Got this in the ol' inbox yesterday. Translated from German to English by Babelfish...
Subject: Proposal to co-operation between Geeko graduation and http://www.promisenottolaugh.com/
Very honoured Web master, my name is Tanja Kastner and I is graduation active as Werbeberaterin in the agency Geeko.
We represent renowned enterprises, which are in the context of their on-line marketing campaign in the search for suitable advertising partners. Since your web page appears particularly interesting to me, I would inquire gladly with you whether you are interested in it against payment fitting advertising formats on your web page to merge. Gladly I can dispatch on your desire a concrete and noncommittal offer to you.
Please communicate to me whether you are interested in further information.
Yours sincerely,
Tanja Kastner
Werbeberaterin
Business development department
Geeko graduation
P.S.: In order to receive from us no further offers, you answer please with bright email. We will then remove your email address immediately from the distributor.
I'll be sure to respond with a bright email. Maybe a nice neon green.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Zombie Blog!
Get it? Because it's back from the dead, right?
So, uh... I guess I should address the fact that I haven't posted anything in over 4 months. It'd be a little awkward if I don't, wouldn't it? Alright, let's just say that I'm a really lazy person. Really, really lazy. That's the main reason. Anyone who knows me will tell you this is true. But if you want me to make excuses, I can do that! There was a 1 month stretch where my computer didn't work... In the past 2 months I've been in the Dominican Republic, Toronto, New York and Pittsburgh.... I was kidnapped... Most of that stuff is true. But I know that none of those reasons are a good excuse. Especially not an excuse to have not done any stand up comedy. Rest assured, the lack of activity wasn't due to me blowing up. When I do blow up, I'll be sure to give you the play by play.
On the bright side, the few of you who do read this piped up and told me to write something new, so I guess I'm doing something right. And I am planning to do an open mic, hopefully this Monday. I'll give you the usual report.
I might as well tell a little story while I'm here. Maybe the aforementioned travelling? Let's start with the Toronto/New York trip.
A friend of mine got married over the holidays and we decided to have his bachelor party in Toronto. I know, I know... it's insane to leave Montreal for a bachelor party in Toronto, but considering where everyone lived, it was easily the best destination. Now, you'd think the party would make up the brunt of this story, but I'm just going to gloss over it. Bachelor party antics should not be photographed or repeated. That being said, beer, strippers, shots, kareoke, beer, a handlebar moustache, shots, unbuttoned shirts, shots, vomitting, a cute midget and more beer all played a vital role in the evening. All of that stuff is true. Honestly.
What happened after the party was of more importance. Two days prior to leaving for Toronto, a friend who was there called me and asked if I needed to be home by Monday. I told him I had to work, but asked why? He had an extra ticket to see Late Show with David Letterman. I took a second to think about it before realizing I'd never have another chance to see him again. He said this was the third time he'd requested tickets and this was the first time he'd gotten a response. His plan was simple: the Sunday after the party, I stick around in T.O. to take a bus overnight to New York. We hang around Manhattan all day, then go see the Friday night taping at 6:00 PM. Then we take the bus home to our respective cities. I've definitely done crazier things than that. I was in.
So the morning after the party, my friends woke up WAY too early considering the night we had before. We were all pretty much awake by 9:00 and I felt WAY too good considering the night we had before. I didn't realize it until a couple hours later when the hangover hit me, but I was still drunk when I got up. I was barely able to hold down the dim sum in Chinatown, no thanks to my chef buddy who ordered the chicken feet, claiming that collagen was the future of cooking. All I wanted to do was lie down... and realized I wouldn't be able to do that until I got back to Montreal.
Of note, before going to the States, I realized I brought some Cuban cigars to celebrate with, but we never ended up smoking them. I knew I couldn't bring them across the border, so I got a bubble wrap envelope and sent them back to my house in the mail. C'mon, that's pretty ingenious, isn't it? Would you have thought of that? Yeah... sure you would have.
By the time we took the bus for New York, I was dead tired. The only problem was sleeping in vehicles is not my forte. I probably got an hour or two out of sheer exhaustion, and that was broken up by pit stops and crossing the border, where this conversation happened:
Officer: "Where are you from?/Where are you going?/Why are you going?/How long are you staying?"
Jesse: "Montreal, Canada/New York city/David Letterman taping/24 hours"
Officer: "Travelling tickets please."
Jesse: [hands over bus ticket to New York]
Officer: "Where is your return ticket?"
Jesse: "I haven't bought it yet."
Officer: "Why not?"
Jesse: "Uh, I don't know, I was gonna buy it when I go home."
Officer: [starts staring me down] "How are you going to buy it?"
Jesse: "Uh... with my bank account."
Officer: [not too pleased with my answer] "And how much is in your bank account?"
Jesse: "Uhhhh... around 1000$"
Officer: [clearly not believing me] "1000$?"
Jesse: "Yes."
Officer: [long pause while looking over everything on his little screen] "Next time have your return ticket ready."
Jesse: [wondering what the hell this guy's problem is] "Yes. Thank you."
I answered everything very matter of factedly, which probably made him realize I had no idea what I was doing. Because as soon as I got back into the bus, my friend showed me a little pamphlet Greyhound gives out when you buy a ticket. Rule number one was "Make sure you buy your return ticket when travelling across the border." And then written in bold right under it: "PASSENGERS WITHOUT A RETURN TICKET ARE FREQUENTLY DENIED ACCESS AT THE BORDER." Had I seen that before I crossed the border, I likely would have been a nervous wreck. I would have been stranded in Buffalo, at midnight on Sunday. In retrospect, this story would have been a lot more exciting had that happened, because the more I write, the more I'm realizing this is going nowhere. Let's try to wrap this up in note form...
- We arrived in New York at 6:00 am, before the sun even came up. I think it's about as empty as you'll ever see Broadway, which was pretty cool.
- For the sake of the story, I've been telling people I called in sick from the middle of Times Square. In reality, I was standing in a bank lobby. And I was put on hold for 5 minutes while roaming and calling long distance. I am tempted to file an expense report at work.
- Halfway through the day I wanted to change socks, so I stopped in central park to look for a pair in my bag. I was sure I had an extra pair left but couldn't find them. I ended up emptying my whole knapsack trying to find them to no avail. I'm sure the passersby had a nice laugh at the guy rifling through a pile of dirty clothes.
- Famiglia Pizza: Greasy, but pretty good.
- The NBC store was pretty awesome. My favourite items were a Dunder Mifflin warehouse shirt, a Top Chef apron and some fantastic Bayside High School sweatshirts. Meanwhile, the CBS was smaller than a Starbucks and the only item that drew my interest was a How I Met Your Mother coffee mug. They might as well call it "The CSI Store".
Screw note form, Letterman should have some detail. We were told to show up at the Ed Sullivan theatre around 4:00 PM and there was already a pretty big lineup. Fortunately, it's not general admission. While no seat is assigned, you're divided into predetermined sections of the theatre. After getting assigned a colour we were told to come back at 5:15, just enough time for a quick pint or two. Once we got back the interns gave everyone the whole spiel. Laugh loud and often, don't scream "Woooooo!", play along when Dave mentions Avatar because we're taping for the day it premiers. They were all pretty talkative and cheerful.
First impression upon walking into the theatre was that it was a lot smaller than I thought it'd be. It was a very intimate setting. The balcony was right on top of the floor, which sounds obvious, I suppose. But really, it's hanging over the floor seats as much as it possibly can. My friend and I were seated in the balcony, right over Paul and the CBS Orchestra. Not a bad sightline, but probably some of the worst seats in the crowd. C'est la vie.
The house comic is Eddie Brill. He did a quick 5 minutes to warm up the crowd. Not bad, but nothing special. I couldn't remember a single one of his jokes the next day, so forgettable might be the best way to describe him. Then Dave came sprinting out from backstage for a quick chat with everyone. I was really surprised by his energy level, especially for the 2nd taping of the day. Finally, the show opened and the guests were introduced... Tobey Maguire (meh, could be worse), Tom Dreesen (uh, sure) and Alicia Keys (hello!). The crowd really went nuts for Keys.
Dave gave a pretty long monologue and, much to the surprise of my friend and I, took a few good shots at Tiger Woods. This was around the time the story was breaking and every day there were new mistresses popping up. We thought that infidelity was something Dave might go easy on. Guess not. Tobey Maguire was a nice guest and tried to be engaging, but he's one of those guys who just seems uncomfortable in interviews. Tom Dreesen is an old comedian who opened for Frank Sinatra and it seemed like him and Dave were old buddies. They recounted a few stories about old people and were probably having a better time than the audience. Then there's Alicia Keys.
Dave gave a fantastic intro for her, along the lines of "When you get these tickets for free and you see me up here, it makes sense. But then when you get someone as incredibly talented as Alicia Keys, it's a real treat. Your eyes might literally pop out of their sockets, she's so talented. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, Alicia Keys." Alicia then started playing, asked for some ajustments to the sound levels and stopped so Dave could introduce her again, except Dave, sitting at his desk yelled out "Alicia Keys everybody! Thanks for coming everyone!". After that, the producers told him to give another intro. So he picked up the CD looking dejected and said "Hey everyone, so we've got someone here, she's gonna sing some songs, I guess." It was obviously cut from the broadcast, but was probably the biggest laughs of the night. And of course Keys was great. She sang a solo version of Empire State of Mind and her voice and thighs are pretty damned impressive in person.
Other quick notes about The Late Show... Dave takes his blazer off during every commercial break and puts it back on seconds before they're back on air... The show was taped pretty much exactly how it's shown. When there's a commercial break the band plays and they come back right around the end of the song. The whole taping was almost exactly one hour long... During every commercial break the set is flooded with production assistants and other random people. And then in seconds they disappear just in time to come back from break... We're pretty sure they specifically put couples in the floor seats in front. At least that's the impression we got. We were two guys, so I think they just threw us in the balcony... We couldn't keep our tickets as souvenirs. They were taken at the door and we couldn't get them when we left, which kinda sucks...
After that, it was another overnight bus back home to Montreal. I got home at 6:00 AM... then took a shower and went to work at 7. Usually I pride myself on doing stuff like that, but that time I maybe should have called in sick again. Here's an email I wrote to friends when we were discussing our weekend a few days later...
Here's a quick update on me, since I think my story should be heard...
Since leaving you all Sunday around 1PM, I still have not laid down. From getting out of bed Sunday morning, I'll just say 9AM, until now, a span of ALMOST 55 HOURS, I have yet lie down. I'd say it's also likely that I have not slept for more than an hour consecutively. I have sat down and leaned up against things at many angles, including a short stretch curled in the fetal position on the bus ride home, but still haven't felt completely comfortable in almost 3 days now.
I'm just finishing my work day, after getting into my house at 6AM this morning and leaving for work an hour later. I know you're thinking "Jesse, that's ridiculous and stupid. Why didn't you lie down when you got home?" Because I fear I will lapse into a low-grade coma the second my head hits a proper pillow and was determined to work today. Here's a short list of things that may happen to you if you don't lie down for 2 and a half days...
- My feet feel swollen.
- My legs are very stiff and some very specific muscles I didn't know I had are very sore. This was from walking around Manhattan from 6AM to 9PM.
- Some minor light-headedness. I blame gravity for depriving my brain of blood.
- My pants don't fit. I think my waist has expanded at least a couple inches. Again, blaming gravity.
- The combination of leg pain and minor light-headnesses make me feel like I'm walking on stilts.
I think I'm ready to sleep a solid 13 hours tonight.
Jesse
PS. It was worth it to see Letterman.
Now I remember why I stopped posting so often... it takes forever to write these things. Seriously, can I get an editor?
So, uh... I guess I should address the fact that I haven't posted anything in over 4 months. It'd be a little awkward if I don't, wouldn't it? Alright, let's just say that I'm a really lazy person. Really, really lazy. That's the main reason. Anyone who knows me will tell you this is true. But if you want me to make excuses, I can do that! There was a 1 month stretch where my computer didn't work... In the past 2 months I've been in the Dominican Republic, Toronto, New York and Pittsburgh.... I was kidnapped... Most of that stuff is true. But I know that none of those reasons are a good excuse. Especially not an excuse to have not done any stand up comedy. Rest assured, the lack of activity wasn't due to me blowing up. When I do blow up, I'll be sure to give you the play by play.
On the bright side, the few of you who do read this piped up and told me to write something new, so I guess I'm doing something right. And I am planning to do an open mic, hopefully this Monday. I'll give you the usual report.
I might as well tell a little story while I'm here. Maybe the aforementioned travelling? Let's start with the Toronto/New York trip.
A friend of mine got married over the holidays and we decided to have his bachelor party in Toronto. I know, I know... it's insane to leave Montreal for a bachelor party in Toronto, but considering where everyone lived, it was easily the best destination. Now, you'd think the party would make up the brunt of this story, but I'm just going to gloss over it. Bachelor party antics should not be photographed or repeated. That being said, beer, strippers, shots, kareoke, beer, a handlebar moustache, shots, unbuttoned shirts, shots, vomitting, a cute midget and more beer all played a vital role in the evening. All of that stuff is true. Honestly.
What happened after the party was of more importance. Two days prior to leaving for Toronto, a friend who was there called me and asked if I needed to be home by Monday. I told him I had to work, but asked why? He had an extra ticket to see Late Show with David Letterman. I took a second to think about it before realizing I'd never have another chance to see him again. He said this was the third time he'd requested tickets and this was the first time he'd gotten a response. His plan was simple: the Sunday after the party, I stick around in T.O. to take a bus overnight to New York. We hang around Manhattan all day, then go see the Friday night taping at 6:00 PM. Then we take the bus home to our respective cities. I've definitely done crazier things than that. I was in.
So the morning after the party, my friends woke up WAY too early considering the night we had before. We were all pretty much awake by 9:00 and I felt WAY too good considering the night we had before. I didn't realize it until a couple hours later when the hangover hit me, but I was still drunk when I got up. I was barely able to hold down the dim sum in Chinatown, no thanks to my chef buddy who ordered the chicken feet, claiming that collagen was the future of cooking. All I wanted to do was lie down... and realized I wouldn't be able to do that until I got back to Montreal.
Of note, before going to the States, I realized I brought some Cuban cigars to celebrate with, but we never ended up smoking them. I knew I couldn't bring them across the border, so I got a bubble wrap envelope and sent them back to my house in the mail. C'mon, that's pretty ingenious, isn't it? Would you have thought of that? Yeah... sure you would have.
By the time we took the bus for New York, I was dead tired. The only problem was sleeping in vehicles is not my forte. I probably got an hour or two out of sheer exhaustion, and that was broken up by pit stops and crossing the border, where this conversation happened:
Officer: "Where are you from?/Where are you going?/Why are you going?/How long are you staying?"
Jesse: "Montreal, Canada/New York city/David Letterman taping/24 hours"
Officer: "Travelling tickets please."
Jesse: [hands over bus ticket to New York]
Officer: "Where is your return ticket?"
Jesse: "I haven't bought it yet."
Officer: "Why not?"
Jesse: "Uh, I don't know, I was gonna buy it when I go home."
Officer: [starts staring me down] "How are you going to buy it?"
Jesse: "Uh... with my bank account."
Officer: [not too pleased with my answer] "And how much is in your bank account?"
Jesse: "Uhhhh... around 1000$"
Officer: [clearly not believing me] "1000$?"
Jesse: "Yes."
Officer: [long pause while looking over everything on his little screen] "Next time have your return ticket ready."
Jesse: [wondering what the hell this guy's problem is] "Yes. Thank you."
I answered everything very matter of factedly, which probably made him realize I had no idea what I was doing. Because as soon as I got back into the bus, my friend showed me a little pamphlet Greyhound gives out when you buy a ticket. Rule number one was "Make sure you buy your return ticket when travelling across the border." And then written in bold right under it: "PASSENGERS WITHOUT A RETURN TICKET ARE FREQUENTLY DENIED ACCESS AT THE BORDER." Had I seen that before I crossed the border, I likely would have been a nervous wreck. I would have been stranded in Buffalo, at midnight on Sunday. In retrospect, this story would have been a lot more exciting had that happened, because the more I write, the more I'm realizing this is going nowhere. Let's try to wrap this up in note form...
- We arrived in New York at 6:00 am, before the sun even came up. I think it's about as empty as you'll ever see Broadway, which was pretty cool.
- For the sake of the story, I've been telling people I called in sick from the middle of Times Square. In reality, I was standing in a bank lobby. And I was put on hold for 5 minutes while roaming and calling long distance. I am tempted to file an expense report at work.
- Halfway through the day I wanted to change socks, so I stopped in central park to look for a pair in my bag. I was sure I had an extra pair left but couldn't find them. I ended up emptying my whole knapsack trying to find them to no avail. I'm sure the passersby had a nice laugh at the guy rifling through a pile of dirty clothes.
- Famiglia Pizza: Greasy, but pretty good.
- The NBC store was pretty awesome. My favourite items were a Dunder Mifflin warehouse shirt, a Top Chef apron and some fantastic Bayside High School sweatshirts. Meanwhile, the CBS was smaller than a Starbucks and the only item that drew my interest was a How I Met Your Mother coffee mug. They might as well call it "The CSI Store".
Screw note form, Letterman should have some detail. We were told to show up at the Ed Sullivan theatre around 4:00 PM and there was already a pretty big lineup. Fortunately, it's not general admission. While no seat is assigned, you're divided into predetermined sections of the theatre. After getting assigned a colour we were told to come back at 5:15, just enough time for a quick pint or two. Once we got back the interns gave everyone the whole spiel. Laugh loud and often, don't scream "Woooooo!", play along when Dave mentions Avatar because we're taping for the day it premiers. They were all pretty talkative and cheerful.
First impression upon walking into the theatre was that it was a lot smaller than I thought it'd be. It was a very intimate setting. The balcony was right on top of the floor, which sounds obvious, I suppose. But really, it's hanging over the floor seats as much as it possibly can. My friend and I were seated in the balcony, right over Paul and the CBS Orchestra. Not a bad sightline, but probably some of the worst seats in the crowd. C'est la vie.
The house comic is Eddie Brill. He did a quick 5 minutes to warm up the crowd. Not bad, but nothing special. I couldn't remember a single one of his jokes the next day, so forgettable might be the best way to describe him. Then Dave came sprinting out from backstage for a quick chat with everyone. I was really surprised by his energy level, especially for the 2nd taping of the day. Finally, the show opened and the guests were introduced... Tobey Maguire (meh, could be worse), Tom Dreesen (uh, sure) and Alicia Keys (hello!). The crowd really went nuts for Keys.
Dave gave a pretty long monologue and, much to the surprise of my friend and I, took a few good shots at Tiger Woods. This was around the time the story was breaking and every day there were new mistresses popping up. We thought that infidelity was something Dave might go easy on. Guess not. Tobey Maguire was a nice guest and tried to be engaging, but he's one of those guys who just seems uncomfortable in interviews. Tom Dreesen is an old comedian who opened for Frank Sinatra and it seemed like him and Dave were old buddies. They recounted a few stories about old people and were probably having a better time than the audience. Then there's Alicia Keys.
Dave gave a fantastic intro for her, along the lines of "When you get these tickets for free and you see me up here, it makes sense. But then when you get someone as incredibly talented as Alicia Keys, it's a real treat. Your eyes might literally pop out of their sockets, she's so talented. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, Alicia Keys." Alicia then started playing, asked for some ajustments to the sound levels and stopped so Dave could introduce her again, except Dave, sitting at his desk yelled out "Alicia Keys everybody! Thanks for coming everyone!". After that, the producers told him to give another intro. So he picked up the CD looking dejected and said "Hey everyone, so we've got someone here, she's gonna sing some songs, I guess." It was obviously cut from the broadcast, but was probably the biggest laughs of the night. And of course Keys was great. She sang a solo version of Empire State of Mind and her voice and thighs are pretty damned impressive in person.
Other quick notes about The Late Show... Dave takes his blazer off during every commercial break and puts it back on seconds before they're back on air... The show was taped pretty much exactly how it's shown. When there's a commercial break the band plays and they come back right around the end of the song. The whole taping was almost exactly one hour long... During every commercial break the set is flooded with production assistants and other random people. And then in seconds they disappear just in time to come back from break... We're pretty sure they specifically put couples in the floor seats in front. At least that's the impression we got. We were two guys, so I think they just threw us in the balcony... We couldn't keep our tickets as souvenirs. They were taken at the door and we couldn't get them when we left, which kinda sucks...
After that, it was another overnight bus back home to Montreal. I got home at 6:00 AM... then took a shower and went to work at 7. Usually I pride myself on doing stuff like that, but that time I maybe should have called in sick again. Here's an email I wrote to friends when we were discussing our weekend a few days later...
Here's a quick update on me, since I think my story should be heard...
Since leaving you all Sunday around 1PM, I still have not laid down. From getting out of bed Sunday morning, I'll just say 9AM, until now, a span of ALMOST 55 HOURS, I have yet lie down. I'd say it's also likely that I have not slept for more than an hour consecutively. I have sat down and leaned up against things at many angles, including a short stretch curled in the fetal position on the bus ride home, but still haven't felt completely comfortable in almost 3 days now.
I'm just finishing my work day, after getting into my house at 6AM this morning and leaving for work an hour later. I know you're thinking "Jesse, that's ridiculous and stupid. Why didn't you lie down when you got home?" Because I fear I will lapse into a low-grade coma the second my head hits a proper pillow and was determined to work today. Here's a short list of things that may happen to you if you don't lie down for 2 and a half days...
- My feet feel swollen.
- My legs are very stiff and some very specific muscles I didn't know I had are very sore. This was from walking around Manhattan from 6AM to 9PM.
- Some minor light-headedness. I blame gravity for depriving my brain of blood.
- My pants don't fit. I think my waist has expanded at least a couple inches. Again, blaming gravity.
- The combination of leg pain and minor light-headnesses make me feel like I'm walking on stilts.
I think I'm ready to sleep a solid 13 hours tonight.
Jesse
PS. It was worth it to see Letterman.
Now I remember why I stopped posting so often... it takes forever to write these things. Seriously, can I get an editor?
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Norm MacDonald ESPY Monologue
This clip combines my love of sports with my love of Norm MacDonald. And my love of awkward audience reactions. Ken Griffey Jr, I'm looking at you.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Cerebral? Really?
After moving in with my girlfriend, getting a dog and going to weddings almost every weekend for about two months, my summer is finally slowing down a little. And to celebrate, I went to an open mic last Monday.
I hadn't really prepared much for it. It was the first time that I wasn't using any new jokes and I just cobbled together 5 minutes from stuff I'd already written and performed, hoping to put together a real strong set. Whether I accomplished that or not is up for debate.
Here's the thing... considering the prep I put into it, I was remarkably comfortable on stage. I thought I was smooth, composed and had a good rhythm going. I didn't fuck anything up and never stuttered. I even ad libbed a little, which I had never done before. It felt pretty good. But for whatever reason, the crowd wasn't digging me at all. I have a joke about birds becoming religious terrorists because they've learned how to take down planes. Hell, since it seems like any video of me is on a permanent hiatus, here it goes...
"I don't like birds, but I do like foreigners... which is a little confusing, since they're both friendly, everywhere and have learned how to take down planes... In one fell swoop, birds have become religious terrorists. You see, they've always been the animal closest to God... and now they want the sky back. Apparently, a 747 is no match for a flock of suicidal seagulls. I know, I know... I shouldn't joke about that. I mean, birds are dumb, but even they don't believe in God."
I like that joke, I think it's pretty strong and has gotten a good reaction each time so far. This time, it was only a couple laughs from the back. I was frustrated and quipped "You guys read the news, right? You know that birds took down a plane? -silence- Of course you do, you're an educated crowd." At another point there was a lonely Nelson Muntz-esque "Ha-HA" after a joke and immediately mocked the laugh and said "I don't need your pity laughs." So yeah, didn't go as well as I hoped. I didn't come close to bombing, but my favourite jokes didn't go over.
After I walked back a couple other comics said they liked it. One even said "I think your stuff was a little too cerebral for this crowd." I didn't think so, until a guy who went up after me and started with this joke.
"So I take the bus a lot, right? And you know what happens on the bus, people ask for your seat. So this old lady comes up to me and asks if she can have my seat. Of course, I do what anyone would do, I said 'Shut up you old bitch and sit on the floor!!!" [uproarious laughter] Anyways, I guess I just have to continue to find my audience, because a crowd that laughs at that certainly is not it.
As for the shameful lack of activity on this blog, I've been having a hard time thinking of things to write about. At first it was easy since I was taking classes every week and had plenty of stuff to cover. But now, unless I'm going up on stage all the time (which I suppose I should be doing) I find myself with little to impart your way. One idea I've had is to start reviewing comedy albums, like a music critic. Like, one a month or week something. I dunno... just something to keep this thing going and make sure I am writing. I could easily write about 10 reviews of albums I already listen to, so it seems logical and hopefully even entertaining.
Until then, go back and read some old posts. Maybe you missed a joke or two. They're like leftover chili. Always better the second time around.
I hadn't really prepared much for it. It was the first time that I wasn't using any new jokes and I just cobbled together 5 minutes from stuff I'd already written and performed, hoping to put together a real strong set. Whether I accomplished that or not is up for debate.
Here's the thing... considering the prep I put into it, I was remarkably comfortable on stage. I thought I was smooth, composed and had a good rhythm going. I didn't fuck anything up and never stuttered. I even ad libbed a little, which I had never done before. It felt pretty good. But for whatever reason, the crowd wasn't digging me at all. I have a joke about birds becoming religious terrorists because they've learned how to take down planes. Hell, since it seems like any video of me is on a permanent hiatus, here it goes...
"I don't like birds, but I do like foreigners... which is a little confusing, since they're both friendly, everywhere and have learned how to take down planes... In one fell swoop, birds have become religious terrorists. You see, they've always been the animal closest to God... and now they want the sky back. Apparently, a 747 is no match for a flock of suicidal seagulls. I know, I know... I shouldn't joke about that. I mean, birds are dumb, but even they don't believe in God."
I like that joke, I think it's pretty strong and has gotten a good reaction each time so far. This time, it was only a couple laughs from the back. I was frustrated and quipped "You guys read the news, right? You know that birds took down a plane? -silence- Of course you do, you're an educated crowd." At another point there was a lonely Nelson Muntz-esque "Ha-HA" after a joke and immediately mocked the laugh and said "I don't need your pity laughs." So yeah, didn't go as well as I hoped. I didn't come close to bombing, but my favourite jokes didn't go over.
After I walked back a couple other comics said they liked it. One even said "I think your stuff was a little too cerebral for this crowd." I didn't think so, until a guy who went up after me and started with this joke.
"So I take the bus a lot, right? And you know what happens on the bus, people ask for your seat. So this old lady comes up to me and asks if she can have my seat. Of course, I do what anyone would do, I said 'Shut up you old bitch and sit on the floor!!!" [uproarious laughter] Anyways, I guess I just have to continue to find my audience, because a crowd that laughs at that certainly is not it.
As for the shameful lack of activity on this blog, I've been having a hard time thinking of things to write about. At first it was easy since I was taking classes every week and had plenty of stuff to cover. But now, unless I'm going up on stage all the time (which I suppose I should be doing) I find myself with little to impart your way. One idea I've had is to start reviewing comedy albums, like a music critic. Like, one a month or week something. I dunno... just something to keep this thing going and make sure I am writing. I could easily write about 10 reviews of albums I already listen to, so it seems logical and hopefully even entertaining.
Until then, go back and read some old posts. Maybe you missed a joke or two. They're like leftover chili. Always better the second time around.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Just For Laughs and Louis CK
(Note: I started writing this on July 28th, then didn't finish it. Then I rewrote it today, August 14th, and Blogger is giving me credit for having written it on July 28th. I don't know how I feel about that. Or whether it even matters. Moving along...)
A few weeks ago Montreal hosted their annual Just For Laughs festival. Last I heard, it was the largest comedy festival in the world and always attracts some pretty big names in comedy. In fact, let me do a little research...
Well, I can only find the 2007 numbers right off the bat, since that was the 25th anniversary of the festival and they broke all their records, which were probably broken once again this year.
Number of indoor shows: 445
Number of outdoor shows: 1288
Number of artists: 1,682
Number countries represented: 19
Number of venues: 25
Festival attendance including ticketed and outdoor attendance: an estimated 2 million people
So that gives you all an idea of how big this thing is. All that to say, I went to see Louis CK on July 24th and was pretty much blown away. Not only that, but Jimmy Carr surprise opened for him with a quick 20 minute set before Louis took the stage. I'm a pretty big fan of Jimmy Carr and wouldn't hesitate to see him headline an event, so it was a real treat to see him open.
And then Louis CK came out and threw down 90 minutes of comedy. It was pretty impressive, to say the least. The first 70 minutes was all new material that I'd never heard, coming from someone who is putting out one hour specials every year. He recently went through a divorce, so his usual family themed (but definitely not family friendly) observations all had a new twist to it as he spoke about splitting up and being single again. And then for an encore, he went into an extended version of his "Everything is awesome, nobody is happy" bit that he did on Conan and is now a YouTube sensation. I posted it a few months ago, for anyone not familiar, just click on the Louis CK label to find it.
By the end of the evening my face hurt. The laughs were pretty much non-stop. I don't think a whole minute went by without cracking up. If that wasn't a big name comedian performing at the top of his game, then I don't know what is.
A few weeks ago Montreal hosted their annual Just For Laughs festival. Last I heard, it was the largest comedy festival in the world and always attracts some pretty big names in comedy. In fact, let me do a little research...
Well, I can only find the 2007 numbers right off the bat, since that was the 25th anniversary of the festival and they broke all their records, which were probably broken once again this year.
Number of indoor shows: 445
Number of outdoor shows: 1288
Number of artists: 1,682
Number countries represented: 19
Number of venues: 25
Festival attendance including ticketed and outdoor attendance: an estimated 2 million people
So that gives you all an idea of how big this thing is. All that to say, I went to see Louis CK on July 24th and was pretty much blown away. Not only that, but Jimmy Carr surprise opened for him with a quick 20 minute set before Louis took the stage. I'm a pretty big fan of Jimmy Carr and wouldn't hesitate to see him headline an event, so it was a real treat to see him open.
And then Louis CK came out and threw down 90 minutes of comedy. It was pretty impressive, to say the least. The first 70 minutes was all new material that I'd never heard, coming from someone who is putting out one hour specials every year. He recently went through a divorce, so his usual family themed (but definitely not family friendly) observations all had a new twist to it as he spoke about splitting up and being single again. And then for an encore, he went into an extended version of his "Everything is awesome, nobody is happy" bit that he did on Conan and is now a YouTube sensation. I posted it a few months ago, for anyone not familiar, just click on the Louis CK label to find it.
By the end of the evening my face hurt. The laughs were pretty much non-stop. I don't think a whole minute went by without cracking up. If that wasn't a big name comedian performing at the top of his game, then I don't know what is.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Slacking a little bit...
So it's been a long time since I've posted anything here, or anywhere, for that matter. Here's the scoop of what I've been up to lately and for the next little while...
I moved on July 1st and was really busy with that. I'm pretty much settled in now, although I've still got a few boxes to unpack and shelves to put up, it's at the point where I'm comfortable enough that I've lost motivation to keep unpacking. Why do work when you can sit and watch tv? Then, I've got two weddings to go to in the next couple weekends, including a few parties and seeing lots of friends visiting from out of town. And I'm still playing softball a couple times a week, primarily on the open mic nights.
Unfortunately, because of all this, I haven't had much time to do anything comedic lately. I suppose I should be making the time, but I've been sidetracked by that other stuff. I keep seeing my classmates going to shows (in some cases multiple times a week) and I can't help but feel like I'm really slacking off right now. I'm not even getting out there to support them because I've got something going pretty much every night.
I've gotta start putting other stuff on hold and making stand-up more of a priority. Which is easier said than done, but I might as well let everyone know that I know that I'm a slacker. Which should also come as no surprise to anyone who knows me.
I moved on July 1st and was really busy with that. I'm pretty much settled in now, although I've still got a few boxes to unpack and shelves to put up, it's at the point where I'm comfortable enough that I've lost motivation to keep unpacking. Why do work when you can sit and watch tv? Then, I've got two weddings to go to in the next couple weekends, including a few parties and seeing lots of friends visiting from out of town. And I'm still playing softball a couple times a week, primarily on the open mic nights.
Unfortunately, because of all this, I haven't had much time to do anything comedic lately. I suppose I should be making the time, but I've been sidetracked by that other stuff. I keep seeing my classmates going to shows (in some cases multiple times a week) and I can't help but feel like I'm really slacking off right now. I'm not even getting out there to support them because I've got something going pretty much every night.
I've gotta start putting other stuff on hold and making stand-up more of a priority. Which is easier said than done, but I might as well let everyone know that I know that I'm a slacker. Which should also come as no surprise to anyone who knows me.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Michael Jackson
I forgot to throw this in before posting the last entry, but this probably deserves to be addressed on it's own because it's the topic du jour and I'm nothing if not topical. I like Michael Jackson. Even though I'm more of a rock/alternative/metal kinda guy, my musical interests are all over the map, as I think everyone's should be. (As an aside, has anyone ever browsed your iPod and said "Wow, there's a lot of weird/different/strange stuff on here"? I think that's a good thing. I'd be disturbed by someone who has 30 gigs worth of one genre of music.)
Anyways, my point is that Michael Jackson made great music. His talent cannot be denied and is by all accounts not only a musical genius but he can be argued as the greatest entertainer of all time. I get it. But can everyone just calm the fuck down? If I read one more person's Twitter or Facebook update about him then I'm gonna start burning his albums out of spite. It's been 48 hours and I'm still getting "This is hitting me harder than I thought it would!" and "I still can't believe he's gone!" and "RIP MJ! we'll miss u :-("
And as far as the media's reaction to it all? I'll let Jon Lajoie handle that... and no, it's not too soon.
Anyways, my point is that Michael Jackson made great music. His talent cannot be denied and is by all accounts not only a musical genius but he can be argued as the greatest entertainer of all time. I get it. But can everyone just calm the fuck down? If I read one more person's Twitter or Facebook update about him then I'm gonna start burning his albums out of spite. It's been 48 hours and I'm still getting "This is hitting me harder than I thought it would!" and "I still can't believe he's gone!" and "RIP MJ! we'll miss u :-("
And as far as the media's reaction to it all? I'll let Jon Lajoie handle that... and no, it's not too soon.
Adapting to a crowd
I'm moving in a few days, I've been packing pretty much all day and I've just gotta take a break for a bit. I figure watching Zack and Miri Make a Porno while cranking out a post oughta do the trick.
The other day I mentioned something about adapting to a crowd. I've been trying to read a lot of different opinions on stand up and one recurring theme is that the audience is having a conversation with you. You might be the only one talking, but there's a lot of give and take going on. If you pick up on their vibe, they'll tell you what they want to hear.
Now, it might be because I'm stubborn, but I've been of the opinion that if they don't laugh, then fuck'em. I know what's funny and if they don't like it, then they don't have a good enough sense of humour. But last week, I had a joke about religion that didn't land and then went through with another minute or two on religion. Well, that didn't really work either. Looking back on it, I could have easily bypassed it based on the reaction to the first joke. And I think that might be a good thing to do in the future. Except I don't really want to. I actually do think that if something doesn't work (unless I fuck it up, which is entirely possible and I'm pretty sure I'd notice, but didn't happen on Monday) then they're the problem, not me.
This is probably one of those things that I'll just figure out as I go along, but as of right now, I don't think I'm nearly comfortable enough to change my routine on the fly and I'd rather go out there and give what I think is my best stuff, regardless of reaction. Unless I bomb. I think if I ever bomb I might change my tune.
I'll take this moment to mention Matt Ruby. He's a New York comic who's been writing his blog for a few years and I've been reading his blog a lot since I started. If what I'm doing here ever ends up half as good as his page, that'd be fine by me. He also discusses the topic of tuning your set to the audience fairly often, including this post about a month ago: http://www.sandpapersuit.com/2009/05/adjusting-your-material-based-on-type.html
And now, back to packing. Or sleeping. Unfortunately not a combination of the two, because sleeppacking would be awesome. -Wake up- "Hey, everything's done! I must have packed it in my sleep!" -Self High Five-
The other day I mentioned something about adapting to a crowd. I've been trying to read a lot of different opinions on stand up and one recurring theme is that the audience is having a conversation with you. You might be the only one talking, but there's a lot of give and take going on. If you pick up on their vibe, they'll tell you what they want to hear.
Now, it might be because I'm stubborn, but I've been of the opinion that if they don't laugh, then fuck'em. I know what's funny and if they don't like it, then they don't have a good enough sense of humour. But last week, I had a joke about religion that didn't land and then went through with another minute or two on religion. Well, that didn't really work either. Looking back on it, I could have easily bypassed it based on the reaction to the first joke. And I think that might be a good thing to do in the future. Except I don't really want to. I actually do think that if something doesn't work (unless I fuck it up, which is entirely possible and I'm pretty sure I'd notice, but didn't happen on Monday) then they're the problem, not me.
This is probably one of those things that I'll just figure out as I go along, but as of right now, I don't think I'm nearly comfortable enough to change my routine on the fly and I'd rather go out there and give what I think is my best stuff, regardless of reaction. Unless I bomb. I think if I ever bomb I might change my tune.
I'll take this moment to mention Matt Ruby. He's a New York comic who's been writing his blog for a few years and I've been reading his blog a lot since I started. If what I'm doing here ever ends up half as good as his page, that'd be fine by me. He also discusses the topic of tuning your set to the audience fairly often, including this post about a month ago: http://www.sandpapersuit.com/2009/05/adjusting-your-material-based-on-type.html
And now, back to packing. Or sleeping. Unfortunately not a combination of the two, because sleeppacking would be awesome. -Wake up- "Hey, everything's done! I must have packed it in my sleep!" -Self High Five-
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Baby Steps
So I performed at the ComedyWorks open mic last night, as you may have been aware of. I'd say there were about 40 or 50 people there including a small handful of friends. Here are my thoughts on the evening... in exciting PRO and CON point form!!!
CON - I didn't do as well as I wanted to. Not saying that I bombed or anything, but I thought I'd be better.
PRO - Most of my biggest laughs came towards the end and I finished pretty strong.
CON - It was my first time on the stage there and two things threw me off. Firstly, the mic stand sucked. Maybe it was just me and I haven't learned how to use them yet, but it took a while to adjust it to my height and it kept slipping down while I was doing my set. Eventually I just said "Screw this thing" and took the mic out. By then I was already flustered and it made me skip over a joke. Also, the lights were a lot brighter than other ones I'd been in front of. I could see the first row and a couple side tables, but that was it. Overall, I don't think I was ever really comfortable and it effected me the whole 5 minutes.
PRO - I tried out some new material that went over well.
CON - I tried out some new material that really did not go over well.
PRO - I think I've figured out how to adapt to a crowd. They seemed picky (my friends said it was a tough crowd, I kinda disagree) and didn't react to what I thought was a great joke. And that led into an extended bit on the same topic. If a crowd reacts poorly to that again, I could just skip over the bit and go with something else. In fact, I'll probably expand on this whole point about "bad crowds" and "playing to the crowd" in another post.
CON - I cracked noticeably at least once because I stumbled over a word during a new joke. I hate cracking. Ruins the deadpan.
Overall, it was probably okay for the first time at a new place, and for trying new material, and for being only the second time I've ever been on stage with a paying audience. I didn't quite live up to my expectations but that's part of the learning experience.
CON - I didn't do as well as I wanted to. Not saying that I bombed or anything, but I thought I'd be better.
PRO - Most of my biggest laughs came towards the end and I finished pretty strong.
CON - It was my first time on the stage there and two things threw me off. Firstly, the mic stand sucked. Maybe it was just me and I haven't learned how to use them yet, but it took a while to adjust it to my height and it kept slipping down while I was doing my set. Eventually I just said "Screw this thing" and took the mic out. By then I was already flustered and it made me skip over a joke. Also, the lights were a lot brighter than other ones I'd been in front of. I could see the first row and a couple side tables, but that was it. Overall, I don't think I was ever really comfortable and it effected me the whole 5 minutes.
PRO - I tried out some new material that went over well.
CON - I tried out some new material that really did not go over well.
PRO - I think I've figured out how to adapt to a crowd. They seemed picky (my friends said it was a tough crowd, I kinda disagree) and didn't react to what I thought was a great joke. And that led into an extended bit on the same topic. If a crowd reacts poorly to that again, I could just skip over the bit and go with something else. In fact, I'll probably expand on this whole point about "bad crowds" and "playing to the crowd" in another post.
CON - I cracked noticeably at least once because I stumbled over a word during a new joke. I hate cracking. Ruins the deadpan.
Overall, it was probably okay for the first time at a new place, and for trying new material, and for being only the second time I've ever been on stage with a paying audience. I didn't quite live up to my expectations but that's part of the learning experience.
Friday, June 19, 2009
TGIF
I'm just happy it's Friday... I've had a long week. Only 3 more hours to go at work... but I'll use some of this lunch hour to update.
The past two weeks have been largely uneventful. I haven't done any more shows since softball keeps getting in the way, but this Monday I'm gonna try to book myself for the open mic at ComedyWorks. I was able to make it this past week to support a couple classmates and the overall talent was better than I thought it'd be, and several pros came out to try new material.
There were about 8 amateurs doing 5 mintue sets and 4 or 5 pros so the night dragged on just a little. It was the first open mic I'd been to there, so I found out how they pick who returns for the Best Of at the end of the month. There's a ballot, and you rate each comic on a 1-to-5 scale, 5 being the best. It seems pretty easy to stack it in your favour if you bring a tonne of friends to the show. I'm tempted to not tell people when I'm performing there, as a real test.
The top two were announced as getting a spot for the show. One of which was my favourite of the night, some skinny kid who was all one-liners. The only criticism I had of him was this line "My friends think I have a gambling problem. I bet them $10 that I don't." Really? You're gonna use that? That joke doesn't even do the word "filler" justice. That's like saying "I threw a box of Corn Flakes out the window. I'm a cereal killer." However, the bulk of his stuff was very good. My two comrades had decent if unspectacular sets.
In this "downtime" I've been writing a fair bit. At least half of the stuff I'll be using on Monday will be new. Also, I know everyone is still waiting for the video. Trust me, I am too. And the guy who taped it is getting harassed by everyone else. It's coming and I'll post it the second I can.
The past two weeks have been largely uneventful. I haven't done any more shows since softball keeps getting in the way, but this Monday I'm gonna try to book myself for the open mic at ComedyWorks. I was able to make it this past week to support a couple classmates and the overall talent was better than I thought it'd be, and several pros came out to try new material.
There were about 8 amateurs doing 5 mintue sets and 4 or 5 pros so the night dragged on just a little. It was the first open mic I'd been to there, so I found out how they pick who returns for the Best Of at the end of the month. There's a ballot, and you rate each comic on a 1-to-5 scale, 5 being the best. It seems pretty easy to stack it in your favour if you bring a tonne of friends to the show. I'm tempted to not tell people when I'm performing there, as a real test.
The top two were announced as getting a spot for the show. One of which was my favourite of the night, some skinny kid who was all one-liners. The only criticism I had of him was this line "My friends think I have a gambling problem. I bet them $10 that I don't." Really? You're gonna use that? That joke doesn't even do the word "filler" justice. That's like saying "I threw a box of Corn Flakes out the window. I'm a cereal killer." However, the bulk of his stuff was very good. My two comrades had decent if unspectacular sets.
In this "downtime" I've been writing a fair bit. At least half of the stuff I'll be using on Monday will be new. Also, I know everyone is still waiting for the video. Trust me, I am too. And the guy who taped it is getting harassed by everyone else. It's coming and I'll post it the second I can.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Joey Elias' Comedy Course: In Retrospect
I just read over every post I've made about Joey's workshop. Back in February I really had no idea what I was signing up for and now almost 4 months later it's probably one of the best things I've ever done in my life. Having reflected on my show the past few days and gotten feedback from people, I know that this is something I can do, and more importantly, something I want to do.
After the show, a friend asked me "What's the greatest insight you got?" I was half buzzed from the alcohol, half buzzed from the high of being on stage, and I said "Fear is half the battle" and "Trust your gut" because I'm still kind of an idiot and they sounded like good answers. After thinking about it, I realized the one piece of advice I always thought of while I was trying to write was "Comedy is about misdirection. It's like magic, with wordplay." That's gotta be the thing that stuck the most. Every joke I've written, I've done so with the intention of surprising or even confusing the crowd.
I have also reconsidered my criticisms of the writing methods Joey taught us. I understand why he forced us to lock into our topics, since it really forced me to develop the jokes. Looking back on my notes, at least 75% of the jokes I had in, say Week 5, didn't make the cut on Sunday. The lesson I took was to never stop re-writing or trying to improve a topic you think you've exhausted. I still don't like how he taught us to choose topics out of negativity, but I can see how it's useful. Obviously, you're more likely to rant out of frustration than admiration. Although I was just thinking today about how awesome Vicks-scented Kleenex is. I could probably get a minute or two out of that.
I think I've also started to find my style. I always wanted to be deadpan but wasn't sure that I'd be able to have the writing ability to pull it off, or the facial discipline. I have yet to watch the tape, and I'm sure I was pretty close to cracking a few times, but the reviews have been good so far so I'll probably be continuing with the deadpan. I'm pretty happy about that.
What I really benefited from the course wasn't so much the writing tips, but the experience of being with other people who want to perform stand up comedy. This whole process has completely taken the intimidation out of what I'm doing. The thought of doing stand up comedy has always seemed a little crazy to me, and now I've found a group of people who don't think it's crazy at all. That support group alone is invaluable.
Also, after reading through everything I've written, I realized I might have been a little harsh on my classmates, either individually or as a collective. And for that, assuming some of them will eventually discover this blog whether I tell them about it or not, I apologize. Everything I wrote, I believed in at the time, but I've also realized that everyone is taking their own path at their own pace and will eventually get to where they want to be. Everyone had improved significantly towards the end of the workshop and we all had solid sets and got some laughs at the show. I truly hope to run into my comedy comrades often and am looking forward to witnessing everyone's comedic evolution. Each time I see any of them, it will remind me of our little workshop. This is only our beginning and the best of each of us is yet to come. And I absolutely realize how cheesy this last paragraph was but I mean every word of it and it needed to be said.
Overall, as much as the workshop was one of the best things I've ever decided to do, the show itself was one of the greatest experiences of my life. My thanks go out to anyone was a part of it.
And yes, I've been bombarded by requests to post the video. Trust me, no one wants it more than I do. The guy who taped it is gonna send us everything as soon as he's finished processing and editing it. Patience is a virtue. Once again, in the meantime, I've got some pictures from the show.
I also signed up for Twitter, which I gotta admit is a little cooler than I thought it'd be. The link should be on the right hand side of this page. I'll mostly be posting one liners and news about my blog or any shows I'll be doing.
After the show, a friend asked me "What's the greatest insight you got?" I was half buzzed from the alcohol, half buzzed from the high of being on stage, and I said "Fear is half the battle" and "Trust your gut" because I'm still kind of an idiot and they sounded like good answers. After thinking about it, I realized the one piece of advice I always thought of while I was trying to write was "Comedy is about misdirection. It's like magic, with wordplay." That's gotta be the thing that stuck the most. Every joke I've written, I've done so with the intention of surprising or even confusing the crowd.
I have also reconsidered my criticisms of the writing methods Joey taught us. I understand why he forced us to lock into our topics, since it really forced me to develop the jokes. Looking back on my notes, at least 75% of the jokes I had in, say Week 5, didn't make the cut on Sunday. The lesson I took was to never stop re-writing or trying to improve a topic you think you've exhausted. I still don't like how he taught us to choose topics out of negativity, but I can see how it's useful. Obviously, you're more likely to rant out of frustration than admiration. Although I was just thinking today about how awesome Vicks-scented Kleenex is. I could probably get a minute or two out of that.
I think I've also started to find my style. I always wanted to be deadpan but wasn't sure that I'd be able to have the writing ability to pull it off, or the facial discipline. I have yet to watch the tape, and I'm sure I was pretty close to cracking a few times, but the reviews have been good so far so I'll probably be continuing with the deadpan. I'm pretty happy about that.
What I really benefited from the course wasn't so much the writing tips, but the experience of being with other people who want to perform stand up comedy. This whole process has completely taken the intimidation out of what I'm doing. The thought of doing stand up comedy has always seemed a little crazy to me, and now I've found a group of people who don't think it's crazy at all. That support group alone is invaluable.
Also, after reading through everything I've written, I realized I might have been a little harsh on my classmates, either individually or as a collective. And for that, assuming some of them will eventually discover this blog whether I tell them about it or not, I apologize. Everything I wrote, I believed in at the time, but I've also realized that everyone is taking their own path at their own pace and will eventually get to where they want to be. Everyone had improved significantly towards the end of the workshop and we all had solid sets and got some laughs at the show. I truly hope to run into my comedy comrades often and am looking forward to witnessing everyone's comedic evolution. Each time I see any of them, it will remind me of our little workshop. This is only our beginning and the best of each of us is yet to come. And I absolutely realize how cheesy this last paragraph was but I mean every word of it and it needed to be said.
Overall, as much as the workshop was one of the best things I've ever decided to do, the show itself was one of the greatest experiences of my life. My thanks go out to anyone was a part of it.
And yes, I've been bombarded by requests to post the video. Trust me, no one wants it more than I do. The guy who taped it is gonna send us everything as soon as he's finished processing and editing it. Patience is a virtue. Once again, in the meantime, I've got some pictures from the show.
I also signed up for Twitter, which I gotta admit is a little cooler than I thought it'd be. The link should be on the right hand side of this page. I'll mostly be posting one liners and news about my blog or any shows I'll be doing.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Great Success!
Hey everyone... it's about 2 AM and I have to be up at 6:45 to go to work. I just finished my first show and then went out drinking to celebrate with everyone, so I'm just a little tipsy. And I can tell you that the evening was fantastic. I think the final tally was 18 performers doing 5 minutes. The MC was local comic Dan Bingham and Joey closed the show with a quick set. Everyone gave their best and the crowd reaction was more than positive. Personally, I'm very happy with my work and got some great comments from people throughout the night.
I must say, any doubts I had about giving an honest effort to be successful have been obliterated. There were cameras around and hopefully I'll be posting my set soon. Maybe it's the beer talking, but I am actually a little eager to show it off.
That closes the book on the Comedy Course by Joey Elias. From here on out, it's all me. I'll be posting a retrospect on the whole thing within the next couple days. All I know is, this ends the first chapter and the rest of the book is Choose-Your-Own-Adventure style. So really, who the hell knows. First of all, I gotta get some sleep.
I must say, any doubts I had about giving an honest effort to be successful have been obliterated. There were cameras around and hopefully I'll be posting my set soon. Maybe it's the beer talking, but I am actually a little eager to show it off.
That closes the book on the Comedy Course by Joey Elias. From here on out, it's all me. I'll be posting a retrospect on the whole thing within the next couple days. All I know is, this ends the first chapter and the rest of the book is Choose-Your-Own-Adventure style. So really, who the hell knows. First of all, I gotta get some sleep.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The Home Stretch
It's only a few more days until my class' graduation show and I'm feeling pretty good. Last Sunday was our last workshop and Joey couldn't make it, so the inmates ran the asylum. Those of us who showed up gave a quick run through of our sets and got a couple minutes extra to play around with anything else we've been working on. No pressure or critiquing, just some stage time and listening to everyones jokes for the eighth time.
I wasn't actually planning on performing that night. I thought there would be a lot more socializing and hanging out, but everyone else was pretty eager to rehearse one more time. Towards the end someone asked how many people were left and my name was thrown out there, so I just went with it. I wasn't really prepared and while I think it showed a little, I didn't really screw anything up. I might have even been more relaxed than usual because I thought to myself, "Ah fuck it. Let's see what happens." once I was coaxed on stage. I also threw out a few one liners I'd written and they actually went over very well. I definitely know what I'll be closing with now. Afterwards someone said to me "So, you're doing Steven Wright stuff now?" I wouldn't go quite that far, but it was a nice comment.
Also of note, I still haven't hit an open mic. I was going to today, but seems like I miscalculated how quickly those nights get booked up. Oops. On the bright side, this fulfills my desire to have my first real performance be in front of a packed club. Looks like I'm going big, or going home.
I wasn't actually planning on performing that night. I thought there would be a lot more socializing and hanging out, but everyone else was pretty eager to rehearse one more time. Towards the end someone asked how many people were left and my name was thrown out there, so I just went with it. I wasn't really prepared and while I think it showed a little, I didn't really screw anything up. I might have even been more relaxed than usual because I thought to myself, "Ah fuck it. Let's see what happens." once I was coaxed on stage. I also threw out a few one liners I'd written and they actually went over very well. I definitely know what I'll be closing with now. Afterwards someone said to me "So, you're doing Steven Wright stuff now?" I wouldn't go quite that far, but it was a nice comment.
Also of note, I still haven't hit an open mic. I was going to today, but seems like I miscalculated how quickly those nights get booked up. Oops. On the bright side, this fulfills my desire to have my first real performance be in front of a packed club. Looks like I'm going big, or going home.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
One-on-one with Joey Elias
I had my alone time with Joey on Sunday and 10 minutes wasn't nearly enough time to get into everything I wanted to. After very little critiquing about my set, we started talking about any random thoughts on comedy that I had. There were other people waiting to chat though, so we had to wrap it up. He said I could email him any time if I have questions, but it's not nearly the same as a free flowing dialogue. Once I started asking about one liners and talking about the whole experience of taking the class, I really wanted to just sit there and keep going.
On the topic of my material, he really didn't have any negative stuff to say, which I guess I'll finally accept as a good thing. He noted how my character on stage is very even-keeled, with a touch of sarcasm. That's pretty much just an extension of me, so I've got the "be yourself" bases covered. He also said that I've got some good similes and that I could be probably be a little edgier, at least, that's the natural evolution he sees in what I'm doing.
He also remarked that I seemed comfortable on stage, when in reality there's still a several moments when I'm not. He gave me a quick tip on microphone technique that I'll probably use and also compared the stage to a batters box, since I was wearing my Expos hat. He said not to start your set until your comfortable and in your stance. Don't just walk up and start talking as you get to the mic. Have the ump call time, get set and go when you're ready.
I told him I was expecting a little harsher criticism after he told us all he'd revert to Simon Cowell mode. He said that honestly, he didn't think I needed it and suggested maybe going to an open mic before the show. I still haven't been to one yet, and even though I know I should, I also wanted to take my driving test without taking any lessons. I like the idea of it being my first time in front of a paying audience. But then afterwards while talking with some classmates, I agreed to hit an open mic the Wednesday before our show with a couple people.
I also discovered a week ago that my softball schedule revolves around Sunday, Monday and Wednesday nights. Mondays and Wednesdays are the nights of the two major open mics in town. I'll have to pull off some fancy time management if I want to fit in everything I want to this summer.
On the topic of my material, he really didn't have any negative stuff to say, which I guess I'll finally accept as a good thing. He noted how my character on stage is very even-keeled, with a touch of sarcasm. That's pretty much just an extension of me, so I've got the "be yourself" bases covered. He also said that I've got some good similes and that I could be probably be a little edgier, at least, that's the natural evolution he sees in what I'm doing.
He also remarked that I seemed comfortable on stage, when in reality there's still a several moments when I'm not. He gave me a quick tip on microphone technique that I'll probably use and also compared the stage to a batters box, since I was wearing my Expos hat. He said not to start your set until your comfortable and in your stance. Don't just walk up and start talking as you get to the mic. Have the ump call time, get set and go when you're ready.
I told him I was expecting a little harsher criticism after he told us all he'd revert to Simon Cowell mode. He said that honestly, he didn't think I needed it and suggested maybe going to an open mic before the show. I still haven't been to one yet, and even though I know I should, I also wanted to take my driving test without taking any lessons. I like the idea of it being my first time in front of a paying audience. But then afterwards while talking with some classmates, I agreed to hit an open mic the Wednesday before our show with a couple people.
I also discovered a week ago that my softball schedule revolves around Sunday, Monday and Wednesday nights. Mondays and Wednesdays are the nights of the two major open mics in town. I'll have to pull off some fancy time management if I want to fit in everything I want to this summer.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
The Art of Moviewatching
A friend and I were arguing about whether it's okay to see a movie alone. He routinely goes to the theater by himself and can't fathom how anyone thinks this is a strange thing. Most other people think that seeing a movie by yourself is just plain wrong. "Why do you need someone to see a movie? Do you need someone at home when you watch a movie? You get your popcorn, your Nestle Iced Tea and you enjoy the movie. It's the most natural thing in the world." He makes a good point... or does he?
I actually fall somewhere in the middle of the argument. I probably could see a movie alone. In fact, I once did. A few years ago I found myself downtown with a couple hours to kill before meeting friends. So I decided to see a movie by myself. Jurassic Park 3. And I couldn't help but feel ashamed while I sat there all alone. As did everyone else. The movie was that bad. But in a more accurate way, I had more to feel ashamed of. I had no one to lean over to during the previews and say "I can't believe they made a sequel to that!" or to repeat all my favourite lines during the movie immediately after hearing them.
Aside from the awkward factor, it's a terrible waste of space. You're essentially taking up 3 seats all to yourself. No one will ever sit beside a stranger in a theater unless absolutely necessary. So if you're on your own, that's really 3 seats you're taking up. In other words, you're using only 33% of your socially allotted space. Also to take into consideration is the fact that you're likely to be given more than a 1 seat buffer by anyone in your row. Either they'll assume you have a friend in the lobby or they don't want to sit near the loser who's by himself out of fear you'll start talking to them or, heaven forbid, the movie itself. Of course, the more people in your group, the more efficient your space ratio becomes. For example, a group of 6 people works at a fantastic 75% clip. The only respectable option for a solo viewer is to take an aisle seat. Its benefits are two fold: a) You are taking up the same percentage of seats as a couple and b) You can make a bee line to the exit once the movie's over, to avoid eye contact with anyone who figured out you have no friends.
And then, when you walk out of the theater, you run into someone you know coming out of another movie that just finished. You exchange pleasantries until she asks what movie you saw. You say "Fast & Furious". She laughs nervously and asks who you managed to drag to that. You tell her you saw it alone. She once again laughs nervously. There's an uncomfortable pause... and then she abruptly says she'll see you around.
That's why we don't see movies alone.
I actually fall somewhere in the middle of the argument. I probably could see a movie alone. In fact, I once did. A few years ago I found myself downtown with a couple hours to kill before meeting friends. So I decided to see a movie by myself. Jurassic Park 3. And I couldn't help but feel ashamed while I sat there all alone. As did everyone else. The movie was that bad. But in a more accurate way, I had more to feel ashamed of. I had no one to lean over to during the previews and say "I can't believe they made a sequel to that!" or to repeat all my favourite lines during the movie immediately after hearing them.
Aside from the awkward factor, it's a terrible waste of space. You're essentially taking up 3 seats all to yourself. No one will ever sit beside a stranger in a theater unless absolutely necessary. So if you're on your own, that's really 3 seats you're taking up. In other words, you're using only 33% of your socially allotted space. Also to take into consideration is the fact that you're likely to be given more than a 1 seat buffer by anyone in your row. Either they'll assume you have a friend in the lobby or they don't want to sit near the loser who's by himself out of fear you'll start talking to them or, heaven forbid, the movie itself. Of course, the more people in your group, the more efficient your space ratio becomes. For example, a group of 6 people works at a fantastic 75% clip. The only respectable option for a solo viewer is to take an aisle seat. Its benefits are two fold: a) You are taking up the same percentage of seats as a couple and b) You can make a bee line to the exit once the movie's over, to avoid eye contact with anyone who figured out you have no friends.
And then, when you walk out of the theater, you run into someone you know coming out of another movie that just finished. You exchange pleasantries until she asks what movie you saw. You say "Fast & Furious". She laughs nervously and asks who you managed to drag to that. You tell her you saw it alone. She once again laughs nervously. There's an uncomfortable pause... and then she abruptly says she'll see you around.
That's why we don't see movies alone.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The camera puts on 10 pounds...
...and makes everything less funny.
As I mentioned before, last class there was someone who taped everyone's set. And a couple days ago I finally got to watch myself on stage. It was moderately painful. I have very little experience performing in front of a camera. (That's what she said.) Amateur, would be the word that comes to mind. To make matters worse, there were only 20 people in the club and they'd all heard different variations of my set for the past month and a half. Since we've all heard each others material several times now, our workshops have taken on the context of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. "Hi. My name is Jesse and I haven't told a joke in 3 weeks." And at the end everyone claps and says "Good job. That was nice."
I suppose the reactions were basically what I'd heard on the audio I'd recorded myself, but it just looks worse when you can tell how terrible the atmosphere was. It looks like someone performing at a real club with no one there and fewer laughs, even for the good stuff. Someone commented on their video "This is my impression of doing stand-up for the hearing impaired."
The one thing I really wasn't happy with was my stage presence. I need to work on that. I can't put my finger on it yet, but I just looked too cautious, like I was trying not to break something. I thought I was comfortable on stage but it doesn't show. I'll figure it out.
And I'm sorry for not actually posting the video, but I'm not nearly ready to show it. I want the first video of myself posted here to be my first show in front of a real audience. Hopefully it'll also stand alone as something I'd be want to post regardless. Once I've got a few videos under my belt, I'll put it up and you can all bask in my humble beginnings.
Countdown to the show... T-Minus 19 Days...
As I mentioned before, last class there was someone who taped everyone's set. And a couple days ago I finally got to watch myself on stage. It was moderately painful. I have very little experience performing in front of a camera. (That's what she said.) Amateur, would be the word that comes to mind. To make matters worse, there were only 20 people in the club and they'd all heard different variations of my set for the past month and a half. Since we've all heard each others material several times now, our workshops have taken on the context of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. "Hi. My name is Jesse and I haven't told a joke in 3 weeks." And at the end everyone claps and says "Good job. That was nice."
I suppose the reactions were basically what I'd heard on the audio I'd recorded myself, but it just looks worse when you can tell how terrible the atmosphere was. It looks like someone performing at a real club with no one there and fewer laughs, even for the good stuff. Someone commented on their video "This is my impression of doing stand-up for the hearing impaired."
The one thing I really wasn't happy with was my stage presence. I need to work on that. I can't put my finger on it yet, but I just looked too cautious, like I was trying not to break something. I thought I was comfortable on stage but it doesn't show. I'll figure it out.
And I'm sorry for not actually posting the video, but I'm not nearly ready to show it. I want the first video of myself posted here to be my first show in front of a real audience. Hopefully it'll also stand alone as something I'd be want to post regardless. Once I've got a few videos under my belt, I'll put it up and you can all bask in my humble beginnings.
Countdown to the show... T-Minus 19 Days...
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
New & Improved!
I don't know if anyone's noticed, but my blog's address has been www.promisenottolaugh.com for a week or so now. My awesome sister bought me the domain for my birthday. Thanks Sheree!
And because of the change to an actual domain, I thought I should at least try to put a little bit of a personal touch on the page while I try to figure out exactly what I'm gonna do with it. I figure now it's a little snazzier than the boring BlogSpot template I was using. I mean, it's still a boring BlogSpot template, but now it has a colour scheme and a banner I made all by myself! I can also write "boobs" on my calculator!
I'm sure there'll be a much more thorough overhaul in the future. Consider this version 1.1 with a 2.0 in the works. The black and yellow scheme simply means "Under Construction".
And because of the change to an actual domain, I thought I should at least try to put a little bit of a personal touch on the page while I try to figure out exactly what I'm gonna do with it. I figure now it's a little snazzier than the boring BlogSpot template I was using. I mean, it's still a boring BlogSpot template, but now it has a colour scheme and a banner I made all by myself! I can also write "boobs" on my calculator!
I'm sure there'll be a much more thorough overhaul in the future. Consider this version 1.1 with a 2.0 in the works. The black and yellow scheme simply means "Under Construction".
Monday, May 4, 2009
Week 7
Last night, after almost exactly a month off, I had a comedy workshop. It was fairly uneventful, but I did have a fun little encounter on the way there. More on that later.
I spent most of the afternoon before the class fine tuning my material and rehearsing it over and over. It was probably the most I'd concentrated on my work since I started. After such a long hiatus, I wanted to return with a bit of a bang. We needed between 4 and 5 minutes of material and after working on it for a couple months, I figured it should be getting pretty close to what we're going to perform. And I also tried something I'd never thought of before. I brought my tape recorder and hit record before taking the stage. I can't believe I never thought of something that simple before. Just goes to show that even though I'm learning, I'm still an idiot.
Having listened back to my set a few times, it's amazing the things you don't notice when you're on stage. Sometimes the tone of my voice isn't even close to what I think it should be. Other times there's scattered laughter where I really don't remember there being any and vice versa. I've picked up a couple words that I need to pronounce a little better and words I should emphasize more. I think I learned more by recording myself, with an audience, than anything else I've done so far.
After my set I got the usual thumbs up from Joey. His only criticism this time was that I was playing with the mic cord. Each time I've gone up I've done something different with the mic. This time I put the stand aside and realized I was playing with the cord a little while I was doing it. I was just trying to get comfortable when I wasn't using my other hand. Apparently that's not a good thing. Oh well. I'll keep it in mind.
I'm also glad to report that there was a very noticeable improvement in practically everyone else in the workshop. It had been a month since I'd seen them and it was obvious we had all been practicing and honing our routine. That was really nice to see. Even the people I thought would really struggle have started coming into their own.
Someone also took pictures and recorded our sets on a video camera. I think we'll get a DVD copy next workshop. Here's a picture of me in the meantime...
Next week is, sigh, another off week because of Mother's Day. Then it's two more workshops and the big show. On the 17th we're getting some one-on-one time with Joey, which I'm really looking forward to. He hasn't been very specific or critical of anything I've done and I've never known quite how to take that. Getting a good 10 minutes alone to just pick his brain on everything I have is gonna be fun. He warned us that he'll be playing the role of Simon Cowell. I think I need a good kick in the ass. My jokes are decent, but I still think it needs a lot of work.
Now, here's what happened on the way there. I'd been psyching myself up all afternoon and was really in the zone when I got off the bus a block away from the club. For anyone who knows Montreal, it was the corner of Sherbrooke and Atwater. And then I heard someone yell "Excuse me! Excuse me, can you please help me?" from the bus shelter. It was an older lady in distress. She was sitting on the bench and holding crutches. Being the good samaritan, I walked over to see if I could lend her a hand.
Lady: "Oh, sir! Please help me! I've, I've lost a contact lens. And... I was just dropped off here and I don't have my transport pass... Can you believe someone did this to me? I'm a student at McGill, I'm in psychology! I've never even heard of anything like this! I'm sorry if I start crying..."
Jesse: "I'm sorry ma'am, is there anything I can do?"
She was clearly in need of help but also very insane. I thought she'd just ask for money, I could say no and walk away.
Lady: "I need to get somewhere by 7... is it 7 PM yet? Oh god, I can't believe this... can you help me to the corner and help me hail a ride?"
Jesse: "Oh, sure. Like a cab?"
Lady: "No, no, I don't have any money... I'm sure someone will help me, I mean, look at me, how could anyone do this? I'm a PhD student!"
Jesse: "Uh, alright, I can do that."
So she stands up very slowly. I put my arm under hers very slowly and she shuffles towards the corner of the street very slowly. But not without criticizing how I'm helping her. "You don't have to hold me up you know, I can stand just find! Just keep your arm under mine! You're taller than me, it hurts if you try to hold me up!" Alright then.
She asks a man walking by us if he's driving anywhere. He says no, he's walking. She yells him the rest of her story for no particular reason while he keeps walking away. Yup. Definitely crazy.
We get to the corner and she asks me to tap the window of a car that is stopped at the light. She yells at them giving her spiel about losing the contact lens and not having a bus pass. They say no and laugh as they drive off. "Did you see that? Those fucking assholes were laughing? Who would laugh at me? They think it's funny... what if it happened to them? Can you fucking believe that?"
At this point I'm starting to get a little impatient. It's 7:05 PM and all I can think of is a way to get out of this without basically dropping this old lady onto the sidewalk. Then a man comes over to me...
Man: "Hey, let me guess, she said she lives in the West Island and she needs money to get home? I gave her $20 last week and have seen her at this corner twice since then. Don't give her anything."
Lady: "Who the fuck are you? I've never seen you before in my life! Don't lie to him, he's just helping me! Look at me, they left me here like this and I lost a contact lens!"
Man: "Dude, just so you know, she's scamming you."
Jesse: "Thanks, I'll be fine."
Lady: "I've never seen that man before, why would he say that to you? Fucking asshole, trying to scare you away like that."
And now, a police car stops at the red light...
Jesse: "Oh look, a police car, they ca-"
Lady: "NO! No, don't even look at them! Don't fucking look at them or get their attention!"
Jesse: [trying not to smile] "Why? They can probably help."
Lady: "No, they'll arrest me."
Jesse: [laughing] "Why?"
Lady: "Because, it's illegal in Montreal to ask for a ride."
Jesse: [stiffling laughter] "Well, under these circumstances I think they could make an excep-"
Lady: [angry] "NO! Please, please do not look at them. Just forget them."
The next car I stop again drives away, but this time I try to take over the talking. She does not like that.
Lady: "Can I ask you something? Please DO NOT talk to them! You'll scare them away, they'll think it's a scam!"
Jesse: "Actually, I think they'd listen to me more than you."
Lady: "No, they'll think we're related and that it's a scam! Please, please, please, don't say anything!"
Jesse : "But you're clearly frustrated and distraught, I think it'd hel-"
Lady: "DON'T TALK TO THEM!"
Jesse: [laughing a little again] "I'll try not to."
By this point, it's been over 10 minutes and my arm is still under hers. As badly as I wanted to get the hell out of there, I couldn't bring myself to just leave her in hysterics, barely able to stand on the corner of the sidewalk. And then a car stops at the red, but in the lane furthest away from us. She asks if I can run across to tap his window so she could talk. She says she'll be fine if I leave her standing there. Free! Free at last!
I run across to the guy, tap the window and start mentally planning my apology to her for leaving when he drives away. But no. This guy actually says he'll help. So he pulls across the lane, cutting through traffic now that the light is green, nearly causing an accident right beside me. He opens the passenger door and I help load her into the car. Meanwhile at least two cars are honking behind him and each time there's a honk, she yells and swears at them.
Just as I close the door, she thanks me and says "You know, if I was in Ottawa the first person would have picked me up!". And the driver immediately says "I am from Ottawa!". I closed the door and walked away briskly while hearing the car peel through the intersection on a yellow light.
I walked into class 15 minutes late and had completely forgotten my entire set. Fucking Ottawa.
I spent most of the afternoon before the class fine tuning my material and rehearsing it over and over. It was probably the most I'd concentrated on my work since I started. After such a long hiatus, I wanted to return with a bit of a bang. We needed between 4 and 5 minutes of material and after working on it for a couple months, I figured it should be getting pretty close to what we're going to perform. And I also tried something I'd never thought of before. I brought my tape recorder and hit record before taking the stage. I can't believe I never thought of something that simple before. Just goes to show that even though I'm learning, I'm still an idiot.
Having listened back to my set a few times, it's amazing the things you don't notice when you're on stage. Sometimes the tone of my voice isn't even close to what I think it should be. Other times there's scattered laughter where I really don't remember there being any and vice versa. I've picked up a couple words that I need to pronounce a little better and words I should emphasize more. I think I learned more by recording myself, with an audience, than anything else I've done so far.
After my set I got the usual thumbs up from Joey. His only criticism this time was that I was playing with the mic cord. Each time I've gone up I've done something different with the mic. This time I put the stand aside and realized I was playing with the cord a little while I was doing it. I was just trying to get comfortable when I wasn't using my other hand. Apparently that's not a good thing. Oh well. I'll keep it in mind.
I'm also glad to report that there was a very noticeable improvement in practically everyone else in the workshop. It had been a month since I'd seen them and it was obvious we had all been practicing and honing our routine. That was really nice to see. Even the people I thought would really struggle have started coming into their own.
Someone also took pictures and recorded our sets on a video camera. I think we'll get a DVD copy next workshop. Here's a picture of me in the meantime...
Next week is, sigh, another off week because of Mother's Day. Then it's two more workshops and the big show. On the 17th we're getting some one-on-one time with Joey, which I'm really looking forward to. He hasn't been very specific or critical of anything I've done and I've never known quite how to take that. Getting a good 10 minutes alone to just pick his brain on everything I have is gonna be fun. He warned us that he'll be playing the role of Simon Cowell. I think I need a good kick in the ass. My jokes are decent, but I still think it needs a lot of work.
Now, here's what happened on the way there. I'd been psyching myself up all afternoon and was really in the zone when I got off the bus a block away from the club. For anyone who knows Montreal, it was the corner of Sherbrooke and Atwater. And then I heard someone yell "Excuse me! Excuse me, can you please help me?" from the bus shelter. It was an older lady in distress. She was sitting on the bench and holding crutches. Being the good samaritan, I walked over to see if I could lend her a hand.
Lady: "Oh, sir! Please help me! I've, I've lost a contact lens. And... I was just dropped off here and I don't have my transport pass... Can you believe someone did this to me? I'm a student at McGill, I'm in psychology! I've never even heard of anything like this! I'm sorry if I start crying..."
Jesse: "I'm sorry ma'am, is there anything I can do?"
She was clearly in need of help but also very insane. I thought she'd just ask for money, I could say no and walk away.
Lady: "I need to get somewhere by 7... is it 7 PM yet? Oh god, I can't believe this... can you help me to the corner and help me hail a ride?"
Jesse: "Oh, sure. Like a cab?"
Lady: "No, no, I don't have any money... I'm sure someone will help me, I mean, look at me, how could anyone do this? I'm a PhD student!"
Jesse: "Uh, alright, I can do that."
So she stands up very slowly. I put my arm under hers very slowly and she shuffles towards the corner of the street very slowly. But not without criticizing how I'm helping her. "You don't have to hold me up you know, I can stand just find! Just keep your arm under mine! You're taller than me, it hurts if you try to hold me up!" Alright then.
She asks a man walking by us if he's driving anywhere. He says no, he's walking. She yells him the rest of her story for no particular reason while he keeps walking away. Yup. Definitely crazy.
We get to the corner and she asks me to tap the window of a car that is stopped at the light. She yells at them giving her spiel about losing the contact lens and not having a bus pass. They say no and laugh as they drive off. "Did you see that? Those fucking assholes were laughing? Who would laugh at me? They think it's funny... what if it happened to them? Can you fucking believe that?"
At this point I'm starting to get a little impatient. It's 7:05 PM and all I can think of is a way to get out of this without basically dropping this old lady onto the sidewalk. Then a man comes over to me...
Man: "Hey, let me guess, she said she lives in the West Island and she needs money to get home? I gave her $20 last week and have seen her at this corner twice since then. Don't give her anything."
Lady: "Who the fuck are you? I've never seen you before in my life! Don't lie to him, he's just helping me! Look at me, they left me here like this and I lost a contact lens!"
Man: "Dude, just so you know, she's scamming you."
Jesse: "Thanks, I'll be fine."
Lady: "I've never seen that man before, why would he say that to you? Fucking asshole, trying to scare you away like that."
And now, a police car stops at the red light...
Jesse: "Oh look, a police car, they ca-"
Lady: "NO! No, don't even look at them! Don't fucking look at them or get their attention!"
Jesse: [trying not to smile] "Why? They can probably help."
Lady: "No, they'll arrest me."
Jesse: [laughing] "Why?"
Lady: "Because, it's illegal in Montreal to ask for a ride."
Jesse: [stiffling laughter] "Well, under these circumstances I think they could make an excep-"
Lady: [angry] "NO! Please, please do not look at them. Just forget them."
The next car I stop again drives away, but this time I try to take over the talking. She does not like that.
Lady: "Can I ask you something? Please DO NOT talk to them! You'll scare them away, they'll think it's a scam!"
Jesse: "Actually, I think they'd listen to me more than you."
Lady: "No, they'll think we're related and that it's a scam! Please, please, please, don't say anything!"
Jesse : "But you're clearly frustrated and distraught, I think it'd hel-"
Lady: "DON'T TALK TO THEM!"
Jesse: [laughing a little again] "I'll try not to."
By this point, it's been over 10 minutes and my arm is still under hers. As badly as I wanted to get the hell out of there, I couldn't bring myself to just leave her in hysterics, barely able to stand on the corner of the sidewalk. And then a car stops at the red, but in the lane furthest away from us. She asks if I can run across to tap his window so she could talk. She says she'll be fine if I leave her standing there. Free! Free at last!
I run across to the guy, tap the window and start mentally planning my apology to her for leaving when he drives away. But no. This guy actually says he'll help. So he pulls across the lane, cutting through traffic now that the light is green, nearly causing an accident right beside me. He opens the passenger door and I help load her into the car. Meanwhile at least two cars are honking behind him and each time there's a honk, she yells and swears at them.
Just as I close the door, she thanks me and says "You know, if I was in Ottawa the first person would have picked me up!". And the driver immediately says "I am from Ottawa!". I closed the door and walked away briskly while hearing the car peel through the intersection on a yellow light.
I walked into class 15 minutes late and had completely forgotten my entire set. Fucking Ottawa.
Friday, May 1, 2009
One-Liners
I've always had a soft spot for comedians who go up and just fire off one-liners. Demetri Martin is growing more popular by the minute. Anthony Jeselnik still seems to be relatively unknown, but that can't last much longer. Rodney Dangerfield would have gotten no respect at all if it weren't for one-liners.
I believe it was Shakespeare that once said "Brevity is the soul of wit." Having read his work, I don't think he practiced what he preached, but he was on to something. A one-liner may be the ultimate form of stand-up comedy, if not the purest. To get a laugh out of a single, stand alone sentence can't be topped, in my opinion. They might not have quite the same payoff as a longer story with a huge punchline, but one-liners are often the jokes that you remember afterward. They'll get repeated amongst friends and quoted.
I believe it was Shakespeare that once said "Brevity is the soul of wit." Having read his work, I don't think he practiced what he preached, but he was on to something. A one-liner may be the ultimate form of stand-up comedy, if not the purest. To get a laugh out of a single, stand alone sentence can't be topped, in my opinion. They might not have quite the same payoff as a longer story with a huge punchline, but one-liners are often the jokes that you remember afterward. They'll get repeated amongst friends and quoted.
Since I've started writing the past couple months, I've been trying to come up with a few of my own and it's effing hard. All together I've written about 12-15 that are ready to go, with a few that probably need some major tweaking. And today, I wrote one that I think is my best so far. Because of my obsession with this, I'm finding it hard to concentrate on the work I've already developed for our show. All I'm thinking about is adding new ones to the list. Once I've got 5 minutes worth, I'll give them a shot and see if they get the reactions I feel they should. Might as well try everything to see what feels right.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
April 22nd, 2006
This is the running diary of my 25th birthday party. I left it pretty much as is, aside from a few small changes. The postscript at the end was written then as well. I hope it amuses.
6:54 PM - Stop by the bank to take out some money, just in case my cheapskate friends don't pay for me. Man, my friends suck.
6:56 PM - Holy shit... I have significantly more money than I remembered having. Mr Account Balance got me an early present. Either that or Revenue Qubec is processing taxes at an astonishing rate. I suspect the latter.
7:00 PM - Get to Sharx Pool Hall right in time for Game 1 of the Montreal Canadiens vs Carolina Hurricanes. Sister Sheree and Brother Bobby are the only ones there so far. No worries. I'm sure everyone's just warming up and getting ready to leave. Stretching... jogging on the spot... that kinda stuff.
7:11 PM - Matt Cullen scores for the Hurricanes. Less than a minute into the game. Wonderful.
7:20 PM - Bobby: "You just know that some really marginal acquaintance is going to show up first while it's just Sheree and I here. It's gonna be so awkward. I can't wait."
7:30 PM - Like always, Bobby is wrong. Jen and Nancy show up first. We switch tables to somewhere right beside a TV.
8:00 PM - My dad shows up to play a few quick games, says he's gonna teach us what real pool is like. Gives me $50 and says I can keep it if I beat him. And you people wonder why my brother and I are obsessively competitive.
8:01 PM - So my dad's pretty good.
8:03 PM - Alright. I'll get him in the rematch.
(Just to fill you in... according to family lore, my dad was quite the pool hustler in his youth. My grandfather used to hang out at the bar my dad played at because he'd never have to pay for a beer, he'd simply bet on him or my dad would pay the tab with his winnings. He's got a few trophies lying around the house too. I don't remember him being that good when I was a kid, but he obviously went easy on me... and neglected to teach me how to be half as good as him.)
8:10 PM - Tara and Janice show up. So we've got my father, brother, sister, girlfriend, girlfriend's sister... then friend and someone I've never met from Pittsburgh. And here's where I have to make sure they don't think they're walking in on a family reunion. In the background my brother sinks maybe 3 balls in the game against dad. I've got one more match before he has to go.
8:15 PM - After once again clearing off the table, Dad scratches on the eight ball on the easiest shot he had. I seriously question the legitimacy of that shot. My dad walks up to me as I try to hand back the $50 because he took a dive. Without breaking stride he shakes my hand, says "Happy birthday, kid." with a huge smile on his face and walks to the exit. This infuriates me for an instant, before I am quickly cheered up by the fact I'm $50 richer.
8:20 PM - Shane shows up by sneaking up behind me with some girl who I can only assume is a present for my birthday.
8:21 PM - Nope. Apparently they are quite cozy together and are off to go bowling.
8:30 PM - Game update: Habs are winning at this point by at least a couple of goals. Good times, everyone's happy and the TV we're watching is on RDS. Everyone else in the bar is on CBC. Our feed is about 5 seconds faster than theirs, thus we get to cheer for goals first. Suckers.
8:35 PM - Gainer and Tasha walk in. Things are starting to pick up. More food and drinks are ordered and we have a merry time watching the game and playing pool for the next hour and a half. During this time Bobby and Sheree leave, meaning I no longer have to be a role model. In the industry, we call this foreshadowing.
10:00 PM - Habs won, Sharx is done, off to a good pub, Hurley's. Shane and his girl leave us, off to do whatever it is they do.
10:10 PM - We get to Hurley's and grab a room to the left of the bar with plenty of seats and open tables. Only a group of four men are smoking cigars in the corner, but they seem friendly.
10:15 PM - Conversation flowing well... everyone getting along... getting some calls from people saying they'll show up soon. Everything is falling into place.
10:30 PM - The first shots are starting to come in. I specifically request vodka for the evening and Nancy obliges with a shot and a pint of Harp. There's not many good things to say about Nancy, but she does know her alcohol.
10:45 PM - Brad, Duke and Jason show up while Gainer leaves. Decent trade, although our crew is now sorely lacking narcolepsy.
10:50 PM - Matt arrives, followed quickly by Mazzy. Getting a little heavy on the guys right now.
10:53 PM - Tasha leaves and Marc shows up, not necessarily in that order. On one hand, the ratio is getting worse... on the other, Marc buys me a shot. Wait... I'm not sure if either of those are good things.
10:54 PM - Whiskey? Fuck you, Marc. I want vodka.
11:00 PM - Sandy and Amanda arrive to give the group a sorely needed kick of estrogen. They grab the seats right in the middle of everyone and cautiously glance around the room, not sure what they have gotten themselves into.
11:15 PM - A very heated debate breaks out about who would win in an Iron Chef competition between Marc (an actual chef) and I. For the moment, I'll admit that I'm a long shot and that Marc is the Iron Chef, but I think I can pull off an upset. Jen shotguns Chairman, while Marc and I decide on Duke, Tara and Brad as judges. Mazzy even volunteers to tape the proceedings. The theme ingredient is momentarily decided as ketchup but that is later rescinded. Once the logistics are seriously considered, it becomes clear that the chances of this happening are slim. (Although, Jen seems determined to set this up.) [Editor's note: The Iron Chef competition actually happened a while later and I had to forfeit due to illness the day of. Do not bring this up while in my presence.]
11:20 PM - Jon, Ferguson, Obie and Rakish enter the fray. Ferguson immediately orders shots. Whiskey again. Alright, at least my friends aren't cheapskates.
11:45 PM - Jon's girlfriend Myrle makes her debut along with two friends, one of whom I think was named Lindsay. Maybe the other is Rachel. To be honest, I think I could rattle off at least 20 names before I get either of them right. Sadly, I don't think I said a word to any of them other than "Nice to meet you" and "Thanks for coming" a while later. I guess there's always next year.
12:00 AM - A surprise appearance by my godwife Caro. Sandy apparently knows her because they are both from the West Island and play sports. Good for them.
12:15 AM - Someone: "Who wants to play darts?"
Jesse: "I do! I do!"
Nobody: "That's a great idea! I'm gonna go watch!"
Everyone: [dead silence]
12:20 AM - Playing an odd game of darts with Marc, Nancy and Caro. First one to hit 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 and a Bullseye wins.
12:21 AM - Tanya and Stef join the celebration. Marc and I leave the game to greet them and ask about the Badfish (Sublime tribute band) concert they were coming from. Stef had a few recordings on her cell but the sound quality left much to be desired. I couldn't tell a single song. Or maybe I was getting drunk. Nancy and Caro continue playing...
12:30 AM - Nancy and Caro are still playing and not done the game. Some guy named Mitch is taking shots for Nancy and trying to teach her how to throw. I rejoin the game, hit a bullseye and claim that I'll finish the game in 5 minutes and for everyone to set their watch.
12:36 AM - Game over. I win. I was told it was more than 5 minutes but I'll be damned if it was much more than that.
12:45 AM - Tara and Janice call it a night. In a stroke of pure genius, I slap Tara's ass on the way out. She spins around and inquires about who spanked her. I don't think it could be much clearer that it's the drunk guy grinning like an idiot. Marc points to Duke. Duke points to random man. Random Man: "Yeah. It was me." I keel over laughing and walk away. Word of mouth is that Tara tried to kick random guy in the nuts. Duke offers to buy him a drink but apparently he had a sense of humour about it.
1:00 AM - Jen leaves because she's not feeling well. Boooo-urns. She asks if I'm still doing alright. I reassure her that I'm fine, haven't had too much to drink and I'll see her when I get home. After she walks out I get a nagging suspicion that she didn't believe me... Nah.
1:10 AM - Chugging commences. Or at least, I think it was around here that I started chugging semi-competitively.
1:30 AM - Matt pulls my chair out from under me. I hit my head on the floor. Jerk.
1:30-1:45 AM - I miss several chairs which were not pulled out from under me and drink whatever I get my hands on. At least that's what I am told. The end is near.
1:50 AM - I start challenging anyone in the room to chug with me, eventually heading over to the guys in the corner, including Mitch, the dude who was playing darts. He says he'll chug with me but our beers are uneven. I try to even them out to no avail when he asks if I really want to do this because he was in the army or something. I yell out something along the lines of "Hey everyone! Mr. Kosovo thinks he can drink more than me!" before questioning his military authenticity by telling him he can't do pushups. He starts doing pushups. I either hit him with a chair, sat on him, or both. Instead of kicking my ass, he seems amused.
1:52 AM - In all confusion following the pushups, I decide it'd be fun to throw a closed umbrella clear across the room at Jason. Maybe 10 or 20 feet tops. It hits the table and wipes out everything on it. Strike... and strike.
1:55 AM - The bouncer comes in and demands to know who threw the umbrella and tells us all to leave. Before I can say anything Mitch intervenes, tells the bouncer that he threw it and says we were all leaving anyways. I told Mitch he didn't have to do that. He says it's my birthday and I entertained his friends so he didn't want me getting in trouble. Amazing.
2:00 AM - I am kicked out of a bar for the first time in my life.
Unknown - I am suddenly throwing up in the middle seat of a cab. Driver flips out and kicks us all out into the street... in the pouring rain. I think we're around the Imperial Tobacco buildings.
Unknown - I am awakened in a cab by my house. I tell friends that I'm fine and try to walk out on my own. Stepping out the car door and falling face first onto the trunk of the cab proves otherwise. I am brought into the stairs of my house and assure my friends I'm okay there.
Unknown - I am shivering and peel off my soaking wet clothes to go to bed.
10:00 AM - Lying in bed. Pain. Lots of pain. Jen is there and fills me in on a few gaps. Notably the fact that I apparently only got into bed around 4:30 AM yet I was dropped off at my house around 3:00 AM. Nice.
10:10 AM - Jen: "So, did you have a good time last night?"
Jesse: "Yup."
POST SCRIPT - As I have become aware of, Mitch is apparently the Umpire in chief of NDG Baseball. I don't know if he recognized Jason, Brad or myself, but it's more than likely that our paths have crossed and will cross again in the future. It is also a handy explanation of why I threw the umbrella, since Brad and Jason were yelling to Mitch about baseball when I chucked it... however, I prefer to think I had better reasons than that.
6:54 PM - Stop by the bank to take out some money, just in case my cheapskate friends don't pay for me. Man, my friends suck.
6:56 PM - Holy shit... I have significantly more money than I remembered having. Mr Account Balance got me an early present. Either that or Revenue Qubec is processing taxes at an astonishing rate. I suspect the latter.
7:00 PM - Get to Sharx Pool Hall right in time for Game 1 of the Montreal Canadiens vs Carolina Hurricanes. Sister Sheree and Brother Bobby are the only ones there so far. No worries. I'm sure everyone's just warming up and getting ready to leave. Stretching... jogging on the spot... that kinda stuff.
7:11 PM - Matt Cullen scores for the Hurricanes. Less than a minute into the game. Wonderful.
7:20 PM - Bobby: "You just know that some really marginal acquaintance is going to show up first while it's just Sheree and I here. It's gonna be so awkward. I can't wait."
7:30 PM - Like always, Bobby is wrong. Jen and Nancy show up first. We switch tables to somewhere right beside a TV.
8:00 PM - My dad shows up to play a few quick games, says he's gonna teach us what real pool is like. Gives me $50 and says I can keep it if I beat him. And you people wonder why my brother and I are obsessively competitive.
8:01 PM - So my dad's pretty good.
8:03 PM - Alright. I'll get him in the rematch.
(Just to fill you in... according to family lore, my dad was quite the pool hustler in his youth. My grandfather used to hang out at the bar my dad played at because he'd never have to pay for a beer, he'd simply bet on him or my dad would pay the tab with his winnings. He's got a few trophies lying around the house too. I don't remember him being that good when I was a kid, but he obviously went easy on me... and neglected to teach me how to be half as good as him.)
8:10 PM - Tara and Janice show up. So we've got my father, brother, sister, girlfriend, girlfriend's sister... then friend and someone I've never met from Pittsburgh. And here's where I have to make sure they don't think they're walking in on a family reunion. In the background my brother sinks maybe 3 balls in the game against dad. I've got one more match before he has to go.
8:15 PM - After once again clearing off the table, Dad scratches on the eight ball on the easiest shot he had. I seriously question the legitimacy of that shot. My dad walks up to me as I try to hand back the $50 because he took a dive. Without breaking stride he shakes my hand, says "Happy birthday, kid." with a huge smile on his face and walks to the exit. This infuriates me for an instant, before I am quickly cheered up by the fact I'm $50 richer.
8:20 PM - Shane shows up by sneaking up behind me with some girl who I can only assume is a present for my birthday.
8:21 PM - Nope. Apparently they are quite cozy together and are off to go bowling.
8:30 PM - Game update: Habs are winning at this point by at least a couple of goals. Good times, everyone's happy and the TV we're watching is on RDS. Everyone else in the bar is on CBC. Our feed is about 5 seconds faster than theirs, thus we get to cheer for goals first. Suckers.
8:35 PM - Gainer and Tasha walk in. Things are starting to pick up. More food and drinks are ordered and we have a merry time watching the game and playing pool for the next hour and a half. During this time Bobby and Sheree leave, meaning I no longer have to be a role model. In the industry, we call this foreshadowing.
10:00 PM - Habs won, Sharx is done, off to a good pub, Hurley's. Shane and his girl leave us, off to do whatever it is they do.
10:10 PM - We get to Hurley's and grab a room to the left of the bar with plenty of seats and open tables. Only a group of four men are smoking cigars in the corner, but they seem friendly.
10:15 PM - Conversation flowing well... everyone getting along... getting some calls from people saying they'll show up soon. Everything is falling into place.
10:30 PM - The first shots are starting to come in. I specifically request vodka for the evening and Nancy obliges with a shot and a pint of Harp. There's not many good things to say about Nancy, but she does know her alcohol.
10:45 PM - Brad, Duke and Jason show up while Gainer leaves. Decent trade, although our crew is now sorely lacking narcolepsy.
10:50 PM - Matt arrives, followed quickly by Mazzy. Getting a little heavy on the guys right now.
10:53 PM - Tasha leaves and Marc shows up, not necessarily in that order. On one hand, the ratio is getting worse... on the other, Marc buys me a shot. Wait... I'm not sure if either of those are good things.
10:54 PM - Whiskey? Fuck you, Marc. I want vodka.
11:00 PM - Sandy and Amanda arrive to give the group a sorely needed kick of estrogen. They grab the seats right in the middle of everyone and cautiously glance around the room, not sure what they have gotten themselves into.
11:15 PM - A very heated debate breaks out about who would win in an Iron Chef competition between Marc (an actual chef) and I. For the moment, I'll admit that I'm a long shot and that Marc is the Iron Chef, but I think I can pull off an upset. Jen shotguns Chairman, while Marc and I decide on Duke, Tara and Brad as judges. Mazzy even volunteers to tape the proceedings. The theme ingredient is momentarily decided as ketchup but that is later rescinded. Once the logistics are seriously considered, it becomes clear that the chances of this happening are slim. (Although, Jen seems determined to set this up.) [Editor's note: The Iron Chef competition actually happened a while later and I had to forfeit due to illness the day of. Do not bring this up while in my presence.]
11:20 PM - Jon, Ferguson, Obie and Rakish enter the fray. Ferguson immediately orders shots. Whiskey again. Alright, at least my friends aren't cheapskates.
11:45 PM - Jon's girlfriend Myrle makes her debut along with two friends, one of whom I think was named Lindsay. Maybe the other is Rachel. To be honest, I think I could rattle off at least 20 names before I get either of them right. Sadly, I don't think I said a word to any of them other than "Nice to meet you" and "Thanks for coming" a while later. I guess there's always next year.
12:00 AM - A surprise appearance by my godwife Caro. Sandy apparently knows her because they are both from the West Island and play sports. Good for them.
12:15 AM - Someone: "Who wants to play darts?"
Jesse: "I do! I do!"
Nobody: "That's a great idea! I'm gonna go watch!"
Everyone: [dead silence]
12:20 AM - Playing an odd game of darts with Marc, Nancy and Caro. First one to hit 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 and a Bullseye wins.
12:21 AM - Tanya and Stef join the celebration. Marc and I leave the game to greet them and ask about the Badfish (Sublime tribute band) concert they were coming from. Stef had a few recordings on her cell but the sound quality left much to be desired. I couldn't tell a single song. Or maybe I was getting drunk. Nancy and Caro continue playing...
12:30 AM - Nancy and Caro are still playing and not done the game. Some guy named Mitch is taking shots for Nancy and trying to teach her how to throw. I rejoin the game, hit a bullseye and claim that I'll finish the game in 5 minutes and for everyone to set their watch.
12:36 AM - Game over. I win. I was told it was more than 5 minutes but I'll be damned if it was much more than that.
12:45 AM - Tara and Janice call it a night. In a stroke of pure genius, I slap Tara's ass on the way out. She spins around and inquires about who spanked her. I don't think it could be much clearer that it's the drunk guy grinning like an idiot. Marc points to Duke. Duke points to random man. Random Man: "Yeah. It was me." I keel over laughing and walk away. Word of mouth is that Tara tried to kick random guy in the nuts. Duke offers to buy him a drink but apparently he had a sense of humour about it.
1:00 AM - Jen leaves because she's not feeling well. Boooo-urns. She asks if I'm still doing alright. I reassure her that I'm fine, haven't had too much to drink and I'll see her when I get home. After she walks out I get a nagging suspicion that she didn't believe me... Nah.
1:10 AM - Chugging commences. Or at least, I think it was around here that I started chugging semi-competitively.
1:30 AM - Matt pulls my chair out from under me. I hit my head on the floor. Jerk.
1:30-1:45 AM - I miss several chairs which were not pulled out from under me and drink whatever I get my hands on. At least that's what I am told. The end is near.
1:50 AM - I start challenging anyone in the room to chug with me, eventually heading over to the guys in the corner, including Mitch, the dude who was playing darts. He says he'll chug with me but our beers are uneven. I try to even them out to no avail when he asks if I really want to do this because he was in the army or something. I yell out something along the lines of "Hey everyone! Mr. Kosovo thinks he can drink more than me!" before questioning his military authenticity by telling him he can't do pushups. He starts doing pushups. I either hit him with a chair, sat on him, or both. Instead of kicking my ass, he seems amused.
1:52 AM - In all confusion following the pushups, I decide it'd be fun to throw a closed umbrella clear across the room at Jason. Maybe 10 or 20 feet tops. It hits the table and wipes out everything on it. Strike... and strike.
1:55 AM - The bouncer comes in and demands to know who threw the umbrella and tells us all to leave. Before I can say anything Mitch intervenes, tells the bouncer that he threw it and says we were all leaving anyways. I told Mitch he didn't have to do that. He says it's my birthday and I entertained his friends so he didn't want me getting in trouble. Amazing.
2:00 AM - I am kicked out of a bar for the first time in my life.
Unknown - I am suddenly throwing up in the middle seat of a cab. Driver flips out and kicks us all out into the street... in the pouring rain. I think we're around the Imperial Tobacco buildings.
Unknown - I am awakened in a cab by my house. I tell friends that I'm fine and try to walk out on my own. Stepping out the car door and falling face first onto the trunk of the cab proves otherwise. I am brought into the stairs of my house and assure my friends I'm okay there.
Unknown - I am shivering and peel off my soaking wet clothes to go to bed.
10:00 AM - Lying in bed. Pain. Lots of pain. Jen is there and fills me in on a few gaps. Notably the fact that I apparently only got into bed around 4:30 AM yet I was dropped off at my house around 3:00 AM. Nice.
10:10 AM - Jen: "So, did you have a good time last night?"
Jesse: "Yup."
POST SCRIPT - As I have become aware of, Mitch is apparently the Umpire in chief of NDG Baseball. I don't know if he recognized Jason, Brad or myself, but it's more than likely that our paths have crossed and will cross again in the future. It is also a handy explanation of why I threw the umbrella, since Brad and Jason were yelling to Mitch about baseball when I chucked it... however, I prefer to think I had better reasons than that.
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