to miss the second class, I sent an email to Joey with my assignment. I had a bit of trouble coming up with the list (3 obvious things about you, 10 things you hate, are bothered by or scared of, 5 negative characteristics) because in general I’m a pretty happy and positive guy. Things piss me off all the time, but I can’t really think of them on command. I was also expecting a reply from Joey with the assignment for week three. Alas, there was none. No reply, that is.

The first week I didn’t know what to expect, but that was okay, because we were all in the same boat. This time, I took my seat just as Joey started talking. “So, did anyone have trouble with their assignment this week?” he said. A few people said they weren’t sure if they did it right and one guy said he accidentally erased it. Hmmm… erased it? “Well, you should all have your six rants in front of you. Choose your three favourites and let’s hear ‘em.” Uh oh. I raised my hand and asked exactly what the assignment was, since I missed last week. “Just take three topics from the list you made and write a rant about each one. Avoid obvious characteristics like ‘Lazy’ and ‘Procrastination’, pick a few that are unique only to you. We’ll give you some time, just go when you’re ready.” Well, being lazy and procrastinating were definitely on my list of negative characteristics.

So while other people took the stage and read or ranted, I was trying to figure out what to do. I could barely remember the list I emailed over a week earlier. I never even put it to paper. Not to mention, it was much more fun listening to everyone else.

Other people’s rants were pretty varied. According to the instructions given, you shouldn’t try too hard to be funny. Just write or record what comes to mind on your subject. Apparently the twist was that Joey didn’t tell people they’d be sharing their thoughts. The guy who ‘erased’ his only rant had recorded it without writing it down and was ill prepared to perform it for an audience. He mostly rambled on about how he always gets angry or cries when an animal dies in a movie. Old Yeller was prominently involved.

From what I could tell, everyone fell into one of three categories: The Ramblers, The Train Of Thoughts and The Trying To Be Funny’s. The difference between the train of thoughts and the ramblers was that the TOT’s rants were pretty well constructed while the ramblers were all over the place, often veering in and out of the subject. And then there were the people clearly trying to get laughs. I can’t say I blame them, given what we’re all trying to do, but a couple might have learned a lesson or two when they paused for laughs and didn’t get any. Of course, there were a handful of people who were genuinely funny and had a few solid jokes already written in.

Some of the better rants were about rain (from a mailman), the green and red underlines in Microsoft Word, fear of your own mother, car flags for sports teams (Montreal Canadiens car flags are EVERYWHERE here), and Bluetooth headsets. More than a few of rants I didn't like started with “my apologies to the ladies, but…” As well as the person who said “I will not apologize to the ladies, but…” and then went on with the filthiest, most offensive rant of the night. Not the good kind. And he was one of the people who has been doing stand-up for a little while. I understand why he’s taking the class.

With about five or six people to go and not wanting to go last, I took the stage with two pretty rough rants.

“Hey, I’ve been trying to write and listen to you guys at the same time and it’s damn near impossible, so I’ve only got two quick rants for everyone.

I’m hairy. Really hairy. Head to toe, front to back, it’s connected. [motioning to my neck] I call this here a natural turtleneck. In Sex Ed class, when they told us that we’d grow hair where there was no hair before… that was eerily correct in my case. I also would have liked to have been warned about nipple hairs. Those were the first ones to grow in and they grow back if you pull them out. The rest of my body filled out like a patchy beard. Symmetry was a foreign concept to my hormones. Girls have told me they want to get my shirt off, just to wax me. Probably just to hear me scream. I’ve thought of waxing, but I wouldn’t know where to start or where it’d end.

I really, really hate that the Expos are gone. It’s spring, the snow is melting and I should be convincing myself that the Expos are finally going to win the World Series, until a month from now when they’re eliminated from playoff contention. This city has the worst sports fans in the world. They only show up when a team is doing well and it’s “cool” to be a fan, or when it’s $1 hot dog night. It got so bad with the Expos that they even hired a friend of mine to be their Video Guy. And they provided him with a satellite dish to tape games. But one day he didn’t get a channel their game was on. I got it. With regular cable. The Expos satellite didn’t. So he asked if I could tape the game. I told him only if I had the express written consent of Major League Baseball. I taped it, but never did get the written consent. Nowadays, I can’t help but think… if only the Expos sold some car flags, maybe they’d still be around today.”

I got a few solid laughs, especially at the end, since I brought back someone else’s rant. I thought that was a pretty smooth move, if I do say so myself. Always bring it back. There were probably more laughs for the Expos rant, and some enthusiastic clapping and cheering when I brought up the subject. After I sat back down, someone came over and gave me a hug. The hair rant didn’t go over so well with the guys, but the few girls in the class seemed to dig it. Call me, ladies. I didn’t have too many awkward pauses either, just a couple times when I had to look down at my notes. There were a lot of people who read too, so I tried to keep my head up and look at the crowd. All in all, I thought I did alright, especially on short notice.

The next assignment is to write out our rants and circle the places we got laughs or think we’d get laughs. We’ll use those as punchlines. Then we have to write a setup that lasts no more than 30 seconds. After this class, it started becoming clearer to me that I don’t think I’m jiving with the whole process Joey’s teaching us. I’m enjoying it and definitely learning from it, but I’ll get more into this next time. I’m writing at work now and my lunch break is almost over.

There’s no class on the 22nd, since Joey’s out of town, which is both good and bad news. The St-Patrick’s Day Parade is this Sunday, so that means drinking on the street all day with thousands of people dressed in green. The good news is I can now get as drunk as I want. The bad news is I was really looking forward to showing up drunk. I know I can do that any Sunday, but it’s just not the same.

Happy St-Patrick's Day!

Alright, I know I haven't been posting much lately, but I've been ridiculously busy with regular life. I really haven't had much free time outside of work and extra-curricular activities. I haven't even sat on my couch and watched a half hour episode of television in over a week. Well over a week, I think. It's a damned travesty. I don't even know who's on American Idol anymore.

But rest assured, Week 3 of the Comedy Course did happen, and there's some good stuff in it. Improvised ranting was involved. I will write about it soon, by Friday at the latest. However, it's St-Patrick's Day and I've been drinking for almost 8 hours and I just got home and I'm tired and the Habs lost because Carey Price is afraid of the puck and I have to be at work in less than 6 hours... so, I'm going to leave you with a good clip of my favourite comedian ever according to my spontaneous answer a couple weeks ago, Norm Macdonald. It's not stand-up, but it's something I think we can all appreciate.

No Week 2

No, I haven't quit already. I was just out of town this past weekend so I couldn't make it to comedy class. However, it was very worth it. I went to Toronto and attended a couple World Baseball Classic games and saw the Raptors lose to the Jazz.

The best part of the Raptors game was how they choked away a 6 point lead after the 3rd quarter. The crowd kept booing them as they missed shot after shot, but if they scored 100 points, everyone at the game gets a free slice of pizza the next day at Pizza Pizza. With 3 minutes left they had 97 points. With 1 minute left they had 99 points. They missed about 10 shots in the last minute and the crowd was hungrily booing their team. Then with the final seconds ticking off the clock Anthony Parker dunked it and the place exploded. Buzzer sounds. Final score: Jazz 109 - Raptors 101. I love Toronto fans.

More importantly, I also got to hang out with my best friends, several of whom no longer live in Montreal. I may become the first comedian to only tell inside jokes. I have enough material for a 3 hour routine.

Jesse G's Guide to Healthy Living, Vol. 1

The lesson: Surgery is bad.

By the age of 25, I had surgery on both of my knees. As far as I know, I don't have some sort of crippling disease. But I do have terrible luck and knees made out of an impressive combination of styrofoam and toothpicks. Maybe a pipe cleaner or two for reinforcement. My knees have the structural integrity of whatever kindergarteners make in arts and crafts, but without the googly eyes.

The first such instance of knee dysfunction came when I was 16. I was playing basketball in my friends driveway when I simply bent over to pick up the ball and inexplicably tore up cartilage in my left knee. I might as well have broken my collarbone opening a jar of pickles. My friends laughed at me, told me to quit being a baby and someone whipped the basketball at my crotch. Let me tell you, a basketball to the crotch does not distract from the pain of a torn meniscus. It only adds different layers of pain. Provides a certain depth. And do I detect a hint of nausea in there as well? Ahhhh... yes, I do.

I had surgery a few months later. By this time I was 17, had a goatee and was a fully grown man, despite being treated at the Children's Hospital. To prove my manhood, I asked the nurse what would happen if I tried to stay awake after she put on the gas mask. She smiled and told me to give it a shot, she'll start a conversation and see how long I could go. Oh yes, I was going to impress this female nurse by showing off my tolerance for anesthetics. Until about 10 seconds in when she started talking like the teacher on Charlie Brown. My last clear thought was getting angry at her for talking like that.

When I woke up I was cold and shaking. Have you ever woken up cold and shaking? And with your leg swollen and propped up? And people were also trying to stop me from shaking so they could put me back on IV, you know, because I shook the needle out of my arm while I was unconscious. I think it would have been less of a shock to my body if they threw me in a tub of water and dropped a toaster in. By the time it was all sorted out, I had the IV needle sticking out of my elbow pit, if that's what you'd call it. I've never heard the term "elbow pit" before, but I really wouldn't know what else to call it. They taped a board to my arm so I couldn't bend it and mess up the IV. So there I was, with the entire left side of my body completely paralyzed. All I was missing was the smell of burnt toast.

After warming up, I was very thirsty. I asked the nurse for a glass of water. She must have misheard me, because she came back with a shot no bigger than a bottle cap. I downed it and asked for another. And she brought me another. And I asked for another. She said that most people are nauseous after surgery and can't hold down foods or liquids. I explained to her that I wasn't a little kid, I was a 17 year old man with a beard. So she brought me a half full glass of apple juice and said if I keep it down she'll give me more later.

Next my dad walked in to visit. I was telling him about all the gas mask and stuff. "Yeah, I tried to fight it and then she started talking all funny. Like the teacher from Charlie Br-AAAAGGGHHH... oh no..." Now remember, I couldn't move. I threw up about half a pint of watered down apple juice all over my chest and bed sheets. My dad started screaming for a nurse as if I'd gone into convulsions.

Dad: "Nurse! NURSE! Somebody help! GET A DOCTOR!"
Jesse: "No, no! No, Dad, please! Not the nurse! I'm fine..."

But it was too late. I got a very nice 'Told ya so' from the nurse while she changed my pukey bedsheets and explained to my dad that I was only sick because I had too much to drink. She never did admit to poisoning the apple juice. The rest of the night at the hospital was quite nice.

Jesse: [waking up in the middle of the night] "hhmmm... wha?"
Nurse: "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you. How are you feeling?"
Jesse: [taking a second to ponder] "uhhh... I feel good actually. Yeah. very good."
Nurse: "You should. I just gave you some morphine."

The fun didn't end there though. When I got home the next day, I finally got to change clothes and take a shower. It was then that I discovered a perfect rectangle shaved into my thigh. On my good leg. It didn't bother me all that much, but it's a little peculiar, isn't it? The next time I saw the doctor I asked him about it.

Doctor: "Oh yes. The nurses do that sometimes."
Jesse: "Okay. Why?"
Doctor: "Just standard procedure."

Bullshit. I bet those nurses get together every night and tell each other what ridiculous things they did to their patients.

Nurse 1: "While some kid was sleeping I shaved a patch of his leg. Then I poisoned his apple juice and made him throw up in front of his father!"
Nurse 2: "I gave some little girl sugar pills and told her it was real medicine!"
Nurse 3: "I cut off some boy's nipple and re-attached it two inches higher. I win!"
All of them: "Nurse high five!"

When my second knee surgery came around, I thought I was ready for anything. I'm gonna be cold, shaking, shaved and throwing up. Got it. Cool. I didn't even fight the gas mask this time. In fact, I woke up quite peacefully. After looking around a bit I started taking inventory of my senses. Can I move my hands and fingers? Check. Feet and toes? Hmmm... the left foot is still pretty frozen, I'll give it some time. So I guessed my body slowly thawed out from the anesthesia, from the extremities in. A while later I started poking around a bit more. Chest, stomach and ribs were all good. Heh, my ass is still a bit- HOLY CRAP! I CAN'T FEEL MY PENIS!

I gave it a good yank and it might as well have been someone else's. I was still completely frozen from my waist to upper thighs. Quite alarming. Unfortunately, I had no other choice but to wait patiently to feel again. And then all of a sudden I had to go pee really badly. But I was still numb in the crotch, so I waited. And kept waiting. And waited until I could not possibly hold it in any longer and asked a nurse if I could go to the bathroom. After struggling with the crutches I hobbled over to the bathroom and sat down because I couldn't stand. And... nothing.

I couldn't pee. I had to go as bad as I've ever had to go in my entire life and I couldn't even force myself to. I just sat there for ten minutes, talking to my frozen dick, hoping for something to happen. The nurse eventually came by to check on me.

Nurse: "Is everything okay? Do you need any-"
Jesse: "YES! NO! I mean, I'm fine! No help!"

Eventually I had to give up. It was the least satisfying experience of my life. Ladies, if sleeping with a guy who can't finish the job is ANYTHING like that, my sincerest condolences. I'd be homicidal if that ever happened to me again, let alone regularly.

My lovely girlfriend picked me up from the hospital. She helped me into the car and asked how everything went.

Jesse: "I can't feel my penis and I have to pee worse than I ever have in my entire life but I can't. I think I'm going to die."
Jen: "WHAT? And they let you leave?"
Jesse: "Oh, they don't know. I didn't tell them."
Jen: "Why didn't you tell them?!? What the hell's wrong with you? I'm taking you back."
Jesse: "No, no, no! Look, we're closer to home now and I think I might pee my pants any minute. I am NOT going back there after pissing my pants. Actually, I might be going right now. [checks] Nope. We're all good."
Jen: [sighs] "Fine, but if you don't go as soon as you get home I'm making you wear diapers tonight."

Luckily, soon after I got home I regained partial control of my bladder and broke some kind of record for Longest Low-Pressure Piss.