I hadn't been out to see a show since I've started taking the class and last night I didn't have any plans, so at the last minute I decided to head down to Comedyworks for the 11 PM show. My brother joined me, which was good news for the comics, since when we're together we laugh at pretty much everything, no matter how inappropriate.
When we got there and headed up to the room, the guy at the door sat us right in front because I was wearing my Expos hat. He thought that would be an excellent topic of conversation and good for a few jokes. Oh, Montreal Expos... never taken seriously, even in death.
I honestly didn't catch the MC's name, something like Ron Beaudry, but that's not right. (Edited 5/7/09: His name was Ron Vaudry. I saw him headlining the same place about a week ago) He was decent, but the crowd really wasn't into him. Even the people he was chatting up didn't appreciate him making fun of them. Get with the program people.
The first act was Christophe Davidson. I'd actually seen him MC twice at another club and had basically heard his entire set before. He's started getting weekend gigs so I assume he's climbing the local ladder. Personally, it was interesting to see him six or seven months later performing the same material, but clearly better. Looked more comfortable on state, the timing was a little tighter, added some good lines to a few jokes. Proof that practice does make perfect, which was comforting to see. It's good to know that if I suck right away there is hope.
Number two was Ali Hassan. He had a pretty high energy set and was very funny. Probably got the most laughs out of the audience than anybody on stage. One of my favourite jokes of the night was his about vegetarians. I'll do my best here, but it's not word for word and I'm sure some humour will be lost: "Vegetarianism is fine, I don't like it but cool, whatever. I just hate all those people who say they're vegetarian but eat fish and chicken. No! That's not vegetarian! That's like saying you're a heterosexual and you only like vagina... but yeah... you'll also have some cock."
Sadly, I can't seem to find any Ali Hassan on YouTube. There's a Indian comedian by the same name with tonnes of stuff on there, don't be fooled by imitations!
The headliner of the evening was Joe DeRosa. I know I've seen him before but I couldn't think of where, probably a Comedy Network special or something. Now, I'm not sure what happened, but the audience did not respond to a lot of his jokes. Maybe it was because it was past midnight, maybe he was just a little too angry, maybe it was because he had a bit centered around yelling out "Fuck Jesus!" but whatever the case at least half the people there were not very amused by him. Sitting front and center was a couple, and the girl was not only not laughing, but looked upset at her boyfriend for the first 5 minutes of the set. Like she was personally insulted by Joe before he even got started and by her boyfriend for bringing her there. Towards the end of his set, he started heckling the crowd. Then it just became open contempt for the room. But in a good way, he wasn't ruffled at all, he was rolling with it. About ten of us were loving it and cracking up, myself and my brother included.
And then, the coup de grace. While he was openly admitting to us that he was searching for a closer he said "I get depressed. Anyone else here get depressed? That happen to them?" only to be met with dead silence. He made a little more fun of us and then he noticed someone with his head down, sleeping, out like a light. My brother and I had been laughing at this for a couple minutes by now. He started riffing on him and the room ate it up. It culminated with a line like "You know how I said was depressed? If you could take a picture of my soul, that's basically what it would look like." It probably got his loudest laughs of the night and as soon as the applause died down I said "There's your closer!" and he replied "That's nice. It's good when some guy is telling me I should just get off the stage." He kept going another minute or two, successfully milking the situation a little more and then said goodnight.
It was a very nice evening of comedy, even if nobody picked on my Expos hat. As far as learning goes, I have now seen a solid progression out of another local comic and been witness to someone who took a bad crowd and turned it around without losing his cool. It was very professional actually.
Tomorrow is another class and I've got a couple jokes that I hope will go over well. Stay tuned for a full report!
And at this point, it's probably worth saying that if there are any loyal readers out there, go on and spread the word. Tell your friends! Let's get that comments section going! Feedback is fun!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
And furthermore...
Alright, probably about time to explain what I meant about not digging Joey's methods. We've only had three classes so far and I've only been to two of them, but what we've gone over is very stereotypical sources of finding and creating humour.
The first exercise we had was to make the list. We were told not to be funny, so I tried to stick with a fairly honest and straight forward approach. And now that's the material I'm supposed to draw from to write my first jokes. There's definitely some stuff to work with but when looking over notes I've taken down or topics I've written about in the past, it's not usually about me. When it is about me, it's a long drawn out story, like what I wrote about my knee surgeries. I'd rather talk about something random that I think is funny than something about me which I don't find as funny. Here's a quick sample of topics that I've jotted down because I thought it could go somewhere:
- When Keifer Sutherland was in jail they said he was an exemplary prisoner and never complained about having to wash dirty underwear. In passing, they said he also worked in the kitchen...
- The option to have automatic parallel parking on your Lexus costs $4000. You know what I can do for $4000? Parallel park your car. Whenever you want. Same goes for the $15000 machine in my office that folds papers into envelopes and breaks down every week...
- I think it'd be really fun to give your kid an accent. It'd take dedication, but it'd be totally worth it. I just can't decide between Pirate or Christopher Walken...
- Why is a vest the only piece of clothing that has been successfully bulletproofed? Do we seriously not have the technology for bulletproof sleeves?
- Jesus was the world's first great magician. If he was alive today, he'd probably be some crazy celebrity magician with a cheesy fake name, like Criss Angel or something less obvious... (Uh, I actually have a lot of stuff written about Jesus... moving on...)
These are not exactly the type of things that bother me or are obvious about me or etc, etc. Perhaps this means that I'm more of an observational comic. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm still trying to carve out exactly who I want to be on stage.
The problem I'm running into now is that Joey wants us to stick to the list we wrote. And our rants. And creating a proper setup and punch line. I'm working at it, but it's tough to be inspired when you don't think the material is all that funny to begin with.
On the bright side of all this, you can't learn to run without learning to walk. All of these techniques I'm learning will hopefully form a good base to get comfortable with. Then once I am feeling good, I'll definitely be messing around with the formula we're being taught. I don't especially like following instructions either, so I'm already trying to figure out some kind of "Punchline Jeopardy" where the punchline becomes the setup and, well, you get the idea.
And once I'm through with these topics, they will probably be classified in "Things to avoid". I might even try the same thing over again using 3 not obvious things about me, 10 things I like, am amused by or love and 5 positive characteristics. After all, gotta be yourself.
The first exercise we had was to make the list. We were told not to be funny, so I tried to stick with a fairly honest and straight forward approach. And now that's the material I'm supposed to draw from to write my first jokes. There's definitely some stuff to work with but when looking over notes I've taken down or topics I've written about in the past, it's not usually about me. When it is about me, it's a long drawn out story, like what I wrote about my knee surgeries. I'd rather talk about something random that I think is funny than something about me which I don't find as funny. Here's a quick sample of topics that I've jotted down because I thought it could go somewhere:
- When Keifer Sutherland was in jail they said he was an exemplary prisoner and never complained about having to wash dirty underwear. In passing, they said he also worked in the kitchen...
- The option to have automatic parallel parking on your Lexus costs $4000. You know what I can do for $4000? Parallel park your car. Whenever you want. Same goes for the $15000 machine in my office that folds papers into envelopes and breaks down every week...
- I think it'd be really fun to give your kid an accent. It'd take dedication, but it'd be totally worth it. I just can't decide between Pirate or Christopher Walken...
- Why is a vest the only piece of clothing that has been successfully bulletproofed? Do we seriously not have the technology for bulletproof sleeves?
- Jesus was the world's first great magician. If he was alive today, he'd probably be some crazy celebrity magician with a cheesy fake name, like Criss Angel or something less obvious... (Uh, I actually have a lot of stuff written about Jesus... moving on...)
These are not exactly the type of things that bother me or are obvious about me or etc, etc. Perhaps this means that I'm more of an observational comic. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm still trying to carve out exactly who I want to be on stage.
The problem I'm running into now is that Joey wants us to stick to the list we wrote. And our rants. And creating a proper setup and punch line. I'm working at it, but it's tough to be inspired when you don't think the material is all that funny to begin with.
On the bright side of all this, you can't learn to run without learning to walk. All of these techniques I'm learning will hopefully form a good base to get comfortable with. Then once I am feeling good, I'll definitely be messing around with the formula we're being taught. I don't especially like following instructions either, so I'm already trying to figure out some kind of "Punchline Jeopardy" where the punchline becomes the setup and, well, you get the idea.
And once I'm through with these topics, they will probably be classified in "Things to avoid". I might even try the same thing over again using 3 not obvious things about me, 10 things I like, am amused by or love and 5 positive characteristics. After all, gotta be yourself.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Week 3
Knowing that I was going to miss the second class, I sent an email to Joey with my assignment. I had a bit of trouble coming up with the list (3 obvious things about you, 10 things you hate, are bothered by or scared of, 5 negative characteristics) because in general I’m a pretty happy and positive guy. Things piss me off all the time, but I can’t really think of them on command. I was also expecting a reply from Joey with the assignment for week three. Alas, there was none. No reply, that is.
The first week I didn’t know what to expect, but that was okay, because we were all in the same boat. This time, I took my seat just as Joey started talking. “So, did anyone have trouble with their assignment this week?” he said. A few people said they weren’t sure if they did it right and one guy said he accidentally erased it. Hmmm… erased it? “Well, you should all have your six rants in front of you. Choose your three favourites and let’s hear ‘em.” Uh oh. I raised my hand and asked exactly what the assignment was, since I missed last week. “Just take three topics from the list you made and write a rant about each one. Avoid obvious characteristics like ‘Lazy’ and ‘Procrastination’, pick a few that are unique only to you. We’ll give you some time, just go when you’re ready.” Well, being lazy and procrastinating were definitely on my list of negative characteristics.
So while other people took the stage and read or ranted, I was trying to figure out what to do. I could barely remember the list I emailed over a week earlier. I never even put it to paper. Not to mention, it was much more fun listening to everyone else.
Other people’s rants were pretty varied. According to the instructions given, you shouldn’t try too hard to be funny. Just write or record what comes to mind on your subject. Apparently the twist was that Joey didn’t tell people they’d be sharing their thoughts. The guy who ‘erased’ his only rant had recorded it without writing it down and was ill prepared to perform it for an audience. He mostly rambled on about how he always gets angry or cries when an animal dies in a movie. Old Yeller was prominently involved.
From what I could tell, everyone fell into one of three categories: The Ramblers, The Train Of Thoughts and The Trying To Be Funny’s. The difference between the train of thoughts and the ramblers was that the TOT’s rants were pretty well constructed while the ramblers were all over the place, often veering in and out of the subject. And then there were the people clearly trying to get laughs. I can’t say I blame them, given what we’re all trying to do, but a couple might have learned a lesson or two when they paused for laughs and didn’t get any. Of course, there were a handful of people who were genuinely funny and had a few solid jokes already written in.
Some of the better rants were about rain (from a mailman), the green and red underlines in Microsoft Word, fear of your own mother, car flags for sports teams (Montreal Canadiens car flags are EVERYWHERE here), and Bluetooth headsets. More than a few of rants I didn't like started with “my apologies to the ladies, but…” As well as the person who said “I will not apologize to the ladies, but…” and then went on with the filthiest, most offensive rant of the night. Not the good kind. And he was one of the people who has been doing stand-up for a little while. I understand why he’s taking the class.
With about five or six people to go and not wanting to go last, I took the stage with two pretty rough rants.
“Hey, I’ve been trying to write and listen to you guys at the same time and it’s damn near impossible, so I’ve only got two quick rants for everyone.
I’m hairy. Really hairy. Head to toe, front to back, it’s connected. [motioning to my neck] I call this here a natural turtleneck. In Sex Ed class, when they told us that we’d grow hair where there was no hair before… that was eerily correct in my case. I also would have liked to have been warned about nipple hairs. Those were the first ones to grow in and they grow back if you pull them out. The rest of my body filled out like a patchy beard. Symmetry was a foreign concept to my hormones. Girls have told me they want to get my shirt off, just to wax me. Probably just to hear me scream. I’ve thought of waxing, but I wouldn’t know where to start or where it’d end.
I really, really hate that the Expos are gone. It’s spring, the snow is melting and I should be convincing myself that the Expos are finally going to win the World Series, until a month from now when they’re eliminated from playoff contention. This city has the worst sports fans in the world. They only show up when a team is doing well and it’s “cool” to be a fan, or when it’s $1 hot dog night. It got so bad with the Expos that they even hired a friend of mine to be their Video Guy. And they provided him with a satellite dish to tape games. But one day he didn’t get a channel their game was on. I got it. With regular cable. The Expos satellite didn’t. So he asked if I could tape the game. I told him only if I had the express written consent of Major League Baseball. I taped it, but never did get the written consent. Nowadays, I can’t help but think… if only the Expos sold some car flags, maybe they’d still be around today.”
I got a few solid laughs, especially at the end, since I brought back someone else’s rant. I thought that was a pretty smooth move, if I do say so myself. Always bring it back. There were probably more laughs for the Expos rant, and some enthusiastic clapping and cheering when I brought up the subject. After I sat back down, someone came over and gave me a hug. The hair rant didn’t go over so well with the guys, but the few girls in the class seemed to dig it. Call me, ladies. I didn’t have too many awkward pauses either, just a couple times when I had to look down at my notes. There were a lot of people who read too, so I tried to keep my head up and look at the crowd. All in all, I thought I did alright, especially on short notice.
The next assignment is to write out our rants and circle the places we got laughs or think we’d get laughs. We’ll use those as punchlines. Then we have to write a setup that lasts no more than 30 seconds. After this class, it started becoming clearer to me that I don’t think I’m jiving with the whole process Joey’s teaching us. I’m enjoying it and definitely learning from it, but I’ll get more into this next time. I’m writing at work now and my lunch break is almost over.
There’s no class on the 22nd, since Joey’s out of town, which is both good and bad news. The St-Patrick’s Day Parade is this Sunday, so that means drinking on the street all day with thousands of people dressed in green. The good news is I can now get as drunk as I want. The bad news is I was really looking forward to showing up drunk. I know I can do that any Sunday, but it’s just not the same.
The first week I didn’t know what to expect, but that was okay, because we were all in the same boat. This time, I took my seat just as Joey started talking. “So, did anyone have trouble with their assignment this week?” he said. A few people said they weren’t sure if they did it right and one guy said he accidentally erased it. Hmmm… erased it? “Well, you should all have your six rants in front of you. Choose your three favourites and let’s hear ‘em.” Uh oh. I raised my hand and asked exactly what the assignment was, since I missed last week. “Just take three topics from the list you made and write a rant about each one. Avoid obvious characteristics like ‘Lazy’ and ‘Procrastination’, pick a few that are unique only to you. We’ll give you some time, just go when you’re ready.” Well, being lazy and procrastinating were definitely on my list of negative characteristics.
So while other people took the stage and read or ranted, I was trying to figure out what to do. I could barely remember the list I emailed over a week earlier. I never even put it to paper. Not to mention, it was much more fun listening to everyone else.
Other people’s rants were pretty varied. According to the instructions given, you shouldn’t try too hard to be funny. Just write or record what comes to mind on your subject. Apparently the twist was that Joey didn’t tell people they’d be sharing their thoughts. The guy who ‘erased’ his only rant had recorded it without writing it down and was ill prepared to perform it for an audience. He mostly rambled on about how he always gets angry or cries when an animal dies in a movie. Old Yeller was prominently involved.
From what I could tell, everyone fell into one of three categories: The Ramblers, The Train Of Thoughts and The Trying To Be Funny’s. The difference between the train of thoughts and the ramblers was that the TOT’s rants were pretty well constructed while the ramblers were all over the place, often veering in and out of the subject. And then there were the people clearly trying to get laughs. I can’t say I blame them, given what we’re all trying to do, but a couple might have learned a lesson or two when they paused for laughs and didn’t get any. Of course, there were a handful of people who were genuinely funny and had a few solid jokes already written in.
Some of the better rants were about rain (from a mailman), the green and red underlines in Microsoft Word, fear of your own mother, car flags for sports teams (Montreal Canadiens car flags are EVERYWHERE here), and Bluetooth headsets. More than a few of rants I didn't like started with “my apologies to the ladies, but…” As well as the person who said “I will not apologize to the ladies, but…” and then went on with the filthiest, most offensive rant of the night. Not the good kind. And he was one of the people who has been doing stand-up for a little while. I understand why he’s taking the class.
With about five or six people to go and not wanting to go last, I took the stage with two pretty rough rants.
“Hey, I’ve been trying to write and listen to you guys at the same time and it’s damn near impossible, so I’ve only got two quick rants for everyone.
I’m hairy. Really hairy. Head to toe, front to back, it’s connected. [motioning to my neck] I call this here a natural turtleneck. In Sex Ed class, when they told us that we’d grow hair where there was no hair before… that was eerily correct in my case. I also would have liked to have been warned about nipple hairs. Those were the first ones to grow in and they grow back if you pull them out. The rest of my body filled out like a patchy beard. Symmetry was a foreign concept to my hormones. Girls have told me they want to get my shirt off, just to wax me. Probably just to hear me scream. I’ve thought of waxing, but I wouldn’t know where to start or where it’d end.
I really, really hate that the Expos are gone. It’s spring, the snow is melting and I should be convincing myself that the Expos are finally going to win the World Series, until a month from now when they’re eliminated from playoff contention. This city has the worst sports fans in the world. They only show up when a team is doing well and it’s “cool” to be a fan, or when it’s $1 hot dog night. It got so bad with the Expos that they even hired a friend of mine to be their Video Guy. And they provided him with a satellite dish to tape games. But one day he didn’t get a channel their game was on. I got it. With regular cable. The Expos satellite didn’t. So he asked if I could tape the game. I told him only if I had the express written consent of Major League Baseball. I taped it, but never did get the written consent. Nowadays, I can’t help but think… if only the Expos sold some car flags, maybe they’d still be around today.”
I got a few solid laughs, especially at the end, since I brought back someone else’s rant. I thought that was a pretty smooth move, if I do say so myself. Always bring it back. There were probably more laughs for the Expos rant, and some enthusiastic clapping and cheering when I brought up the subject. After I sat back down, someone came over and gave me a hug. The hair rant didn’t go over so well with the guys, but the few girls in the class seemed to dig it. Call me, ladies. I didn’t have too many awkward pauses either, just a couple times when I had to look down at my notes. There were a lot of people who read too, so I tried to keep my head up and look at the crowd. All in all, I thought I did alright, especially on short notice.
The next assignment is to write out our rants and circle the places we got laughs or think we’d get laughs. We’ll use those as punchlines. Then we have to write a setup that lasts no more than 30 seconds. After this class, it started becoming clearer to me that I don’t think I’m jiving with the whole process Joey’s teaching us. I’m enjoying it and definitely learning from it, but I’ll get more into this next time. I’m writing at work now and my lunch break is almost over.
There’s no class on the 22nd, since Joey’s out of town, which is both good and bad news. The St-Patrick’s Day Parade is this Sunday, so that means drinking on the street all day with thousands of people dressed in green. The good news is I can now get as drunk as I want. The bad news is I was really looking forward to showing up drunk. I know I can do that any Sunday, but it’s just not the same.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Happy St-Patrick's Day!
Alright, I know I haven't been posting much lately, but I've been ridiculously busy with regular life. I really haven't had much free time outside of work and extra-curricular activities. I haven't even sat on my couch and watched a half hour episode of television in over a week. Well over a week, I think. It's a damned travesty. I don't even know who's on American Idol anymore.
But rest assured, Week 3 of the Comedy Course did happen, and there's some good stuff in it. Improvised ranting was involved. I will write about it soon, by Friday at the latest. However, it's St-Patrick's Day and I've been drinking for almost 8 hours and I just got home and I'm tired and the Habs lost because Carey Price is afraid of the puck and I have to be at work in less than 6 hours... so, I'm going to leave you with a good clip of my favourite comedian ever according to my spontaneous answer a couple weeks ago, Norm Macdonald. It's not stand-up, but it's something I think we can all appreciate.
But rest assured, Week 3 of the Comedy Course did happen, and there's some good stuff in it. Improvised ranting was involved. I will write about it soon, by Friday at the latest. However, it's St-Patrick's Day and I've been drinking for almost 8 hours and I just got home and I'm tired and the Habs lost because Carey Price is afraid of the puck and I have to be at work in less than 6 hours... so, I'm going to leave you with a good clip of my favourite comedian ever according to my spontaneous answer a couple weeks ago, Norm Macdonald. It's not stand-up, but it's something I think we can all appreciate.
Monday, March 9, 2009
No Week 2
No, I haven't quit already. I was just out of town this past weekend so I couldn't make it to comedy class. However, it was very worth it. I went to Toronto and attended a couple World Baseball Classic games and saw the Raptors lose to the Jazz.
The best part of the Raptors game was how they choked away a 6 point lead after the 3rd quarter. The crowd kept booing them as they missed shot after shot, but if they scored 100 points, everyone at the game gets a free slice of pizza the next day at Pizza Pizza. With 3 minutes left they had 97 points. With 1 minute left they had 99 points. They missed about 10 shots in the last minute and the crowd was hungrily booing their team. Then with the final seconds ticking off the clock Anthony Parker dunked it and the place exploded. Buzzer sounds. Final score: Jazz 109 - Raptors 101. I love Toronto fans.
More importantly, I also got to hang out with my best friends, several of whom no longer live in Montreal. I may become the first comedian to only tell inside jokes. I have enough material for a 3 hour routine.
The best part of the Raptors game was how they choked away a 6 point lead after the 3rd quarter. The crowd kept booing them as they missed shot after shot, but if they scored 100 points, everyone at the game gets a free slice of pizza the next day at Pizza Pizza. With 3 minutes left they had 97 points. With 1 minute left they had 99 points. They missed about 10 shots in the last minute and the crowd was hungrily booing their team. Then with the final seconds ticking off the clock Anthony Parker dunked it and the place exploded. Buzzer sounds. Final score: Jazz 109 - Raptors 101. I love Toronto fans.
More importantly, I also got to hang out with my best friends, several of whom no longer live in Montreal. I may become the first comedian to only tell inside jokes. I have enough material for a 3 hour routine.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Jesse G's Guide to Healthy Living, Vol. 1
The lesson: Surgery is bad.
By the age of 25, I had surgery on both of my knees. As far as I know, I don't have some sort of crippling disease. But I do have terrible luck and knees made out of an impressive combination of styrofoam and toothpicks. Maybe a pipe cleaner or two for reinforcement. My knees have the structural integrity of whatever kindergarteners make in arts and crafts, but without the googly eyes.
The first such instance of knee dysfunction came when I was 16. I was playing basketball in my friends driveway when I simply bent over to pick up the ball and inexplicably tore up cartilage in my left knee. I might as well have broken my collarbone opening a jar of pickles. My friends laughed at me, told me to quit being a baby and someone whipped the basketball at my crotch. Let me tell you, a basketball to the crotch does not distract from the pain of a torn meniscus. It only adds different layers of pain. Provides a certain depth. And do I detect a hint of nausea in there as well? Ahhhh... yes, I do.
I had surgery a few months later. By this time I was 17, had a goatee and was a fully grown man, despite being treated at the Children's Hospital. To prove my manhood, I asked the nurse what would happen if I tried to stay awake after she put on the gas mask. She smiled and told me to give it a shot, she'll start a conversation and see how long I could go. Oh yes, I was going to impress this female nurse by showing off my tolerance for anesthetics. Until about 10 seconds in when she started talking like the teacher on Charlie Brown. My last clear thought was getting angry at her for talking like that.
When I woke up I was cold and shaking. Have you ever woken up cold and shaking? And with your leg swollen and propped up? And people were also trying to stop me from shaking so they could put me back on IV, you know, because I shook the needle out of my arm while I was unconscious. I think it would have been less of a shock to my body if they threw me in a tub of water and dropped a toaster in. By the time it was all sorted out, I had the IV needle sticking out of my elbow pit, if that's what you'd call it. I've never heard the term "elbow pit" before, but I really wouldn't know what else to call it. They taped a board to my arm so I couldn't bend it and mess up the IV. So there I was, with the entire left side of my body completely paralyzed. All I was missing was the smell of burnt toast.
After warming up, I was very thirsty. I asked the nurse for a glass of water. She must have misheard me, because she came back with a shot no bigger than a bottle cap. I downed it and asked for another. And she brought me another. And I asked for another. She said that most people are nauseous after surgery and can't hold down foods or liquids. I explained to her that I wasn't a little kid, I was a 17 year old man with a beard. So she brought me a half full glass of apple juice and said if I keep it down she'll give me more later.
Next my dad walked in to visit. I was telling him about all the gas mask and stuff. "Yeah, I tried to fight it and then she started talking all funny. Like the teacher from Charlie Br-AAAAGGGHHH... oh no..." Now remember, I couldn't move. I threw up about half a pint of watered down apple juice all over my chest and bed sheets. My dad started screaming for a nurse as if I'd gone into convulsions.
Dad: "Nurse! NURSE! Somebody help! GET A DOCTOR!"
Jesse: "No, no! No, Dad, please! Not the nurse! I'm fine..."
But it was too late. I got a very nice 'Told ya so' from the nurse while she changed my pukey bedsheets and explained to my dad that I was only sick because I had too much to drink. She never did admit to poisoning the apple juice. The rest of the night at the hospital was quite nice.
Jesse: [waking up in the middle of the night] "hhmmm... wha?"
Nurse: "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you. How are you feeling?"
Jesse: [taking a second to ponder] "uhhh... I feel good actually. Yeah. very good."
Nurse: "You should. I just gave you some morphine."
The fun didn't end there though. When I got home the next day, I finally got to change clothes and take a shower. It was then that I discovered a perfect rectangle shaved into my thigh. On my good leg. It didn't bother me all that much, but it's a little peculiar, isn't it? The next time I saw the doctor I asked him about it.
Doctor: "Oh yes. The nurses do that sometimes."
Jesse: "Okay. Why?"
Doctor: "Just standard procedure."
Bullshit. I bet those nurses get together every night and tell each other what ridiculous things they did to their patients.
Nurse 1: "While some kid was sleeping I shaved a patch of his leg. Then I poisoned his apple juice and made him throw up in front of his father!"
Nurse 2: "I gave some little girl sugar pills and told her it was real medicine!"
Nurse 3: "I cut off some boy's nipple and re-attached it two inches higher. I win!"
All of them: "Nurse high five!"
When my second knee surgery came around, I thought I was ready for anything. I'm gonna be cold, shaking, shaved and throwing up. Got it. Cool. I didn't even fight the gas mask this time. In fact, I woke up quite peacefully. After looking around a bit I started taking inventory of my senses. Can I move my hands and fingers? Check. Feet and toes? Hmmm... the left foot is still pretty frozen, I'll give it some time. So I guessed my body slowly thawed out from the anesthesia, from the extremities in. A while later I started poking around a bit more. Chest, stomach and ribs were all good. Heh, my ass is still a bit- HOLY CRAP! I CAN'T FEEL MY PENIS!
I gave it a good yank and it might as well have been someone else's. I was still completely frozen from my waist to upper thighs. Quite alarming. Unfortunately, I had no other choice but to wait patiently to feel again. And then all of a sudden I had to go pee really badly. But I was still numb in the crotch, so I waited. And kept waiting. And waited until I could not possibly hold it in any longer and asked a nurse if I could go to the bathroom. After struggling with the crutches I hobbled over to the bathroom and sat down because I couldn't stand. And... nothing.
I couldn't pee. I had to go as bad as I've ever had to go in my entire life and I couldn't even force myself to. I just sat there for ten minutes, talking to my frozen dick, hoping for something to happen. The nurse eventually came by to check on me.
Nurse: "Is everything okay? Do you need any-"
Jesse: "YES! NO! I mean, I'm fine! No help!"
Eventually I had to give up. It was the least satisfying experience of my life. Ladies, if sleeping with a guy who can't finish the job is ANYTHING like that, my sincerest condolences. I'd be homicidal if that ever happened to me again, let alone regularly.
My lovely girlfriend picked me up from the hospital. She helped me into the car and asked how everything went.
Jesse: "I can't feel my penis and I have to pee worse than I ever have in my entire life but I can't. I think I'm going to die."
Jen: "WHAT? And they let you leave?"
Jesse: "Oh, they don't know. I didn't tell them."
Jen: "Why didn't you tell them?!? What the hell's wrong with you? I'm taking you back."
Jesse: "No, no, no! Look, we're closer to home now and I think I might pee my pants any minute. I am NOT going back there after pissing my pants. Actually, I might be going right now. [checks] Nope. We're all good."
Jen: [sighs] "Fine, but if you don't go as soon as you get home I'm making you wear diapers tonight."
Luckily, soon after I got home I regained partial control of my bladder and broke some kind of record for Longest Low-Pressure Piss.
By the age of 25, I had surgery on both of my knees. As far as I know, I don't have some sort of crippling disease. But I do have terrible luck and knees made out of an impressive combination of styrofoam and toothpicks. Maybe a pipe cleaner or two for reinforcement. My knees have the structural integrity of whatever kindergarteners make in arts and crafts, but without the googly eyes.
The first such instance of knee dysfunction came when I was 16. I was playing basketball in my friends driveway when I simply bent over to pick up the ball and inexplicably tore up cartilage in my left knee. I might as well have broken my collarbone opening a jar of pickles. My friends laughed at me, told me to quit being a baby and someone whipped the basketball at my crotch. Let me tell you, a basketball to the crotch does not distract from the pain of a torn meniscus. It only adds different layers of pain. Provides a certain depth. And do I detect a hint of nausea in there as well? Ahhhh... yes, I do.
I had surgery a few months later. By this time I was 17, had a goatee and was a fully grown man, despite being treated at the Children's Hospital. To prove my manhood, I asked the nurse what would happen if I tried to stay awake after she put on the gas mask. She smiled and told me to give it a shot, she'll start a conversation and see how long I could go. Oh yes, I was going to impress this female nurse by showing off my tolerance for anesthetics. Until about 10 seconds in when she started talking like the teacher on Charlie Brown. My last clear thought was getting angry at her for talking like that.
When I woke up I was cold and shaking. Have you ever woken up cold and shaking? And with your leg swollen and propped up? And people were also trying to stop me from shaking so they could put me back on IV, you know, because I shook the needle out of my arm while I was unconscious. I think it would have been less of a shock to my body if they threw me in a tub of water and dropped a toaster in. By the time it was all sorted out, I had the IV needle sticking out of my elbow pit, if that's what you'd call it. I've never heard the term "elbow pit" before, but I really wouldn't know what else to call it. They taped a board to my arm so I couldn't bend it and mess up the IV. So there I was, with the entire left side of my body completely paralyzed. All I was missing was the smell of burnt toast.
After warming up, I was very thirsty. I asked the nurse for a glass of water. She must have misheard me, because she came back with a shot no bigger than a bottle cap. I downed it and asked for another. And she brought me another. And I asked for another. She said that most people are nauseous after surgery and can't hold down foods or liquids. I explained to her that I wasn't a little kid, I was a 17 year old man with a beard. So she brought me a half full glass of apple juice and said if I keep it down she'll give me more later.
Next my dad walked in to visit. I was telling him about all the gas mask and stuff. "Yeah, I tried to fight it and then she started talking all funny. Like the teacher from Charlie Br-AAAAGGGHHH... oh no..." Now remember, I couldn't move. I threw up about half a pint of watered down apple juice all over my chest and bed sheets. My dad started screaming for a nurse as if I'd gone into convulsions.
Dad: "Nurse! NURSE! Somebody help! GET A DOCTOR!"
Jesse: "No, no! No, Dad, please! Not the nurse! I'm fine..."
But it was too late. I got a very nice 'Told ya so' from the nurse while she changed my pukey bedsheets and explained to my dad that I was only sick because I had too much to drink. She never did admit to poisoning the apple juice. The rest of the night at the hospital was quite nice.
Jesse: [waking up in the middle of the night] "hhmmm... wha?"
Nurse: "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you. How are you feeling?"
Jesse: [taking a second to ponder] "uhhh... I feel good actually. Yeah. very good."
Nurse: "You should. I just gave you some morphine."
The fun didn't end there though. When I got home the next day, I finally got to change clothes and take a shower. It was then that I discovered a perfect rectangle shaved into my thigh. On my good leg. It didn't bother me all that much, but it's a little peculiar, isn't it? The next time I saw the doctor I asked him about it.
Doctor: "Oh yes. The nurses do that sometimes."
Jesse: "Okay. Why?"
Doctor: "Just standard procedure."
Bullshit. I bet those nurses get together every night and tell each other what ridiculous things they did to their patients.
Nurse 1: "While some kid was sleeping I shaved a patch of his leg. Then I poisoned his apple juice and made him throw up in front of his father!"
Nurse 2: "I gave some little girl sugar pills and told her it was real medicine!"
Nurse 3: "I cut off some boy's nipple and re-attached it two inches higher. I win!"
All of them: "Nurse high five!"
When my second knee surgery came around, I thought I was ready for anything. I'm gonna be cold, shaking, shaved and throwing up. Got it. Cool. I didn't even fight the gas mask this time. In fact, I woke up quite peacefully. After looking around a bit I started taking inventory of my senses. Can I move my hands and fingers? Check. Feet and toes? Hmmm... the left foot is still pretty frozen, I'll give it some time. So I guessed my body slowly thawed out from the anesthesia, from the extremities in. A while later I started poking around a bit more. Chest, stomach and ribs were all good. Heh, my ass is still a bit- HOLY CRAP! I CAN'T FEEL MY PENIS!
I gave it a good yank and it might as well have been someone else's. I was still completely frozen from my waist to upper thighs. Quite alarming. Unfortunately, I had no other choice but to wait patiently to feel again. And then all of a sudden I had to go pee really badly. But I was still numb in the crotch, so I waited. And kept waiting. And waited until I could not possibly hold it in any longer and asked a nurse if I could go to the bathroom. After struggling with the crutches I hobbled over to the bathroom and sat down because I couldn't stand. And... nothing.
I couldn't pee. I had to go as bad as I've ever had to go in my entire life and I couldn't even force myself to. I just sat there for ten minutes, talking to my frozen dick, hoping for something to happen. The nurse eventually came by to check on me.
Nurse: "Is everything okay? Do you need any-"
Jesse: "YES! NO! I mean, I'm fine! No help!"
Eventually I had to give up. It was the least satisfying experience of my life. Ladies, if sleeping with a guy who can't finish the job is ANYTHING like that, my sincerest condolences. I'd be homicidal if that ever happened to me again, let alone regularly.
My lovely girlfriend picked me up from the hospital. She helped me into the car and asked how everything went.
Jesse: "I can't feel my penis and I have to pee worse than I ever have in my entire life but I can't. I think I'm going to die."
Jen: "WHAT? And they let you leave?"
Jesse: "Oh, they don't know. I didn't tell them."
Jen: "Why didn't you tell them?!? What the hell's wrong with you? I'm taking you back."
Jesse: "No, no, no! Look, we're closer to home now and I think I might pee my pants any minute. I am NOT going back there after pissing my pants. Actually, I might be going right now. [checks] Nope. We're all good."
Jen: [sighs] "Fine, but if you don't go as soon as you get home I'm making you wear diapers tonight."
Luckily, soon after I got home I regained partial control of my bladder and broke some kind of record for Longest Low-Pressure Piss.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Week 1
So last night I had my first class at the Comedynest and took my first step to becoming a stand-up comic. People slowly trickled into the club and grabbed a chair while Joey chatted with a few people and watched everyone walk in. He commented on how interesting it was to see some people’s body language. That some of us looked nervous and then others had a look on their face like they were ready to go. While I’ll admit to a few butterflies, I’d like to think I fell into the latter category. I typically grabbed a seat near the back, but thought better of it and moved up to the front corner, right at the side of the stage. Glad I did too, because from my angle I was able to scope out the rest of the crowd.
There’s about 20-25 of us. I’d say more than half the class was guys in their mid to late 40’s. At least I’m having my mid-life crisis a little early. There were 5 girls, which Joey was very impressed with, since there are very few lady comics working in Montreal these days. The first thing we had to do, not surprisingly, was walk up to the stage with the lights on you and introduce yourself to everyone. Name, age, what you do, where you’re from and why you’re here. Pretty standard stuff. One caveat: no microphone. He said we’ll spend a whole class on mic techniques later. For now he wants us to project our voice.
Here’s my introduction:
Jesse: “Hey, my name is Jesse. I’m 27 years old, born and raised in Montreal. NDG, to be specific. I work for Volkswagen Finance. And like everyone else here, I’m a big fan of comedy. I’ve been wanting to try stand-up for a while and came across this course while checking out local shows. I just thought it’d be a great place to start.”
Joey: “So what does Volkswagen finance?”
Jesse: “Mostly cars, I assume.”
Joey: “And have you ever performed before?”
Jesse: “Nope. Never.”
Joey: “And who’s your favourite comedian?”
Jesse: [brief pause] “Norm Macdonald.”
Joey: “Wow. I was not expecting that answer.”
Jesse: “Really? Norm’s the best. I can’t not laugh at him.”
Joey: “Yeah, it’s a good answer. Cool.”
Afterwards I asked him why Norm was an unexpected answer. He said that not many people know he even did stand-up, that they think of him just from Saturday Night Live. He said he’d never gotten that answer before, it was very refreshing. If he’s used to people not knowing Norm did stand-up, then I’m not sure what to expect from the rest of the class anymore. That’s absurd.
First impressions of my comedy comrades: There are a few strange ones on the group, which was totally expected. We witnessed a lot of pacing around and hands in pockets. A few people even put their hand up to block the glare of the lights. That strikes me as a bad habit. Although, the lights were a lot brighter than I thought they’d be. I had to fight off the urge to put my hand up and I could barely see anyone in the audience. There were also a few really interesting jobs. One girl was a war crimes lawyer, but got out of that and took an improv class at Second City in Toronto. So she clearly has an unfair advantage, since war crimes are hilarious. I definitely would like to ask her about that at some point. One guy is an unemployed circus performer. A couple people were writers or have a writing background. Then there were a handful of people who are currently doing standup or have in the past and just want to learn more or get back into it.
After the intros, Joey said that we all did pretty well and he wasn’t worried about anyone. I don’t know about that. There were a couple people who looked terribly uncomfortable up on stage. I’m rooting for everyone, but I think some folk are gonna struggle with this. “You can’t fail this class.” Joey said. We’ll see about that. On the other hand, there were at least 3 people who I think will end up being very funny.
Most of us were pretty quiet and attentive, except for one guy who kept trying to get a few one liners in and sat there with a smug smile on his face afterwards. For instance, while Joey was talking about a few words to avoid, such as the “C-word”, Smuggy said “Chicken?” to a few chuckles. Yup. And that was probably his best one.
I dropped one line that I couldn’t resist. While introducing himself, this guy said we were lucky he showed up because he was missing women’s curling. A few people laughed, but he kept talking about it until it was obvious he wasn’t joking in the slightest, going on about Jennifer Jones winning gold in 2010. He said he was taping it and was going to watch it the second he got home. Joey said “Alright then, we don’t want you to miss too much so we’ll try to hurry this up for you.” To which I replied “Hurry hard!” just loud enough for a few people around me to hear. It got a good reaction. It’s a curling joke. If you didn’t get it, then you’re probably not Canadian.
The rest of the class he spoke about a lot of the basics. “Be yourself.” “Be confident.” “Speak clearly and enunciate.” Nothing you can’t figure out on your own. There was one thing he did say that stuck with me. “Comedy is all about misdirection. It’s basically magic, but with wordplay.” Another pretty obvious point, but I really liked how he put it. He already wasn’t expecting me to say Norm Macdonald, so I’m obviously on the right track, n’est ce pas?
We got our first assignment as well. List 3 things that are obvious to other people about you, 5 negative characteristics and 10 things you hate, that bother you and that scare you. No funny stuff yet, just an honest list to start working from. And from there we’ll learn how to build the setup, the punch line and the tag. Bonus: We can get into Thursday night shows for free to watch as much comedy as we can. I think I’ll be taking more than a few field trips for this class.
And that concluded our first session. Overall, it really wasn’t bad. I think there’s gonna be some good times ahead. Not to mention our ‘graduation’, when we all perform a 5 minute set in front of a live audience filled with family and friends. Now THAT is gonna be fun.
There’s about 20-25 of us. I’d say more than half the class was guys in their mid to late 40’s. At least I’m having my mid-life crisis a little early. There were 5 girls, which Joey was very impressed with, since there are very few lady comics working in Montreal these days. The first thing we had to do, not surprisingly, was walk up to the stage with the lights on you and introduce yourself to everyone. Name, age, what you do, where you’re from and why you’re here. Pretty standard stuff. One caveat: no microphone. He said we’ll spend a whole class on mic techniques later. For now he wants us to project our voice.
Here’s my introduction:
Jesse: “Hey, my name is Jesse. I’m 27 years old, born and raised in Montreal. NDG, to be specific. I work for Volkswagen Finance. And like everyone else here, I’m a big fan of comedy. I’ve been wanting to try stand-up for a while and came across this course while checking out local shows. I just thought it’d be a great place to start.”
Joey: “So what does Volkswagen finance?”
Jesse: “Mostly cars, I assume.”
Joey: “And have you ever performed before?”
Jesse: “Nope. Never.”
Joey: “And who’s your favourite comedian?”
Jesse: [brief pause] “Norm Macdonald.”
Joey: “Wow. I was not expecting that answer.”
Jesse: “Really? Norm’s the best. I can’t not laugh at him.”
Joey: “Yeah, it’s a good answer. Cool.”
Afterwards I asked him why Norm was an unexpected answer. He said that not many people know he even did stand-up, that they think of him just from Saturday Night Live. He said he’d never gotten that answer before, it was very refreshing. If he’s used to people not knowing Norm did stand-up, then I’m not sure what to expect from the rest of the class anymore. That’s absurd.
First impressions of my comedy comrades: There are a few strange ones on the group, which was totally expected. We witnessed a lot of pacing around and hands in pockets. A few people even put their hand up to block the glare of the lights. That strikes me as a bad habit. Although, the lights were a lot brighter than I thought they’d be. I had to fight off the urge to put my hand up and I could barely see anyone in the audience. There were also a few really interesting jobs. One girl was a war crimes lawyer, but got out of that and took an improv class at Second City in Toronto. So she clearly has an unfair advantage, since war crimes are hilarious. I definitely would like to ask her about that at some point. One guy is an unemployed circus performer. A couple people were writers or have a writing background. Then there were a handful of people who are currently doing standup or have in the past and just want to learn more or get back into it.
After the intros, Joey said that we all did pretty well and he wasn’t worried about anyone. I don’t know about that. There were a couple people who looked terribly uncomfortable up on stage. I’m rooting for everyone, but I think some folk are gonna struggle with this. “You can’t fail this class.” Joey said. We’ll see about that. On the other hand, there were at least 3 people who I think will end up being very funny.
Most of us were pretty quiet and attentive, except for one guy who kept trying to get a few one liners in and sat there with a smug smile on his face afterwards. For instance, while Joey was talking about a few words to avoid, such as the “C-word”, Smuggy said “Chicken?” to a few chuckles. Yup. And that was probably his best one.
I dropped one line that I couldn’t resist. While introducing himself, this guy said we were lucky he showed up because he was missing women’s curling. A few people laughed, but he kept talking about it until it was obvious he wasn’t joking in the slightest, going on about Jennifer Jones winning gold in 2010. He said he was taping it and was going to watch it the second he got home. Joey said “Alright then, we don’t want you to miss too much so we’ll try to hurry this up for you.” To which I replied “Hurry hard!” just loud enough for a few people around me to hear. It got a good reaction. It’s a curling joke. If you didn’t get it, then you’re probably not Canadian.
The rest of the class he spoke about a lot of the basics. “Be yourself.” “Be confident.” “Speak clearly and enunciate.” Nothing you can’t figure out on your own. There was one thing he did say that stuck with me. “Comedy is all about misdirection. It’s basically magic, but with wordplay.” Another pretty obvious point, but I really liked how he put it. He already wasn’t expecting me to say Norm Macdonald, so I’m obviously on the right track, n’est ce pas?
We got our first assignment as well. List 3 things that are obvious to other people about you, 5 negative characteristics and 10 things you hate, that bother you and that scare you. No funny stuff yet, just an honest list to start working from. And from there we’ll learn how to build the setup, the punch line and the tag. Bonus: We can get into Thursday night shows for free to watch as much comedy as we can. I think I’ll be taking more than a few field trips for this class.
And that concluded our first session. Overall, it really wasn’t bad. I think there’s gonna be some good times ahead. Not to mention our ‘graduation’, when we all perform a 5 minute set in front of a live audience filled with family and friends. Now THAT is gonna be fun.
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